Advice Please!!

I've got a few days off work to get over my miscarriage. I'm definitely not physically ready to go back yet, as i couldn't stand up for 9 hours a day. Emotionally i'm a bit up and down, but a lot better than i was last week. I'm not really sure how long to stay off, i know its an individual thing, but i was just wondering what everyone else was doing/ has done?
Also, what did you all do when you were getting over this? I've thought about writing down all my memories of the pregnancy, so i can't forget anything!
I'm a bit worried about how i'm going to be able to deal with all of this. I lost someone very close to me ten years ago, and still find that impossible to talk about. I know this sounds a bit oddly practical, but i just need some ideas of what to do with my time off to grieve for and move on from the loss of our baby. I hope this makes sense! Thankyou xx


  • hey, i found out on a weds that my bean had died, went back the next day for the 1st tbalet and then spent all of sat in hosp. i returned back to work the wedsday after. i think i would've liked maybe one or 2 extra days off but hubby couldnt and i dint want to be alone, by my manager was great and i left at 4 for those 3 days so it helped get me back into the swing of things! we all deal with things diff. i'm 6 months on from the mc and ttc again and still have bad days. xxx
  • hey, i found out on a weds that my bean had died, went back the next day for the 1st tbalet and then spent all of sat in hosp. i returned back to work the wedsday after. i think i would've liked maybe one or 2 extra days off but hubby couldnt and i dint want to be alone, by my manager was great and i left at 4 for those 3 days so it helped get me back into the swing of things! we all deal with things diff. i'm 6 months on from the mc and ttc again and still have bad days. xxx
  • It does make sense hun but it's so individual. For me I cried lots and had afternoon naps to replace the hours I was awake in the night reliving it image
    I found the more I told the story either verbally or on forums etc the less the pain got so I would say if that helps you keep talking. You ay find that on BE there are various different threads where you can repeat yourself image If people have already read it they'll skip it and not say 'yeah we know....' cos we're all lovely here! My DH is great luckily and let me wallow and seemed to know when to hug me and when to leave me.
    Make sure you still eat and drink as lots of people shut down that side of themselves.
    Don't go back until you feel ready... some people prefer to get back to a routine and be busy, others need that me time. If necessary get signed off by your GP. I know someone that took a whole month off.
    It will come back and bite you on the bum as you say you still feel sad after 10 years.
    Today in the playground I saw a mum who got pregnant the same time as me and she has a lovely bump now. Another day I would have found that lovely but today it made me cry. Luckily I was very open about being pregnant and the mc so had support from friends who knew exactly why I cried. For me that helps but some people prefer to keep it all private.
    After my scan to check it had gone after I mc naturally, I was given info leaflets and a website which I never went to personally but it may help you to look at support websites...

    Thinking of you hun - it takes time but it does get better in time image
  • hello Ellie,

    Im so sorry for your loss.

    Every person is different and you need to do what feels right for you, but I'll share what I did. we lost our baby at the end of Nov at 17 weeks. I got a phonecall on the tues to ask me to go for a scan on the wed afternoon. Thats when we found out the terrible news. I text work to let them know (they knew Id been for a scan) and I was off for 2 half weeks in all. I could have maybe gone back earlier as I was starting to get "bored" and cabin fever and started to take steps backwards if you know what I mean. The first week I was off I allowed myself to just chill and do what I want - stay in bed, cry, watch crappy tv and eat junk. My hubbie was also off for 4 days with me, the second week I started to do nice things - having my hair done, meeting up with my best friends etc. I felt I wanted to be a bit more like me and to be stronger until I went back to work. When I went back work were great - they just let me sit at my desk and potter around for the first week.

    we did a memory box and put all of our little reminders in there - scan pictures, congratulations cards, and we wrote a card from "mummy and daddy" and also put a teddy bear in. the box has really really helped us.

    Someladies have also planted a tree, or got a nice peice of jewellary to wear.

    take your time hun, do whatever you feel you want to. if you feel like having a "down" day then do it, if the next day you feel more stronger then meet up with friends, or go out.

    I took each day as it came, and went with my feelings and emotions.

    Its now nearly 8 weeks on and Im doing good - I knwo its a cliche but time really does help,

    we're all here for you, just hola

    x x x

  • Hey, thanks for your replies. Its been really good to read your stories and learn from them! Today i think i'll try a little of the pampering, rather than sofa/chocs/crap tv and see how that goes. Also, (thanks Seraphina) i'll remember to drink today. Would rather forgt to eat than forget to drink, but nevermind!
    Purplebubbles, i hadn't really thought about doing something like planting a tree. I really like that idea, and so does my husband, so it will be nice to have something constructive to plan, and to remember.
    Not sure how long to stay off still, but atleast i know a week and a half wouldn't be too much.
    Thankyou, Elli xx
  • hello Elli,

    glad we're helping.

    stay off for as long as you need - as others have said some people prefer to be busy at work, whilst others want more time - its completely up to you.

    I think it also depends on what work you do and what your colleagues are like. so you take your time and dont worry about work.

    have a lovely pamper day x x x
  • Hi hun,

    This is something that I struggled with too, I really wanted someone to 'tell' me when it was time to go back to work!
    I am a teacher and felt guilty also about being off although my Head was great.

    I had 5 days off, however school was actually closed for 2 off them due to snow.

    I thought I had a mc but after more bloods yesterday it has come to light that my levels have gone up so now we are back to square 1 worrying it is a possible ectopic, waiting for hosp to call and let me know what plan of action is.

    I am back at work this afternoon but fear that if it is 'e' that I will be back at hosp and will need more time of work. Keep telling myself that there is nothing I could have done to prevent this and that's the way it is, if I need more time off then so be it.

    Take it easy hun, and take all the time you need, you can't put a time limit on dealing with the emotional pain xxxx
  • Hi Elli,

    I am currently off work, I have now been off for almost a week. I went to my GP today and spoke to her about the mmc in general and mentioned I was probably going to go back to work on Monday. She advised me not to go back on a Monday as she said that I may find trying to face a full week at work quite hard. I hadn't thought of this but I think she has a point.
    I am a teacher and spoke to my head when I got back from the doc and she's suggested I go in for a couple of hours next week but not do a full day until I feel ready.
    This sounds quite clinical but my GP, head and I all agreeded that once I go in and people are 'nice' to me (my work knows whats happened) I will probably be quite upset. So I am going in to see people and get the first bits of sympathy and getting upset over with knowing I can then go home and not face a days work until I'm ready.

    For some people that really wouldn't work but it feels right for me. I can also change my mind whenever I want and stay at work or not go in at all.

    I hope I have explained that properly -I've rambled a bit!
  • Mrs H, hope you're doing ok, that must be really difficult to deal with. As if you haven't been through enough already, please let us know how you get on.

    Opalfruit, you're definitely right about people being nice to you once you get back to work. I think you're right to plan going in just for short periods to get used to it. I've just been into work and seen some of my colleages for the first time. I cried loads and they all cried too, so i think i'll pop in a few times this week while i'm off to try and move past that. I found it really good to talk to them and tell them whats happened.

    Like Seraphina said, i think its getting a little easier as i tell more people. I've just spoken to a midwife aswell, and talking to her and having my questions answered helped me a lot. And i didn't even cry!!

    Thankyou for all your advice and support xx
  • hi,

    everybody is different i three weeks off after i had my miscarriage,
    it took me a while to get over it as i had been trying for a baby for nearly three years so it hit me really hard.....

    take your time, go back when you feel up to it......
  • Hi Elli,

    As people have said, everyone is different. I has a missed miscarriage and had an ERPC about 4 days after my scan. I expected to just stay off for a week, but when I went to my GPs to get a sicknote she recommended that I stayed off for another week, so I had two weeks in total which was about right for me. I didn't want to go back too early and end up having to rush into store rooms to burst into tears and it was all still too raw after that first week.

    I found that the best thing to do with the time off is just to really take care of yourself - lots of pampering baths and surround yourself with supportive people. Also take time to talk to your OH about how you're feeling - and how he's feeling. So sorry you've had to join us in here, but everyone is lovely and very supportive,

    Big hugs, Jo xxx
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