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in laws
I just posted this on a agony aunt page lol!! but wouold really appreciate you lovely ladies to give your opinon on situation below. I have literally cut and paste it from the other website, thats why there's no names etc
My in laws are very different from me. They are really nice people and there hearts are in the right place. But they have very different morals to me and sometimes I can cringe at their behaviour around my daughter. It's a normal part of life for them to swear and smoke around their children. I don't even think they realise there doing it. They are not bad people at all and it makes it hard to address these issues. I have finally after a long time trying, managed to stop them smoking in the same room as her.I cannot express enough how much these people are not bad, mil is extremely thoughtful and always buying me things when they remind her of me, she is brilliant with the children and my daughter goes there once a week when i'm working and, loves being there.
I am pregnant. When I was pregnant last time i remember these issues really getting to me and I started irriationally not liking my in laws despite there amazing support. But there views on life in general can be very small minded and again it makes me cringe to think my children might start sharing there narrow minded views on race issues, etc. Anyways... I need advice on how to overcome my major anxiety when my little girl is there, I just get anxous about what they are saying around her, I'm not going to change these people and i'm never going to stop her seeing her grandparents she loves them and loves being there but how do I become to be ok with this. Today has been made worse because I work nights, on a thursday i sleep until 2 and collect my daughter, but yesterday my sil rang and said she would like to pick my daughter up bring her back to hers to play with her cousins. One becuase my little one will love it and so will hers and 2 because i have a stinking cold and i'm pregnant so it would be nice to give me a break as i have to work tonight as well.
Thing is I cannot sleep knowing my daughhter is going over there, sil shouts at her kids alot and swears sometimes and I'm not a shouty parent at all (don't get me wrong i disapline but rarely feel the need to shout) but she shouts at them just to get there shoes on!! I'm anxious about her being there i cannot sleep, other half is picking her up at 1700 to give me enough sleep, but all i wanna do is get her, but i also want them to think i'm ok with this cos at the end of the day its what the kids want and its just a one off fun afteroon (hopefully
).
There is also this resentment (not sure if thats the right word) towards my sil as i left for work last night at 1930 and not gonna see her until 1800 and then back to work at 1930, so I miss her too. When i'm pregnant i am totally over sensitive and think i make things out worse than they are, also one thing makes me feel really guilty is if it were my family offering to have little one all day to give me rest I would be so grateful and probably still be asleep right now.
I need to know how to be ok with my daughter spending time around there, i'm never gonna change who they are and i wouldn't wnat to but i just wish i felt less anxious when she's with in laws, how do I accept them and feel less anxious ????
I hope that makes sense !!
Please dont judge me on the smoking thing i know i should have put a stop to that a long time ago esp with Erins asthma, no one can feel more guilty than me about that
Mez x x
My in laws are very different from me. They are really nice people and there hearts are in the right place. But they have very different morals to me and sometimes I can cringe at their behaviour around my daughter. It's a normal part of life for them to swear and smoke around their children. I don't even think they realise there doing it. They are not bad people at all and it makes it hard to address these issues. I have finally after a long time trying, managed to stop them smoking in the same room as her.I cannot express enough how much these people are not bad, mil is extremely thoughtful and always buying me things when they remind her of me, she is brilliant with the children and my daughter goes there once a week when i'm working and, loves being there.
I am pregnant. When I was pregnant last time i remember these issues really getting to me and I started irriationally not liking my in laws despite there amazing support. But there views on life in general can be very small minded and again it makes me cringe to think my children might start sharing there narrow minded views on race issues, etc. Anyways... I need advice on how to overcome my major anxiety when my little girl is there, I just get anxous about what they are saying around her, I'm not going to change these people and i'm never going to stop her seeing her grandparents she loves them and loves being there but how do I become to be ok with this. Today has been made worse because I work nights, on a thursday i sleep until 2 and collect my daughter, but yesterday my sil rang and said she would like to pick my daughter up bring her back to hers to play with her cousins. One becuase my little one will love it and so will hers and 2 because i have a stinking cold and i'm pregnant so it would be nice to give me a break as i have to work tonight as well.
Thing is I cannot sleep knowing my daughhter is going over there, sil shouts at her kids alot and swears sometimes and I'm not a shouty parent at all (don't get me wrong i disapline but rarely feel the need to shout) but she shouts at them just to get there shoes on!! I'm anxious about her being there i cannot sleep, other half is picking her up at 1700 to give me enough sleep, but all i wanna do is get her, but i also want them to think i'm ok with this cos at the end of the day its what the kids want and its just a one off fun afteroon (hopefully
).There is also this resentment (not sure if thats the right word) towards my sil as i left for work last night at 1930 and not gonna see her until 1800 and then back to work at 1930, so I miss her too. When i'm pregnant i am totally over sensitive and think i make things out worse than they are, also one thing makes me feel really guilty is if it were my family offering to have little one all day to give me rest I would be so grateful and probably still be asleep right now.
I need to know how to be ok with my daughter spending time around there, i'm never gonna change who they are and i wouldn't wnat to but i just wish i felt less anxious when she's with in laws, how do I accept them and feel less anxious ????
I hope that makes sense !!
Please dont judge me on the smoking thing i know i should have put a stop to that a long time ago esp with Erins asthma, no one can feel more guilty than me about that
Mez x x
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Replies
Sorry to hear they're driving you up the wall. I think you've def made the right decision by asking them not to smoke around Erin. My Mum smokes but she always goes outside.
The swearing thing must be really annoying too as I don't like lots of swearing and they're really pickng things up now. I'm always nagging DH not to swear in front of Samuel and he is getting much better now. The annoying thing is, we were stuck in a really bad traffic jam the other day and I said "oh fuck's sake" to DH in the front of the car and Samuel responded in the back saying "Mummy fucks sake!". I was absolutely mortified. Although we couldn't help but giggle a bit at how wrong it sounded. It's sod's law too as I really don't swear much at all - honest!
Perhaps you could have a word about the swearing? I say "sugar" if I'm annoyed in front of Samuel (usually) and he sometimes copies me which I think is fine.
Re. the arguing in SIL's house, try not to worry too much. My best mate was raised in a very shouty house. Her Mum was really strict and used to bark at them if they left the table without asking if they could. My view on it is that it's your own home and family that shapes who you are and not other people's. I don't think you can really change your SIL's shouting as that is her personality. The swearing is different though as I think it's awful when people swear in front of children too (bar my one off outburst!).
Pregnancy does make it all seem more intensified too. I'm kind of ok at the mo (23 weeks) but I've def had my moments on certain things! Feeling a bit rough again which sucks but my emotions seem stable at the mo. Hubby may beg to differ though - ha ha!
Take care,
They sound a lovely family but, as you say,differnt to you. Jo is totally spot on saying that the family who you live with are the ones that shape you. Think about all the outside factors that Erin will come across...school, friends, tv etc etc It will be your family values that make her the girl she will grow up to be. You sound like you have great values so therefore she will be a wondeful child/woman.
My friend swears like a trooper. She is Irish and its like second nature. However, her kids are the most well behaved kids I have ever met. They know mummy says naughty words and that they must never repeat them... strange! maybe explain to Erin that sometimes she will hear her grandparents say naughty words and that she must not say them?
I am very anxious if my kids are away from me. Maybe next time SIL asks just say you have not seen Erin all day so could you come over too or would SIL like to come to yours with her kids for a bit?
Hope you get a compromise that makes you and IL's happy.
My In laws are sort of the same. They are the opposite end of the scale tho. They won't allow elbows or slouching at the table, ask before you leave the table, manners, manners, manners. Dont get me wrong I am all for manners but time and a place. grrrrrrrrrrrr
d xxx
Secondly i know what you mean about pregnancy hormones. My Mum would curse and not even realise she has said it.lol Its just the way she is but i am constantly fighting with her not to say it, she has said the fcuk word in front of Luke a few times. When he repeats it i ask him what he wants a fork for as i think he is still too young to understand the difference in bad words. I oo say it whilst driving or in very bad mood but we are all trying to get better at not using it. But when you are pregnant hormones really do get the better of you as i fought with my mum alot over the last few months about her language but i know that is who she is and loves Luke to peaces.
Hope this rambling helps.
Gemxx