Just need some advice.....

When oh & I got married we decided that we would love to have 2 children. After some trouble cos of my PCOS I eventually got pregnant and we had Charlotte last January. I must admit I've found it tough with one thing & another. I was eventually diagnosed with pnd in October due to anxiety but I'm on anti-d's and feeling better. My oh has also got his problems. He's been ill for a while and has recently been diagnosed with a chronic condition. Nothing really serious but it is affecting him day to day (and tbh it's affecting me indirectly too). So he's not too good at the moment. Then yesterday he dropped the bombshell that if he isn't feeling well again soon he's not sure if he wants another baby. Partly because he thinks I can't cope (thanks a lot), and cos he's not well. I'm devastated and even thought of leaving him in the state I was in!! Eventuall he did a turnaround and said he does want another one but it needs more thought and we need more help.

I don't really know what advice I need or want. I just needed to off-load. My head is spinning with all sorts of thoughts. i'm 34 this year and would have wanted to be pregnant by the end of they year but I don't know if that's going to happen now. I don't want lo to be an only child. I even threatenend him yesterday that I would find another men to get me pregnant if he wouldn't which as you can imagine did not go down too well. I just don't know what I feel now or what I want to do........ I love my oh so much but I so want another baby.......


  • oh hun, i can see his point if he is not well. he must be feeling quite poorly to be basing such a big decision on it. I dont want to upset you by saying this but threatening to leave is a dangerous game unless you actually mean it. i think you have both had a terrible time by the sounds of it and its hard to be considerate of the other when yoyr going through some crap yourself. I would try and talk to him, dont start on a negative like saying "i want a baby and if you dont we're over" kind of thing i would start by saying "i love you, i want your child no one elses and we need to work a way out to have a child in the next year or two because i feel that would complete our family, without it i dont feel i would be fully happy" thats your point (or so i think from your message)
    i hope you can talk it through to an agreement, you have both had a bad year so it would be awful to be putting more stress on each other
  • It was a proper chat..... and it's basically cos he thinks we can't cope and that he thinks I've not enjoyed being a mum either cos of how I've been. I don't think he fully understands pnd and how it can make us mums' feel! My mum died when I was 18 which has caused some of the anxiety problems with Charlotte (thinking bad things will happen etc). I've told him if I didn't enjoy being a mum why the hell would I want to do it again...?!!
  • listef - thanks for your wise words.
    It's Charlotte's 1st birthday party on Saturday and I want everything to be perfect for then. It's supposed to be a great day and now this is hanging over it.
  • i hope you manage to sort things out hun, i understand you wanting another, i def want another and oh isnt sure but i dont feel willing to back down on it. perhaps he doesnt understand pnd and is frightened that if you did suffer again with it he wouldnt be able to support you in his current state, he might need it explaining to him a bit.
  • Aw, hun. I know *exactly* how you feel. I want another, in fact just lately I'm coming round to the idea of trying again soon (well, in the next year).
    But my OH says No and that he wants to live his life and not have the responsibility, this is a total joke as he does what he likes and its me doing stuff for Gabe 99% of the time...
    (But thats another story lol.)
    Obviously your OH has a better reason, for not wanting anymore. I would try not to pressure him too much as in my experience men do not take it very well and instead to be calm and explain how important it is to you. Listef has given some brilliant advice I think.
    I too suffer with anxiety and OCD about lots of things and PND makes this worse, I am on antidepressents which I'm doing well on.
    And I really sympathise about your mum hun. I know its not the same but my mum left my dad when I was 6 and my sister 4 and moved in with someone else (long story) so basically dad raised me and though I don't feel bitter to her at all, she is not a maternal kind of person and I really worry what if I am the same, so I'm constantly panicking about how to be a 'good mum' whatever that is.
    There is hope though hun, I have to say I find 2nd time mothers (on this site and in real life) to be much, much more relaxed and confident with their children, I think it's only natural to panic more with your 1st as you're in the dark about everything.
  • Thanks for all your replies, you are a great bunch of ladies who have great advices xx
    Me & oh haven't mentioned babies today. Think I'll let it lie for a bit. He's spoken to his consultant today about his condition and he's changing his meds so I think something has prompted him to do this!
    I've got lots of other things on my mind now - Charlotte has her booster jabs tomorrow afternoon which I'm dreading, it's her party on Saturday, then it's her 1st birthday on the 13th!! Everything at once - just hope she doesn't suffer with her jabs and she's ok for her party!!
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