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******REALLY LONG***** RANT ALERT!
So you've all heard me rant about my ex before... so if you're already sick of hearing it close this thread now :P
So after Oliver was born I wiped the slate clean. Forgot all of the abuse, violence, manipulation! put it all behind me and sent him a couple of texts explaining how things went at the birth the weight and basically how gorgeous Oliver is! And he was nice enough about it said welldone asked to see him etc. I said when I was feeling better I would let him know. So the next day (still in hospital and far from well enough for visitors!) I sent him a text at around 9am telling him he was welcome to come for visiting hours at 3 that afternoon. Now you'de think any new dad would jump at the chance... well no. he read the text and went back to sleep, replied at 4 that afternoon explaining that he had to go to work and he had just got up. Also adding that I shouldn't speak to his family and should go through him with any contact at all. (I invited his sister)
I then went to stay with my mum and dad that evening with plans to stay as long as it took for me to get into routine and feel better. My ex is not welcome in my mums house (what mum would welcome a guy into their home that manipulated her daughter to the extent he did with me?) So I explained this and said as soon as I was well enough to leave the house I would make an arrangement to meet him. Now I wont meet him in his house (his mums) as they smoke there and I gave up smoking for Oliver I do not plan on undoing that hard work by putting him in a smokey atmosphere!
I did say when I was pregnant that this would be the case and that if they stopped smoking in the house I would reconsider to which he replied "I wont be stopping smoking in the house you can **** right off." He didn't like this. He kept ignoring every offer of meeting Oliver and in the end I put Oliver in his pram and went round to his house. Knocked on the door (3pm) and he was still in bed. He came downstairs and I asked him to come out and see his son. which he did... after reading all his text messages, giving me some evil looks and telling me just how close he is to all my friends these days.
Once he did see Oliver he started to pick out all these "imperfections" now I can't see them But he was saying he had a big nose, ugly milk spots etc. Said he was going to turn out a right wuss cause "mummy's over protective" (he's never seen my parenting skills for more than 5 mins at this point.) Again after this he ignored all offers to see Oliver then one day I got a text saying I was being unreasonable and they were taking me to court and that he wanted joint custody 3 n half days blah blah blah. I said that's fine we'll go to court cause I want some sort of money support from you to which he replied "you have a nerve" YES I have a nerve for asking for support for his son. LOL.
I said well I still want you to see him cause I don't want to look like I'm stopping you so we can meet up on my terms till we've been to court.
So last Thursday we met up in wetherspoons in the town centre and had some lunch there was me, my best friend, Oliver and him. He was half an hour late and left half an hour early to play World of Warcraft at a friends house. He went on about going to paris for Valentines day (but he cant afford anything for his son!) he told me again how close he is to my friends (a sort of technique of his for manipulation) and said I'm out of order for not letting him have Oliver on his own. (I'm breast feeding and he cant be trusted but that's another story) I said let's take it one step at a time I'm not comfortable with that yet and I'm feeding him myself. He then said "he can have formula with me" ***FUMING WITH THAT COMMENT*** started going on about this new research into breast feeding and how it's bad for babies... (It doesn't say that. he's just thick.) I then said well what do you want to acchieve from courts? "I want weekends and more." so what happens every friday when he goes out partying? oh yeh his MUM has Oliver cause "his life doesn't stop" So are you following...? He wants weekends with Oliver so he can go out and Oliver doesn't even get to see him?! Over my dead body. I walked away at this point.
Anyway as if that wasn't enough I asked him that night if he wanted to introduce his family to Oliver somewhere like wetherspoons/a house where no1 smokes. and he said "I could do with you not hovering around while I do" when I said this wouldn't be possible he said "I wash my hands of you and Oliver welldone for ruining a father son relationship" which was closely followed by "Have fun leading you're ridiculous half life you Sl** you've got yourself into this mess and you have to live with it fortunately I don't go find his real dad. you wont get a penny from me"
He then went on to that weekend threatening my friends on a night out.
Today... I got a text
"how's my lil Oliver doing?"
HIS little Oliver?! grrrr....
CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!
Anyway Rant over. Real congratulations if you made it to the end your a trooper!
So after Oliver was born I wiped the slate clean. Forgot all of the abuse, violence, manipulation! put it all behind me and sent him a couple of texts explaining how things went at the birth the weight and basically how gorgeous Oliver is! And he was nice enough about it said welldone asked to see him etc. I said when I was feeling better I would let him know. So the next day (still in hospital and far from well enough for visitors!) I sent him a text at around 9am telling him he was welcome to come for visiting hours at 3 that afternoon. Now you'de think any new dad would jump at the chance... well no. he read the text and went back to sleep, replied at 4 that afternoon explaining that he had to go to work and he had just got up. Also adding that I shouldn't speak to his family and should go through him with any contact at all. (I invited his sister)
I then went to stay with my mum and dad that evening with plans to stay as long as it took for me to get into routine and feel better. My ex is not welcome in my mums house (what mum would welcome a guy into their home that manipulated her daughter to the extent he did with me?) So I explained this and said as soon as I was well enough to leave the house I would make an arrangement to meet him. Now I wont meet him in his house (his mums) as they smoke there and I gave up smoking for Oliver I do not plan on undoing that hard work by putting him in a smokey atmosphere!
I did say when I was pregnant that this would be the case and that if they stopped smoking in the house I would reconsider to which he replied "I wont be stopping smoking in the house you can **** right off." He didn't like this. He kept ignoring every offer of meeting Oliver and in the end I put Oliver in his pram and went round to his house. Knocked on the door (3pm) and he was still in bed. He came downstairs and I asked him to come out and see his son. which he did... after reading all his text messages, giving me some evil looks and telling me just how close he is to all my friends these days. Once he did see Oliver he started to pick out all these "imperfections" now I can't see them
But he was saying he had a big nose, ugly milk spots etc. Said he was going to turn out a right wuss cause "mummy's over protective" (he's never seen my parenting skills for more than 5 mins at this point.) Again after this he ignored all offers to see Oliver then one day I got a text saying I was being unreasonable and they were taking me to court and that he wanted joint custody 3 n half days blah blah blah. I said that's fine we'll go to court cause I want some sort of money support from you to which he replied "you have a nerve" YES I have a nerve for asking for support for his son. LOL. I said well I still want you to see him cause I don't want to look like I'm stopping you so we can meet up on my terms till we've been to court.
So last Thursday we met up in wetherspoons in the town centre and had some lunch there was me, my best friend, Oliver and him. He was half an hour late and left half an hour early to play World of Warcraft at a friends house. He went on about going to paris for Valentines day (but he cant afford anything for his son!) he told me again how close he is to my friends (a sort of technique of his for manipulation) and said I'm out of order for not letting him have Oliver on his own. (I'm breast feeding and he cant be trusted but that's another story) I said let's take it one step at a time I'm not comfortable with that yet and I'm feeding him myself. He then said "he can have formula with me" ***FUMING WITH THAT COMMENT*** started going on about this new research into breast feeding and how it's bad for babies... (It doesn't say that. he's just thick.) I then said well what do you want to acchieve from courts? "I want weekends and more." so what happens every friday when he goes out partying? oh yeh his MUM has Oliver cause "his life doesn't stop" So are you following...? He wants weekends with Oliver so he can go out and Oliver doesn't even get to see him?! Over my dead body. I walked away at this point.
Anyway as if that wasn't enough I asked him that night if he wanted to introduce his family to Oliver somewhere like wetherspoons/a house where no1 smokes. and he said "I could do with you not hovering around while I do" when I said this wouldn't be possible he said "I wash my hands of you and Oliver welldone for ruining a father son relationship" which was closely followed by "Have fun leading you're ridiculous half life you Sl** you've got yourself into this mess and you have to live with it fortunately I don't go find his real dad. you wont get a penny from me"
He then went on to that weekend threatening my friends on a night out.
Today... I got a text
"how's my lil Oliver doing?"
HIS little Oliver?! grrrr....
CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!
Anyway Rant over. Real congratulations if you made it to the end your a trooper!
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Replies
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE UTTER S**T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd obviously joined the forums a little late in the day as I didn't know you'd been unlucky enough to have been trapped by one of life's idiots. Jeez this guy has no clue eh??
How dare he say all those things to you and to deny Oliver...I would never leave Oliver alone with him or his family either!
If I were you, I would log everything that's happened since Oliver was born - every text from you, to you, conversations, your efforts, his responses etc and keep them for when you need to find a solicitor if he ever does make moves for joint custody, which seems unlikely, unless he really is that vindictive as to do it just to spite you (not unheard of!).....
I don't know your full history, but I have worked in child protection for the past 8 years and worked with a domestic violence organisation a couple of years ago as a child worker, so I could be of some help to you perhaps? I don't know if you got help from anywhere when he was violent and manipulative to you within your relationship, but it may be time to get some advice? These agencies are really helpful, totally confidential, and will support you through any solicitor, court or access issues.
For now, I would just stay away from him - maybe send him a letter which outlines why you are staying away from him and suggest that if he would like to see Oliver then he contact a solicitor and ask that way...and you can then stipulate only supervised contact. I know you want to be seen as doing all you can to foster the father / son relationship, but that's his problem, not yours....you've done your bit by giving him several opportunities to see Oliver, and even going to his house, but he's not interested so don't put yourself or Oliver through the heartache. In my opinion, I would question how much involvement you would want this guy to have with Oliver, considering the things he's likely to learn, see and hear from his father.
If you want to contact me, if you think I could help at all, find me on Facebook under Chris Waldron (pic is of me in orange jacket and climbing tackle on)...
Stay strong, stay away from him, and enjoy Oliver xx
Big hugs to you xx
i thing you are doing everything i would and are undeinably the better person in all this and little oliver is so lucky to have such a strong independant mum like you seem to be!
like earwig said it would prob be a good idea t onote down all correspsondence since the birth and from now on as it will prove to you if anyone how much of an effort you've made on your little man's behalf!
I'm fuming for you!! xx
You have had a lucky escape. He doesn't deserve your son xxx
If i am being honest, if he wants to take you to court let him. He will not have a leg to stand on, just make sure you keep record of every text, phone call etc that you have sent him to organise meeting with Oliver etc. They will not be able to swing in his favour, not with everything you have said. Also as you are breast feeding they will agree that it will need to be the both of you with Oliver etc. I know its a horrid thing to think going to court but it may work out better for you, he will end up having to pay more to you for Oliver etc. I know its really horrid because your son is a person and not a money object etc but i really cannot see that you are going to get any positive outcome without doing this.
Obviously it is entirely your choice and at the end of the day you are the Mummy and you know best. Please do not let him affect the way you think about your parenting skills or affect your way of thinking. You are clearly doing a wonderful job and clearly a fantastic Mummy to little Oliver who will always love you no matter what!
I know a lot of what i have said is repeating what Chris said but i feel she has given amazing advice. As she said you have done everything you can to try and get the father/son relationship, and Oliver will never hold that against you. Again i would second what she said and say to stay well away from him and carry on being the fantastic Mummy you already are.
Good Luck hun.
xxx
You and little Oliver deserve so much better than him.
I don't really have any advice for you hub ad chris has said what I would have said.
You are an amazing mummy to YOUR little Oliver so do not think any different.
Take care hun
Xxx