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Have I done the right thing?

Hi ladies,
As you know I was in court last month regarding Ellie's Dad getting visitation to her.
It was agreed that we would have 2 hours a week in a shopping centre & this has been going grand. He also came here last Thursday for a few hours & spent some time with Ellie here which was good.

It is back in court this thursday & according to his solicitor (mine is out today so can't clarify!) the order that we agreed to was only until saturday past which I wasn't aware of because I wanted that to be for the forseeable future. So basically it's back in court this thursday to make new arrangements & I said to him well would we not be better off agreeing between ourselves something then putting it to the courts?

He said yes so we have agreed a wednesday afternoon he will come here & a sunday afternoon Ellie & I will go to his house. There will be no one in the houses except on occasion my younger brother when he gets in from school.

Just want your opinions as to whether or not i've done the right thing? I never wanted the shopping centre thing I always wanted him to come here so I am pleased we won't need to go there any more because it was very impersonal & Ellie wasn't benefiting from being stuck in her pram & carried about whereas in the house he can play with her.

My concern is that now I have agreed to going to his house is he going to say well Ellie's now farmiliar with my house so I can take her on my own without Lauren?

I don't know what to do I feel as though by going to his house at least Ellie will get to know the place with me there which will be a good thing but then is it all moving a bit fast too? xx


  • i think you have to be comfortable with what you have decided. you can always look at changing the arrangement in the future but for now at least Ellie will get to spend some quality time with both of you
  • I think it is the right thing & I am pretty comfortable with it it's just he is so mainipulative i'm worried i'm setting myself up for a fall.
    Trying to think positively about it all as to be honest it will be great when he can take her for a couple of hours to give me a break!
  • hiya

    not been on for a while...will try to reply to posts but picked this one as know you need support. I read your other post and have to say that if I had a pound for every foolish thing that i did while pissed...well i would be a very rich lady!!!!!
    From that post it sounds like he is a nice man but you have said before he is not. Is there no future for you both at all??? is that a no go as it sounds like he cares for you a lot??? Once Ellie is used to him a little would it not be a break for you to let her go to his say a Sat morning or every sat every other week. i know she is your world but we all need a break sometime? If it is going well wont you all benefit from him spending time with her. Gives you chance to do stuff??? I am saying this from the fence as I dont know you both and dont know whats gone on etc... so I am sorry if you think I taking his side. I totally am with you as I know what a terrrific mum you are to Ellie and how you have come up against some tough times but always pull through. I just thought you other post painted a picture of someone who cares a lot for you both and just wants to spend time with you???

    Good Luck with the hearing..

    d xxxxxxxxx
  • Thank you for the replies, as always it is great knowing I can get honest opinions!

    Well I don't feel that he cares very much, to be honest I think it was more to paint himself in a better light but my solicitor said 'and what' when I told her he'd given us a lift home- she said there is no relevance whatsoever to Ellie so it didn't matter...

    Anyway my solicitor is going to court tomorrow to push for the new agreement to stay in place for at least 12 weeks because the next thing he'll be asking for is unsupervised which could lead to joint custody before she is even 2 which would kill me.
    He hasn't been in her life for 7 months & is so expectant that he should get whatever he wants, it was only when my solicitor explained to me today that the last 3 weeks were basically a test set up by the courts to see if contact failed I felt sick. She said 97% of first contacts fail & those that are successfull don't proceed so quickly onto the next stage.
    If she'd of informed me then I would never have agreed to an extra day in his house but I have & can't go back on it now.

    Getting a break would be great and I know this may sound daft but I need it to be on my terms not on the terms of a judge/solicitor who hasn't a clue about my daughter & her needs.

    His solicitor also took it upon themselves to send a letter to my HV saying he had tried on several occassions to contact her with no response- I had told him that she was off ill all the week following the court & when I saw her last week she said as soon as she had the opportunity she would speak to him. When she received the letter she phoned him but in the end he said to her he didn't even need to speak to her any more it was his solicitor had told him to do so & that I had informed him about the issues with her seperation & feeding etc.....Just pissed off that he got my HV involved in something that is nothing to do with her & now she may be called to court in the future.

    Anyway i've written a book but I am just so angry though I don't know who at (myself probably!) if i'd been better informed by my solicitor last week then I would never have made that decision yesterday but these things happen I guess....Hope all is well with you & your LO's xxx
  • Sending a giant hug your way Lauren. you have done such an amzing job. i take my hat off to you. i found it hard on my own and it was only for 6 months so i know it must be harder for you and adding the court stress on as well. hopefully you can relax a bit for the next 12 weeks and like you say you will get a bit of a break to
  • Wishin you a lot of luck and giving you big hugs
  • I agree with Chris..hats off to you. You seem such a together person. You remind me of me at your age....
    I know that under the facade though you are going through a tough time.
    I hope my other comments did not upset you. I just got the picture of a nice guy but, thinking back to things you have said before he obviously isnt.

    Dont feel bad about having a night out though and letting your hair down. No court in the world would condem you for that . We all need it. If he uses that against you then he is a tw*t!!!!! go back to court and tell them what YOU think is right for Ellie...she needs stability and she needs to be with the people she loves and knows. I hope you are heard and that you come away feeling relieved and happy with arrangements.

    Good luck and thinking of you

    d xxxx
  • No not at all image
    It turns out according to my solicitor I probably have made a mistake as the agreement I thought was just between him & I is now court ruled & because contact only commenced just over 3 weeks ago it is very quick for it to be moving along to another day & in a different location but it has been done now & nothing I can do to change it.

    Seriously having a hard time & today we went to his house & it was lovely & it pissed me off knowing he has all this & i'm still stuck at home with my Mum, as grateful as I am to have somewhere to live I feel in limbo...I can't go to work as no childcare & doubtful Ellie would last too long in childcare plus putting her in somewhere would defeat my argument to courts of her not wanting to be away from me. Not working means little money which means not being able to do the things I want such as learning how to drive & move out!!!

    Oh I am a big moan & there's people out there a hell of a lot worse off than I am but I just feel like I let things get on top of me & also because my best friend & I seem to be arguing at each other like an old married couple lately it hasn't been easy either because she doesn't agree with anything I do which is difficult as I feel then that I can't talk to her about anything image

    Really hoping that the new year is a new start & that things start turning round for the better for Ellie & I !!
    Thanks all of you for being there xxxx
  • Hey Lauren. I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. It must be awul having all of this hanging over you. I don't fully understand the scenario with the contact thing but I really hope you get the right results out of all of this. I hope 2009 bring a fresh start for you too x
  • Hi Lauren,

    Have no real knowledge on the subject but just wanted to wish you well & say i'm thinking of you & Ellie xx
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