So Many Questions......

Evening ladies, I really need your help to clear up a few nagging questions.

I'm a mum of one and have today had an EPRC (to remove undeveloped pregnancy), as baby had no heartbeat. I'm absoloutly devastated and wondered if you could help me clear some things in my head, as my pregnancy with my son was fine and I really don't have a clue how to cope with this :cry:

How long after your MC did you start trying again? I know it's early days for me but just curious.

Did you name the baby? (i was only 10 weeks so not sure what to do really to help me 'mourn' baby as I don't know if some people might think it's silly with me only being 10 weeks) and did naming the baby help at all?

Does everyone blame themselves?

Sorry for the list but I just don't know who else to ask as my poor hubby hasn't got a clue what to say or do.

Thank you ladies



  • Hi Sammi, I'm so sorry you lost your baby.

    I had an ectopic pregnancy in September and, like you, was and still am devestated. i had never been through anything like this before.

    I felt from the start that my baby was a boy. A few weeks after I did name my baby Alexander. This is not the name that hubby and I had ever thought of but I had a dream and that was his name.

    I personally felt that help me with deal the loss of my baby rather that it being the "ectopic",

    I also bought a lovely bracelt and had the jeweler add a little twinkle star on for him. It has made me feel like I always have him by me.

    I found going with my emotions the best way forward. I went from devestation to real real anger, to nothing, to the deepest unhappiness and back again. If I tried to supress it it was worse.

    I blamed myself, I thought maybe it was because I drank too much caffine. This is rubbish but I think it is natural to wonder if it was something you did, even though in your head you know it wasn't.

    I wanted to try again immediately but couldn't because of my treatment and have had to wait 3 months. I was devestated by this but looking back on it I really needed some time to get over what had happened to me as i was no way strong enough to deal with it again so soon if god forbid teh worst was to happen.

    Be kind to yourself and please come on here. We have all had similar experiences and it has been a great source of support and comfort for me x x
  • HI Sammi

    Firstly I am so sorry that you have to go through this - miscarriage is a terrible thing to go through. I had an erpc at the end of September, following a mmc discovered at our 12 week scan.

    I would say that I am still in mourning for my baby, although the pain I felt right at the start has gone away for the most part. I have felt incredibly sad, unbelievably angry, resentful, jealous of pregnant ladies and so so frightened. I also felt so very guilty that I hadn't been able to protect my little baby.

    I think of my baby as a little angel, and I think of her as a girl, although I didn't name her. I bought a necklace with an angel wing pendant, and wearing it brings me comfort. Sometimes I think she is looking down, sending me her love.

    I don't blame myself. And neither should you! It's no-one's fault that this happens. As much as I hate this phrase - it's just "one of those things".

    For a number of random reasons we haven't started ttc again yet, but are about to in the next couple of weeks. Although when it happened I just wanted to be pregnant ASAP in retrospect I am so glad we didn't start trying again straight away. I have had time to work through my grief and am far more ready to face the ttc challenge than I would have been a couple of months ago.

    Take time for yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel.

  • Hey hun, i'm sorry to hear of your loss. I had a mmc found at our 12 week scan which was so hard as i never had any warning signs and early scans at 5,6 & 7 weeks showed bean was fine with a good heartbeat. i never expected bad news, It's been a rough road and leading up to xmas (had mc induced in hospital on 1 august) i'm feeling the pain ease in again as it's going to be tough as xmas was supposed to be so full of happiness and excitement this year and now it's not. the pain does get easier to bear hun i promise, just take one day at a time.

    We started ttc straight away and now in the 2ww of cycel 3. has taken my body ages to adjust but for some people it's really quick. there are a couple of girls on here that had a mc about the same time as me and are now about 14 weeks pg again! it does make me feel very left behind but you have to try and be patient and not stress cus it's not going to help...

    Do what's right for you hun. Good luck xx
  • My situation is quite like you. Had a healthy pregnancy with my son, got pregnant second time around and at the 12 week scan we got the news of a mmc. I had no idea that it would happen, after a succesfull pregnancy I wasn't expecting the news.

    We did name the baby, we went for Sam. (both possible for girl and boy, which I wanted) It did help to call it Sam, that way I stopped calling it 'it' which made me feel bad. Also it helped me giving it a place. We did not really told anyone we named the baby and even now I don't think anyone would understand. It is hard, cause I am kinda on my own. My husband is trying to understand, but he will never feel the same as me.

    I decided to start straight away. It is now 6.5 weeks ago and no sign of af yet. I want af to arrive, so I know my cycles are back. (or a positive test) I have no idea if it will arrive shortly or it will take more time. I have always been 28 days, so it might take a while before your normal cycle will return.

    And yes I have been blaming myself. I know one of my friends ideas is that you cause miscarriage yourself or that at least you can do something to prevent it, so we haven't told a lot of people. My parents know, who stopped speaking to me since because they felt terrible by the way I talked about it, my parents in law know, who were very supportive, but than her father died and that took their attention away completely and one set of friends know, who I haven't spoken to much lately. (she keeps herself busy and not sure if she does it to avoid me)
    I know I am not to blame, but that doesn't stop me from blaming myself.
  • Hi hun, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a mc at 6 weeks last sunday night and it was my first pregnancy. It was a total shock, you read all the odds and how many women it happens to but never in a million years did I really actually think it would happen to me.
    I do blame myself a little but I have had the doctor and my OH both telling me there is nothing more I could have done, someone somewhere knew it was for the best for both me and my little bean so as hard as it is, I have to accept that I will never know why it happened.
    We didn't name our little bean, mainly because I feel that might set me back a few steps of the grieving process if I start contemplating names for him/her but if you feel it would help you come to terms with your loss then it's a lovely idea.
    As for trying again, I'm desperate to start though I'm still having a light bleed at the minute from the mc so I don't really know when is best to start or what way my cycle will be now.
    The one thing that has really helped are the lovely women on this forum, if you are ever in need of a chat or have any questions then this is the place to come, we all know what each other is going through and the moral support is fantastic xx
  • Hi Sammy, Im so sorry for ur lose. I decided to start trying 2 wks after my m/c but I was only 6 wks and had a natural m/c. I think it just depends on how u r feeling ur self.

    If u need to name ur baby, then do it. It doesnt matter what any one else thinks about it only matters about u n ur partner. Me n my partner decided on a name for both a boy n a girl even before i fell preg n will now not call any future babies by those names as to me it was either the boy or girl name. I think every 1 thinks what they could of done differently but going through this is horrible but talking to the ladies on here has really helped me both come to terms and realise that the way I am feeling is not stupid it is normal. xx
  • Breighlin honey it was NOT your fault! You didn't cause it and there is actually very little you can do to prevent a mc. All the prevention is just regular pg advice - stuff like take folic acid, eat well, rest. I have read two books about miscarriage and other than having lots and lots of tests to rule out chromosome issues or other things like sticky blood, there is nothing you can do to stop a mc once it has started. Your friend needs to pull her neck in and support you! Some friend.

    Sorry, bit ranty there, but it makes me cross to hear such nonsense from so called "friends".
  • Hi Sammi,

    hope you're "coping" okay - this forum has been a tremendous source of support, whether Im posting or just lurking.

    I know what you mean about TTC - I was thinknig about it before I had left the hospital - I just wanted to be pregnant again. We have decided that we are going to wait until AF arrives and then decide if we are ready then. I have been told mixed things from not having to wait to having to wait up to 6 months.

    Similar to Huni we didnt name our baby - but we made a memory box (teddy bear, letter form us both and scan picture). this has been a great support for me and has helped.

    You do what you think is best for you hun - we are all different and "cope" in different ways.

    For the first few days when it happened (3 weeks ago) I honestly never thought I would get through it, but I promise that you will. you will find inner strength - it wont make it go away or not hurt,but you will be able to get through it.

    we are all here for one another to chat, rant, cry...and to celebrate (as there will be a happy ending for us all!)

    lots of love


    x x x
  • Hi Sammi

    So sorry to hear what's happened. You will get through it even though you will never forget what has happened.

    I had a MMC at the end of Feb (I was nearly 9 weeks) I had an ERPC too. I decided to wait until I had 3 cycles before we started trying again. My third cycle was at the begining of July and I got my BFP that month.

    We didn't name our baby, but if you want to you should. The forums on here are fantastic. Lots of luck for TTC when you are ready.

    Take care.

    Hayley xx
  • Hi Sammi

    So sorry to hear what's happened. You will get through it even though you will never forget what has happened.

    I had a MMC at the end of Feb (I was nearly 9 weeks) I had an ERPC too. I decided to wait until I had 3 cycles before we started trying again. My third cycle was at the begining of July and I got my BFP that month.

    We didn't name our baby, but if you want to you should. The forums on here are fantastic. Lots of luck for TTC when you are ready.

    Take care.

    Hayley xx
  • Hi ladies

    Thank you so much for your lovely and encouraging replies. I think in a situation like this, you can feel very isolated and alone, as though no one else understands. It's very difficult for people who haven't been through this to support you properly as they don't have a clue how you feel. It's nice to come on here and talk to women who have experienced the same thing and therefore know how you feel, and don't just say 'oh you can have another one', cos it's the one I lost that I wanted. I had never in a million year expected to lose a baby, especially as my pregnancy with Harrison was fine. I know 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in mc but I guess no one expects they will be that one.

    I deffinately agree with Sara, I am really jealous of pregnant women and keep thinking 'why me?, why my baby?', I did everything I should, relaxed, took folic acid, cut out everything we're advised to, yet still my baby is gone.

    I was thinking of calling the baby Ashli, as although I was certain it was a girl, I thought Ashli could be for either and it isn't a name we had picked for baby, though I'm not sure if hubby will think it's a good idea as he wasn't very happy that I have a scan picture.

    I have kept all my notes etc from my visits to hospital with the scan picture and am going to put them in a little box, so I have something to look back on if/when I'm ready.

    We have decided to wait until March time before we TTC again as I think I need time to come to terms with it properly, and let my body get back to some normality. Though I would love to try straight away, I am worried that trying too soon may cause the same thing to happen again.

    Thank you all again for your help and support, it is really encouraging to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I'm not on my own.

  • You do what makes you feel better if and if that's naming your baby and keeping your scan picture, do it.

    I still have me pregnancy tests and my wristband from when I was in hospital, i just can't get rid of them. They're not hurting anyone and they make me feel better x x x
  • I have my wristband as well Princess, I can't bear to get rid of anything to do with the pregnancy.

    Me and hubby have agreed on baby Riley, as he wasn't keen on Ashli. He is trying to support me but he is the first to admit that he hasn't got a clue how I feel or what this is like for me, which I admire him for being honest and not just humouring me.

    I'm going to make a little memory box at the weekend to put Riley's notes and scan picture in. I've decided not to tell family or friends though as I know they will think I'm completely mad naming a baby I've never even held, but to me, Riley was still a little baby, my baby, and we had discussed our lives with him/her in it and made plans for our future with another baby and a brother or sister for Harrison.

    Has anyone else told their children you were having a baby prior to the miscarriage then had to tell them baby has gone? I told Harrison and although he's only 2 years and 9 months he keeps saying 'mummy got baby in tummy', 'me want brother or sister', how do I tell him baby has gone? he understands a lot and is quite advanced for his age and has even been telling people he is going to be a big brother, I just don't know how or what to tell him cause he seems so excited :cry:

    Thank you again ladies, you really are a great support :\)

  • My lo is only 7.5 months, so not told him anything yet. image

    Maybe you can tell him that you want a baby in your tummy, but that you have to wait till it happens. Maybe in the sense of waiting for a present. That he will be a big brother sometime, but not yet. That he needs to grow a little bit bigger first.

    It is hard, you don't want to lie to them, but on the other hand they can not understand the truth. I have no clue as to how to explain it, might show in how I put it here. image

    And even if your husband does not understand, we will. So we will be here for you to talk to, moan to and to get the understanding you need.
  • Thanks Breighlin, it's a difficult situation cause no matter what I do someone is going to say I've done the wrong thing.

    We lost my grandad last year, so I was thinking of perhaps telling him that the baby had gone to live with grandad with the Angels. We try to talk about my grandad quite a bit, as he was a big part of our lives and he adored Harrison, so he understands that grandad is with the Angels, what does anyone else think? will it confuse him? or help him to understand that baby is not in mummy's tummy now?

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