Anyone else as frightened of falling pg as I am?

I didn't want to highjack Fairythalia's thread, so have started another. Mafia's last post on that thread has really struck a chord with me.

I am so worried that I won't fall pregnant, and yet falling pregnant fills me with absolute dread. I am so scared of everything about it. It's the one thing I crave and yet the one thing that is threatening to tip me over the edge. I just don't know how I will deal with it. I feel like I wouldn't want anyone to know about it, at all, until the baby is born, but is that unreasonable? It would cause such friction with the outlaws if they didn't know or were sworn to secrecy. But the thought of my mil fussing over my next pregnancy makes me quake in my boots - I just don't want her in my face all the time.

I feel much stronger in myself now, but that is only when I think of my life carrying on as it is now. When I throw ttc into the equation I feel lost. In a way I feel like calling it a day even before I have really begun because I don't know which I find more frightening - the thought of ttc for months to come or the thought of falling pregnant.

Does anyone else feel as frightened as me?
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Posts

  • Aww hun, hugs,

    I think the thought of being pregnant is very frightening after what we have all been through. I know that everyday will be scary when it happens again I have to keep in my mind that it will be sooo worth it in the long run.

    I told hubs at the weekend that when we get our BFP I will be living in denial about the whole thing!! Think that might be my way of coping with how scared and worried of mc - ing again I will be.

    I am so convinced we will get a BFP soon ish (when we finally start trying again), can't entertain right now that it might take ages. image

    xxx
  • I know how you feel, I'm so scared that I will have to go through this all again and I don't think I'm strong enough to cope with it. I'm so desperate to be pg again, but terrified it will all end in tears again.

    When I was pg with my son, I didn't believe I was going to have a baby until I actually gave birth and held him, I was sooo scared that something was going to happen to him that it just didn't seem real. Then when I lost my bean it made it hit home that it doesn't just happen to other people, it can happen to everyone, now I'm scared because I keep reading on here some women going through it for the 2nd or 3rd time and I really don't know how they have the strength to do it, I really have the greatest admiration for them.

    I also keep thinking shall we just forget it, we have Harrison and maybe he is all we're meant to have. But deep down I know I want more, I'm just scared of this happening again.

    xxxx
  • Aww hun, I know exactly what you mean and something like this to hubby only last night. Although I want to be pg more than anything, I am sh!t scared of having to gp through the pain and devestation of a mc again, and I really take my hat off to the lovely ladies on here who have had to go through it time and time again - I'm not sure I could cope to be honest.

    What I think is so unfair is that the excitment and magic will have gone out of pg for us now due to our previous expereinces and personally I feel robbed for that.

    xxx
  • Thank god i'm not the only one. I feel completely freaked out by it all. I really want my BFP but I really don't know how I'm going to feel when I do. At the moment I feel like I would want to hibernate for 9 months!

    We have decided not to say anything until 12 weeks when it does happen but I think that's too early. At work I plan to last as long as I possiblely can before telling anyone.

    I'm not trying to be overly negative as I'm actually in a really good place right now but I can't actually imagine being pregnant, staying pregnant and getting a baby at the end of it.

    It makes me feel like i'm a bit of a weirdo! x x
  • it is scary guys, but you'll cope just like you have with everything so far. If we'd thought before our MC's/ectopics about how we'd cope with it, or thought the day it happened about how we'd move on we'd never have thought it was possible. Being pg again is kinda like recovering after the MC happens - it's a rollercoaster of feeling better about things then crashing back down again. I keep rabbitting away to hubby about plans, when we'll buy things, how we'll do things when bubs is here. Then sometimes I just stop mid-sentence, because I feel like I'm getting too excited and I shouldn't in case something goes wrong again.

    But I think the thing is to think about people like NattyNik. she must have had some awful times with all her MC's, but I bet if you asked her now she has Olyvia she would tell you everything was worth it to get to where she is now. We'll allo have that feeling some day. It is harder after MC than it was before, but you can all do it. Don't be scared!!

    love Gems
    xx
  • I'm just so worried that I'm not strong enough to go through a whole pregnancy without having a breakdown. I remember saying this before and someone replied that I will just "have" to be strong enough, and I can see what they meant, but it's easier said than done.

    Every time I think I have got over the mmc something like this rears it's ugly head and it's one step forward, two back. On a day to day basis I'm quite chipper now and I can go whole days without glum thought, but as soon as I think about ttc again my head goes into a spin. The more I think about it the more I think that perhaps I would be better off knocking it on the head entirely. I know that sounds a bit melodramatic and like Mafia I am really trying to stay positive but I've started thinking that, well, my happiness and sanity is more important to me than having a baby. But there are too many "what if's" in my head, like, what if three years down the line I bitterly regret not persevering with the ttc or what if for all I know my bad luck is well and truly behind me and my next pregnancy is fated to be text book and uneventful?

    Sorry, I know I am rambling, but I have PMT and am feeling so emotional at the moment. And I hope I haven't brought any of you down, thanks for letting me get it off my chest (yet again!).

  • I agree with you all! I think I will need to be put into a coma in order to survive the first 12 weeks without driving myself and my hubby mad with my worries and concerns!

    m&s I do not think you are being selfish not wanting to tell people when you get you BFP (soon!!). We have decided we are not telling anyone until we see our littelone wiggling on a screen with a strong heart beat! I am sure my family will understand and then they do not have to worry about me either! I got really upset when we Bd the other night for the first time since Nov (had banned it has I did not want to risk anything until 12 weeks - next time we can have as much as we can get!!) and got really upset. The thought of months ttc and disappointment suddenly hit me! I think its going to be an emotional journey girlies but hopefully a short one!
  • You unleash M&S, I know exactly how you feel.

    I have started a new little venture, making crafty bits, wooden magnets and stuff purely to stop thinking about ttc.

    You are definitely not alone with how you are feeling but it's good to get it off your chest x x
  • I have been thinking about this post all afternoon, and the more I think about it the more I realise that it is women like us, who have lost our precious baby's, who will actually appreciate and treasure our future baby's because we know just how precious they are and how quickly and cruelly we can be robbed of them. We know the reality of loving and losing, of the feeling of guilt that we did something wrong, of that never knowing why we lost our little beans, and I personally think that when we hold our future baby for the first time we will appreciate that much more than if we had never been through this.

    I'm not saying that anyone who hasn't had mc/ectopic can't feel love and appreciation for their baby, but I think for us it's that little bit more special because we have been through so much to get there and it isn't just a baby we have, its a miracle, it's months of ttc and 9 months of constant worrying when we do conceive. I love Harrison more than anything, but losing my baby has made me realise just how precious he is, and how easily he could have been taken away.

    Really sorry if this sounds morbid, I just wanted you all to know that it will happen for us, we deserve it and when it does it will be so much more special (even if we're worrying for 9 months).

    xxxxx
  • Sammi your post has made me cry a little (in a good way). I know what you mean about appreciating just how special having a baby really is. I hope I am strong enough to stick with it so that I can appreciate my own little bundle of fun.
  • Hi

    I would like to share my experience with you and the fears of being pregnant after m/c.

    My first pregnancy went without a hitch, I felt great all the way through, no sickness and gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

    Second pregnancy I miscarried at 11+5, it was a natural m/c, lots of heavy bleeding resulting in a d&c and blood transfusion.

    Third pregnancy, everything was going well but I could not enjoy it for fear something would go wrong, a scan at 20w showed low lying placenta, I was monitored regularly and gave birth to a baby girl.

    Fourth pregnancy ended in m/c at 10weeks, had a d&c.

    My marriage broke up, my husband developed a drinking and gambling addiction and became extremely violent. I remarried, letting it be known that I would love another child, behind my back, he went and had a vasectomy, I was shattered! Things went from bad to worse and we divorced. I then met and married who I believe to be Mr Rightimage

    I was elated to find I was pregnant in March 2008, I had a scan at 7w and my dreams were crushed, there wasn't a heartbeat, a d&c followed.

    I fell pregnant again very quickly, I was SO anxious, I started to bleed at 9w, I thought it was over, I was scanned and a heartbeat was detected but the scan showed the placenta was coming away slightly due to a large clot, I was given a 50/50 chance, I was given hormone injections and put on aspirin, thank God she made it. The birth was nothing short of horrific (I had her in the Middle East), she was so blue and didn't cry, they whisked her off to SCBU, I was being stitched up and knew nothing of how she was or if everything was OK, I was left in limbo for 3 hours. Fortunately all was well.

    Then came pregnancy 7, I was a wreck and could not get excited at all, I really didn't want to be pregnant, I was so scared, the whole threat of m/c and my birthing experience filled me with dread. I was comforted by the fact my symptoms were so strong, I had a scan, everything was on target, nice strong heartbeat, no clots, I finally allowed the excitement to kick in, then without any warning, at 12 weeks, my waters broke and I passed my small but perfectly formed baby, the bleeding lasted for 5 weeks and my emotional state is still in tatters.

    This is my last ever attempt at trying, I can totally relate to your fears, good luck to a happy and healthy baby soon xxxxx
  • I agree with all the posts, especially Sammi's. Had a discussion about this some time back.

    I think alot of the dread is also that before we all mc we was so excited about ttc & after your lose a precious baby it takes the excitement out of it all. We all want to desperatley be pg but as we've had such tramatic experiences it's onlynatural that we'd feel frightened for the future.

    4 mc later im shitting myself but have to try & keep a little faith that our nxt pg will be successful & we'll be able to carry our baby to full term, im also worried about my oh I know at the moment he's dying for me to get pg but is so scared of what may happen not just to baby but to me!!.

    xxx

  • Kazzie, I feel traumatised just reading your story, what horrific experiences, the three babies / children you have must be really treasured, far more than anyone who hadn't been through what you have. Lots of love to you and you family.

    M&S you not alone sweetie. I know I want a baby with my DH more than anything; yet getting a BFP will be the first day of a journey that could end in two ways. We all know the negative path that a pregnancy can take, but it can also take a positive path and you could have the most amazing experience, resulting in a beautiful baby that was totally adored.

    The bottom line is that at the moment it feels like a gamble, if you don't place your bet you simply can not win. I think the trick is to make sure you are totally ready for placing that bet. The stake seems high when you've already lost so much.

    Do I need more time? Well, no I'm totally ready for a baby and want one, so I'm ready to win but... I'm not ready to loose, I'm not strong enough to experience another m/c so I'm not placing my bet for a while. It's petrifying.

    In the future, when we do get our BFP, like you I don't know if I'll want any medical intervention or anyone touching me at all. Scans are so evil they just create anxiety. Anxiety; should you book an early scan or not? Anxiety; waiting for the scan date, anxiety; because baby is not quite big enough to hear HB yet? Anxiety; waiting for the next scan... etc.

    Leave us alone, we're going to hide in a little cave until about 16 weeks! image Maybe we do need a bit more time? :roll:
  • Fairythalia you have described exactly how I feel! I am ready for children, have considered everything that they entail and am ready to give my life over to motherhood, but like you I am not ready for my gamble to fail again. I just don't think I could go through it a second time.

    But Laujai is right in that you have to have faith that everything will work out for the best, otherwise what would be the point in carrying on?

    Kazzie thank you for sharing your story - you are a very brave lady to keep on trying after so much heartache, but your story does prove that in amongst pain can be incredible joy.
  • After our 1st mmc I was completley broken, I was signed off work for a month cause I didnt know what to do with myself & when I returned I was still a walking zombie. I didnt think that I would have to endure that pain again but we have on 3 more occasions.
    These things make us stronger cause there's no way that I wouldve thought I would be strong enough to go through 4 mc & still be trying but we want a baby & im not ready to give up on being a mum so everytime I get pg I keep some faith & tell myself that this time will be different & I try & stay strong for my babie,ok so I've been disapointed & I have bad days but I know one day Im gona be holding my baby & she or he will be treasured more than anyone in the world because of the heartache we've been through to have them, I dont know when that will be & who know's my badluck may not be out yet but I will keep trying & try & think positively that everything will be ok in the end. xxx
  • Sammi what you said was perfect!

  • Going off on a slight tangent, yet still relevant to OP by M&S.

    I was wondering today what it will be like when we 'BD' for the first time after this M/C.

    I imagine that it will be very emotional and wondered if it will feel different, sore?

    I realise this might be too personal a question but what do you all think? How was it? How do you feel about it?

  • i'm bricking it! I want to be pregnant so much but its upsetting to think i might not be able to enjoy it as much as i could have done. I was pretty anxious this time round as it was my first preg and tried not to let myself get too carried away incase the worst happens, then of course the worst does bloody happen. at the moment I can't imagine not being terried about the pregnancy all the time which makes me feel so sad.

    FT - the first time afterwards wasn't as upsetting as i had thought it might be. i guess i tried to focus on making a new baby and looking forward to that instead of thinking about our first baby. I hope that doesn't sound heartless?

  • We BD on Saturday for the first time since mmc and I was quite excited to be starting again but then I suddenly felt very emotional about the prospect of starting all over again - took 13 months last time! It was slightly sore but this may be because I got upset.
  • I enjoyed bd'ing not from a baby making aspect but to feel really close to my oh x
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