Getting all worked up.

mehubandbub · Mar 28, 2011 7:21AM

I can't do it. I have tokophobia (fear of pregnancy) and I have for as long as I remember - pregnant women freak me out - I just don't like it. I never went near pregnant women before - even my two sisters. Didn't like it and couldn't go near them.

finally after being married a couple of years, working with children and having two gorgeous nephews and a niece. The wanting of a baby overtook the fear enough for me to actually get pregnant.

But I have not been able to look at anything to do with giving birth (and have not let anybody touch my tummy - a couple of people have tried to come near but I have backed off and got really cross and it bothered me for ages after even though they didn't actually touch my tummy)

- I tried to have a look at my pregnancy book - but it scared me so much I have a full on panic attack and after crying none stop for two hours my husband found me, and told me off for looking at it as he knows my feelings. I turned to one born every minute by accident - channel flicking. - and I had another full on panic attack - I didn't actually see anything - there was just a lady with her husband in a hospital room. I didn't book the NCT classes and have booked my leavers do from work on the same day as the NHS classes as I couldn't face it and I have just made myself an excuse not to go.

After reading the post of breastfeeding I thought I would have a look at the breastfeeding video - just watched a little bit of it and had another panic attack.

I have tried to write this post a few times but have gone into panic again. Now I know I have to do something about it.

I love my baby already but I can't stop my panic.

I would of talked to my midwife about it but I have never had the same midwife, I have seen 7 of them so far.

I would feel happier if I could have a c-section and when I got pregnant I thought this was possible but now I realise I can't ask for one.

Anyway after trying to be positive- I have been trying really hard to think of all the positives and think if I do all the right things I will have an easy labour and I will be okay, I have been brought back to panic again after the video.

Don't know if anyone will have anything to help - but it's worth a try. Please help if you can.

Thanks

Jo

MunchesMum · Mar 26, 2011 5:03PM

Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry to read this. I can't possibly imagine how you must feel but just want to say please don't get upset. Is it the concept of labour and birth that is at the root of your feelings do you think? I know we probably can't do a lot to help in a practical sense but if you can help us understand a bit more about where your panic comes from, we may be able to help talk through some things to make you feel more reassured. Big hugs xx

sabbath_cat_and_kitten · Mar 26, 2011 7:14PM

Oh Jo I know how difficult a phobia is

. DON'T go to the NCT classes as tbh with enough research/books you can find out what u need to know and discussing these things in a large group is hard, I've had such a tough time with needles being mentioned every 5 seconds! I come back home in a wreck but I'm at the stage where I need to address my phobia.

Start little, for me it was all about neccesity, I HAD to have injections, so hubby HAD to be there. I told him I wanted to look at him and get him to talk about it but in a casual relaxed way like nothing unusual was happening. It took me around 20mins/1hr to calm down to have tests but it was a start!

Perhaps get your hubby to sit with you and watch a video like breastfeeding together? He can pause and start the video (I can't make my own appointments so my hub has to for me, it helps if there's someone else makes the first step) and if you need to look away you can. Take it slow, and get him to talk you through it.

Don't try anything on your own yet, phobia's are by nature irrational (as in you blow things out of proportion, if any woman isn't a little scared about childbirth then they are a little naive or lying imho!!) so if you have someone rational with you it may help.

Have you told any of this to your GP? They REALLY should get you some kind of counselling, they did for me but I never lived anywhere long enough to follow through and hubby seemed to help more. So much so when I had my flu jab it only took 10 mins!! Good luck hun and keep thinking of the bundle of joy at the end x

mehubandbub · Mar 27, 2011 5:54AM

Thanks girls - I feel stupid about it, and keep trying to tell myself there is nothing wrong, but then I feel all worked up inside and as much as I tell myself to stop it I can't. - So thanks for not calling me stupid and telling me I'm daft. - I think that is why I don't tell people.

Munches mum - it is labour and birth, that really frightens me and I cannot think of it being positive at all. I have 3 outcomes that I keep imagining- no not good ones- I keep dreaming then and imagining them.

Sabbath cat - I thought the anti-natal classes wouldn't be the best place for me to go - but then I was worried I will be missing something that is going to help my baby and I was being really selfish.

I think I will try that with hubby, we were talking about it last night which did help, and I did get rid of the big spider in the bathroom for him (his phobia)

I think I would rather do it with the help of hubby then anybody else. I haven't even seen my GP yet as I only registered with the new doctor a few months ago.

Thanks megs - I have thought about it, but I just can't imagine it working, and the thought of having to tell someone makes me feel like an idiot.

Thanks will talk about it with hubby again tonight and I am going to keep up with the pineapple and all the other things that are suppost to help. - It may just help me feel better.

Jo x

wonderwoman40 · Mar 27, 2011 6:29AM

Hi Jo, so sorry you are having a hard time hun, I wont profess to know what to say, but you are definately not stupid or daft and a phobia is so real and upsetting for the person living with it. I do think you need to discuss with Dr and midwife and get counselling and they may talk about options for birth for you hun. Please dont feel silly asking for help, that is what they are there for and you dont need to go thru it alone xxx

BabyGirlsMummy · Mar 27, 2011 6:46AM

i am sorry to hear you are in such a state. I really don't think i can do much to help. However, i would look into the hypnobirthing. Don't worry about going to classes but get yourself a book and the CDs. I really think they may help you look at giving birth in a different way.

big hugs

xx

mrsmermaid · Mar 27, 2011 7:43AM

Quote "I would feel happier if I could have a c-section and when I got pregnant I thought this was possible but now I realise I can't ask for one."

Er, yes of course you can ask. What's made you think you can't?

In my opinion many people request c-section because they have a fear of the unknown or for what i would call minor non-medical reasons. C-sections cost the NHS a lot of money and can be more risky for mum especially if having 3 or 4 or more children. Doctors and midwifes try to persuade people to try for vaginal deliveries for these reasons. Also the recovery is longer/harder after a c-section.

However, there are some situations which could be an indication for a c-section and extreme fear of child birth is one.

Now, i would still advocate going to counselling however we are rather close to May now so i would ask your midwife for referral to a consultant clinic to discuss your situation and possibly book you for a section then you can always try counselling and the c-section can be cancelled if you decide against it.

Don't stick your head in the sand until you go into labour. Better to discuss an elective section so you know all the ins and outs than end up panicking and having to argue for an emergency section when the contractions have begun.

Just remember however frightened you feel now, one way or another in a couple of months you'll have your baby in your arms.

Picklesx · Mar 27, 2011 3:12PM

Aw hun, I don't really know what to suggest but just wanted to say I'm really sorry that your struggling with the pregnancy so much.

xxx

Moominmummy · Mar 27, 2011 4:21PM

Hi, i haven't read all the replies properly but I really have to recommend hypnobirthing. I would actually say go for one-on-one rather than a group one since you have such a deep phobia. Don't feel silly about talking about it, it's very common to feel scared about childbirth and if you are that scared of it, then talking about it is really what you need to do. Burying your head in the sand is not going to make it just go away unfortunately, ultimately you will have to deliver your baby one way or another and the sooner you can find a way to do this without the fear you're describing the better. I don't know where in the country you are but if you're in London or the South East I can recommend a fantastic hypnobirthing teacher. I went to a group hypnobirthing course when I was pregnant with my son and although I didn't have any phobia as such I still found it immensely helpful and managed to have a really positive labour - despite it being 29 hours and a 10lb baby, I was really really calm, didn't even need gas & air, very very chilled out etc. Anyway her name is Katherine Graves, here is her website:

http://www.thehypnobirthingcentre.co.uk/

MunchesMum · Mar 27, 2011 4:35PM

Big hugs first of all! You have been so brave confronting your feelings and that is the hardest and most important part of dealing with any problem or worry you have, so don't be hard on yourself, in fact I order you give yourself a big pat on the back!

In all seriousness, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to how you should deal with this. If you are 100% sure you want a C Section I am sure there must be a way that you can get one, whether it is by finding the right midwife who is supportive enough to help you fight for one, or whether it means going private. It is entirely your decision and if it is what you need to do to feel safe and secure then noone should try and tell you otherwise.

However, before you make that decision, please take some time to consider all the positive labour and birth scenarios that could occur for you, and occur for millions of women every day. I was absolutely horrified at the concept of giving birth, I just couldn't imagine that I could do it, I had no belief in myself and was terrified of the pain. I had a pretty tough time of it compared to friends, when delivering DS - my contractions just kind of stopped having an effect at 5cm and they put me on the drip which sped things up and made it pretty intense. BUT, it was no where near anything like as bad or as painful as I had anticipated and worried about for 9 months. With the support of my husband and my midwives, I did it and I am so proud every time I look at my son or see or hear of someone having a baby. I think, "I did that, bloody hell, ME, I did it!" And soon I am going to be doing it all over again, so hey it can't be so bad

What I am trying to say is you and your body are capable of a hell of a lot more than you would ever expect. If you can find the right person to help you deal with your feelings, a supportive midwife or your GP even, I know you would feel a lot better about it all and it will help you explore your options in a more balanced way and with professional advice. It is a huge shame that people only ever seem to talk about difficult or negative labour experiences as I am sure that if more people talked about how well things have gone for them and the positive stories, it would help so many first time mummies who are scared of the unknown.

Lots of love and hugs, keep us posted on how you are getting on xx

Rach46 · Mar 28, 2011 7:21AM

HI hon,

I second the hypnotherapist - i have had hypnotherapy for phobias and it worked fantastically - you should start to feel better after just afew sessions.

I'm not sure about hypnobirthing for you - I've done the complete course and I think your phobia might be too deep seated plus the teachers are not hypnotherapists. Don't get me wrong it's fabulous and might be a good thing for you to do alongside some proper hypnotherapy - but the title hypnobirthing is a bit misleadging - its just learning how to go into a deep relaxation and I think you need more specific help than that tbh.

But if you do decide to do some hypnobirthing do go to a group or 1 to 1, i found it so helpful and there was so much more explained than in the book.

R x

Getting all worked up.

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