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**TTC Rant Thread**
This is a place for us to get off our chest when people criticise our choices and idea's or who come up with inappropriate suggestions.. or just generally are being dorks. but we feel we can't tell them for whatever reason.
The only rule we have is - Do not judge someone on what is posted in this thread.
Share your rants here..
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Hello Ladies,
I hope you don't mind me writting on here as I haven't been around for a while and really don't want to bring your daily thread down... which is what I would be doing! I feel like it may help me to get some things off my chest though. I ended up having a cry at work yesterday, probably hormonal but I think I'm bottling things up a bit.
As some of you know my H's sperm analysis has shown a severely low sperm count, we have to wait until July to have it re tested before he'll refer us to anyone. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo now. I'm in this weird situation of knowing theres a 1% maybe 2% chance of us conceiving naturally, but we have to keep trying because people do win the lottery sometimes. At the same time I also feel cross with myself for having hope, I'm 9dpo and am still finding myself having the thoughts of maybe just maybe I'll get a line this month, I'll get to have that amazing happy feeling. I feel silly for thinking this and wish I could just put it all to the back of my mind now and just get on with normal life and not think of TTC constantly.
I feel like I don't fit in anywhere at the moment, the daily thread isn't the place for me as I lurch from having hope to being cross, and I'm not a DTCer as we haven't been refered.
I am frustrated because I still don't understand what the course of action will be once we've been refered. In our area if you have been diagnosed with absolute infertility you get refered straight for IVF, if you have unexplained infertility you have to try for 3 years before they'll refer you. Our GP kept pointing to the unexplained category saying we fall into that category. How can that be if we have an explanation, does he mean because we still have some sperm we don't have absolute infertility?! I don't understand and this frustrates me daily. I hope my GP is just getting wrong, but I just want to know what they mean by absolute infertility.
I worry about my husband, deep down he is a sensitive soul and I don't want him to feel bad about his at all, I love him with all my heart and just desperatately want his baby so much. I feel bad because he's been seeing me cry at times because I am not pregnant and wish I had never cried because now he feels responsible for that crying. But we're in this together and it's not his fault at all, I love him so much.
We'd be such good parents we really would, some days the world seems unfair and today is one of those days. i know my period is coming again and it makes me sad. Even on days I am happy I am still sad on the inside and still thinking about it. I wish I knew how to stop myself feeling like this and how not to be sad inside.
If you've read this I'm sorry for being such a misery, I know I need to snap out of it. I need to be positive we will get our baby in the end, I know we will because I won't stop trying. I'd just like some answers!
Love to you all
DPx
Dolly P do not apologise this is what we are here for. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope writing it down has helped in some way. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. Love and hugs to you and your H xxx
DollyP you do not need to snap out of it at all..This is all totally reasonable and normal.. Its actually like going threw the greiving process in someways.. I really do hopeyou get your answers and they do decide to send you straight for IVF. You deserve this so much and I know there will be so many happy people for you when it does happen. I think I would be the same clinging on to the % too because it does happen.. Sending you massive hugs xxxx
Dollyp - just to echo everyone else - no need to apologise whatsoever. Huge huge hugs for you and your OH. xxx
Hey lovely, it made very teary to read this. Firstly I'm sending you huge hugs and I just want you to know that you are not on your own, you have a place here, it doesn't matter that there is no MTTC group, you can post anytime! In regards to you being told you fall into the unexplained infertility camp I think you need to argue this because if your H's sperm levels are that low, it doesn;t take a genious to work out why you haven't fallen pregnant yet, so try to focus your efforts on getting a referral, if you need to go private for a repeat sperm analysis. If it were me, I would think about fertility treatment as a means to fall pregnant, if you think like that you may trick your mind and help being distracted somwhat by trying to fall naturally, and if you do fall pregnant then happy days but if it doesn't happen it might help soften the blow.
With regards to your H feeling down, it's a tough time for both of you but as long as you are communicating and not bottling it all up you will be fine.
We are always here for you and I really hope that by writting this all down you do feel a bit better. xx
Don't worry about posting DollyP I think a few of us have felt either as we have known problems are can't quite TTC yet we don't have an exact place to post but do keep posting. I find these boards very supportive even if I have only been on a little while. I agree with Claire I think you have a very strong argument that yours is not unexplained. Is it your GP who refers you? I wonder if they are trying not to raise your hopes by saying it may be a 3 year wait? 1-2% is not a huge chance but it is still a chance so I would keep trying as you do never know.
It's great to hear that you and your H are sticking together and he knows you don't blame him. Your crying is for both of you, you want to be a family it's not blame it's just sad.
Hugs to both of you and do come and chat to us whenever you need or want to.
Please do keep posting DollyP. I know Evo tried to bring the MTTC thread back alive a while back but it didn't appear to take off. It may be worth trying that again? But whatever and whoever, TTC, MTTC or DTC we are all here to support each other. I hope writing it down has helped. *hugs*
Thank you all for your kind words, it made me cry again! I'm going to be dehydrated!
Our GP refers us to a consultant at the hospital, he mentioned a gynaecologist who would then be the one who refers us for IVF, probably at Bourn Hall as we are very close to there. I'm not sure how many tests the consultant will do, but I guess he's the one who decides if we get to go straight for IVF or have to wait.
I'll keep coming to MD, even if I don't post daily I'm probably lurking! I really do appreciate all of your support, it's not something I talk to people about IRL very much. My best friend knows but I worry about sounding like a miserable broken record!!
Why do we get every symptom under the sun in the TWW? I am feeling really sick and it's driving me potty
Dolly, I can only add to what the girls have said in that you are always welcome to post away here. We're always here for you. It sounds like you and hubby are a strong team and that's so good - keep thinking positive. I have every faith that it will happen for you. Xxx
I would like to rant about colleagues who (admittedly unintentionally) make me feel crappy about not having a child. I didn't sleep on Sunday, I told someone on Monday and the response I had was "oh so I guess you had a baby keeping you up all night then" - IF ONLY I DID OR AT LEAST HAD ONE ON THE WAY!! I know they're only joking but comments such as that and "never have kids, it's such a mistake!" (when they talk about what a nightmare their baby is) - it's just quite insensitive. Only two people at work know we're TTC (because I burst into tears about it in front of one and got drunk and told the other) and they don't make any comments. But as I don't want people at work to know I'm TTC I just have to take these comments and laugh when all I want to say is "I can imagine how difficult it is having something that you love so unconditionally that you brought into the world" but I know it's me being over sensitive. And besides, they don't mean it. But it still hurts.
Dolly P - I know what you mean about worrying about sounding like a broken record to freinds, I speak to a few of mine about it but not in much detail as I worry the same and I also worry they think I'm over reacting!
My rant is this, why is it no matter how convinced I am that AF is going to arrive and no matter how much I prepare I still feel devastated when she arrives?!
DollyP I'm so sorry, it is so tough. Please don't worry about sounding miserable, it's totally natural. I don't think anyone really understands the mixed emotions that come with fertility probs unless you've been through it. Would IUI maybe be an option for you before IVF? Hopefully you can see the consultant soon and talk through your options. In the meantime, post here as much as you need. I try not to post too much cos I think I'll just moan and bring everyone down but sometimes you need to!
CC- It's weird, I don't think I've ever had any symptoms in the 2WW! I'm always looking for every little tiny symptom but never had one!
Enjayee- There's so many pregnant women in my work at the moment and whenever they moan I feel like screaming! Some people can be so insensitive.
It really pisses me off when people, say "it'll happen when you relax", or "sometimes it takes people a while, just keep trying". Aaaaargh, what part of I do not ovulate and only have a set number of chances do you not understand?
Lulu, for some reason I have only just seen your rant. This is exactly what I wanted to rant about, plus a bit more.
This month I knew we hadn't done it. Deep down, I knew. My husband wasn't able to perform two days in a row and I suspect that is the time I ov'd (I am unsure because I missed a day of OPKs and my sleeping pattern was all over the place due to my holiday). But even though I knew, it didn't stop me checking every baby board, every medical website, every forum for the tiniest of symptoms (e.g. "shaky in the morning - pregnant??" or "very hungry - pregnant??"). I feel so stupid for allowing myself to do it because now AF has arrived, I scold myself for even allowing to get my hopes up. I dream about how I would tell my parents, my friends and especially my husband. I want to be able to see a massive smile on his face when I tell him that if all goes well, we are to be parents and, between the lines, that our insides are compatible with each other.
I also feel like a prized idiot for getting this down so early on. We've been trying since October last year and then I had overgrown tissue removed at the end of Feb so we didn't really try properly in December or January. But I still get so upset. And then when I read the DTTC thread I feel so ashamed of myself for letting myself get that upset as it's nothing compared to what some of you lovely ladies have had to go through or are indeed going through. I'm still so early on in the journey and when I think of the stats, I know I'm still in with a chance. On the plus side, I feel more positive about things but the day that AF arrives just always feels like my world has caved in. I wish I didn't feel so alone in it though - my husband isn't as supportive as I'd like him to be but I don't think he knows how to handle it. I am a terrible person for feeling slightly resentful towards him because of the lack of performance because I know it's only because he puts himself under immense pressure and he even went to the doctor to get tablets to sort it out. I wish it weren't necessary. I love him with all my heart and I want us to be parents. But every time I feel AF in the first two days especially it just reminds me that I've failed him and failed me so far. I know it's a dramatic way of putting things but it is almost programmed into me, this fear of failure.
My best friend told me that "it will happen in the most natural, most beautiful way possible if I just relax and perhaps have sex on the kitchen table instead of the clinical bedroom" and I know she's trying to help but it didn't help as she doesn't understand yet. For some reason I've resigned myself very early to the 'fact' that we're going to need medical intervention to make this happen. Like the fear of failure, this is programmed into me - that I can't do it and, worse, that I don't deserve it. That stems from things in the past which I'm trying to beat but it's very very difficult. There's always a voice in my head that tells me that "nice things only happen to other people". But I would never say that to any of you or any of my friends ... so why the hell do I tell this to myself, the person I'm supposed to take care of the most? I hate this about me so much but I find it so hard to change.
I have no idea what I would do without Mumdrum. I've decided to stop going on Facebook for a while as it's just hurting me too much at the moment and if I hide any more pregnant friends or husbands of friends I may not have any friends left.
If you have finished reading this then well done - maybe take with a slight pinch of salt as I have only literally just come on ... but it's how I feel at the moment.
Thank yo
Enjayee another hug from me, I hope writing it all down has helped you. Some of what you have written is word for word how I feel but I haven't been able to write it down.
I really hope you feel better soon and maybe talk things over with your H, I'm sure he wants to be more supportive but he probably blames himself for you being upset. Sorry I'm rubbish with words so nothing else to add just wanted you know you do deserve this as much as anyone else and we are all hear to listen xxx
Huge inappropriate weirdy internet hugs from me DollyP and Enjayee and what the hell.....anyone else who wants a squishy hug too!!! xxx
Enjayee, I think firstly you really need to stop being so hard on yourself, of course you deserve this those thoughts are not going to help lovely. If you've only been actively trying since October and not every month then you shouldn't be worrying yourself that anything is wrong, statistics say it takes around 12 months to fall, of course some are more fortunate than others and it happens sooner but then there are some where it just takes a bit more time. x
Enjayee - I've missed this but I just wanted to come on and offer a huge internet weirdy hug to you. Come on here whenever you like to have a rant as getting it all down can help some bit. As others have said, we're all here for you and lean on us as much as you need to xxx
You are all lovely. Thank you so much. It really did help to write it down. Claire, you're so right ... the "don't deserve it" thoughts have been programmed into me from a young age to do with pretty much everything and I'm working on that at the moment with a CBT therapist. I hope to get better soon!
Enjayee - I could have written what you have. I wish that I could keep my emotions in check when i think about others on here and their struggles, as I my journey pales into insignificance. It's a huge rollercoaster of hopeful highs and massive lows, and I don't know how to calm down and stop it. Sending huge hugs your way.