I need to get this off my chest

Ok, This is going to be long winded so I am going to apologise in advancee...but I do hope that you can stay with me long enough to understand. I would also like to say that I have contemplated creating a new username to post this, but due to the nature of why im putting this down I thought that would be a bit of a cop out.

Ok so here it is...

When I found out that I was pregnant, I was alarmed, scared and angry. Me and my partner were not on best terms and this just seemed like the last straw really so we set up an appointment to see the doctor and went to talk about our 'options' I found out on the monday and had the appointment for the wednesday and during this time, me and my partner didnt really speak about it...we were just kind of numb. Long story short we obviously decided that we couldn't have an abortion.

I was around 20 weeks pregnant and was sitting at the dinnertable with OHs mum when she told me that his gran (her MIL) had expressed concern that I had trapped her grandson and that I had meant to fall pregnant. She also told me that she was not happy about the pregnancy but 'what can you do, theres a baby now' When I spoke to OH about this, he said that his dad had also took him aside and told him that it 'all added up' as we were going through a hard time and I may have done it to make sure he 'stuck around' - my OH made the biggest mistake of all by ending this statement with 'well, did you?' He also told me that my mum thought the same as his gran. I felt so betrayed and angry and upset. I was just coming to terms with my life changing and I just felt like I couldn't trust anyone. I also felt that I could not enjoy the pregnancy anymore as they would be saying 'shes enjoying it see I told you she meant it' And I didnt want that to happen.

OH was never really involved with purchases ect which as a female, I think we see this as a major bonding experience that gets you ready for your babies arrival...I wanted him to be a part of this but I felt isolated, and guilty for being pregnant and putting him in this situation of having a child we did not want at the time.

When I had Grant, I didn't bond with him at all. When we were in the hospital alone, he just lay in his little fishtank and slept the world away. I didnt want to hold him whilst he slept, and I didnt want to be there with him either. I didnt feed him myself for three days as I couldnt breastfeed naturally and the midwives made me express into a syringe which only they were allowed to administer. Then I went straight back to glasgow rather than home after I left the hospital because I just didnt have a clue what I was supposed to be feeling. There was no rush of love, all I felt when I looked at the baby was guilt.

When we went back to glasgow, I didnt hold him, I didnt give him his first bath, I was horrid at changing him and he used to scream his head off whenever I held him. My Inlaws thought it strange all I wanted him to do was sleep and would be happy when he was finally sleeping (but what else does a newborn do?) I will now admit that I cant even remember Grant's first 48hours....I cant even remember the first night back at home either.

We had a 'situation' with my inlaws thinking that grants milk was hurting his tummy, and they kept pressuring my OH to change brands. At one point, after I breif phonecall with my OH, he forgot to hang up and all I could hear was 'what is UP with her? I dont understand,,,hes HER baby for crying out loud' That night, OH sat me down and told me his family thought there was something wrong with me, and that I wouldnt let them touch their grandchild, he told me that he thought I had changed and that there was something wrong. I told him something I cant really repeat without it being highly censored...and put it to the back of my mind.

Now, Grant is a happy healthy little man who is none the wiser that I, his mummy, feel like his babysitter. I dont really feel like he is my son, and have probably only called him this about three times since he was born. I also feel that someone is going to chap the door and take him away, saying thanks for looking after him for me. I spoke to my HV about it and we both came to the conclusion that I feel guilty about falling pregnant. And that others feelings about how I managed to fall pregnant have 'spoiled' my experience.

I cant talk to my mum because she has her own issues right now and it wouldnt be fair for me to unload it on her

My OH is fantastic and will stick up for me 100% but I just dont know what to do...I can speak to him but I honestly dont wee what good it would do.

My HV is now talking about counselling, medication and getting out more as things they can do to help bit im not entirely sure what I want to do. I love grant to pieces..I KNOW I am his mum, I just don't know how im supposed to feel, and whether or not I have a bond, have the capability of making my bond stronger, or are impeding it through feelings of guilt for changing the lives of both myself and OH when we were young (im 23 hes 24)

Thanks for listening


  • Don't know if you wanted anyone to reply, or just wanted to vent. What I will say is that, in admitting how you feel & talking about it, you have taken a big step & one that takes courage. I really hope that things work out the way that you want them, and have no doubt that you will do what's best for you & your little boy xx
  • Oh hun I didnt want to read and run so my reply will bump it up to the top for others to read and offer advice. I really feel for you, I think your MW is probably right, it would do you good to be able to sit and talk everything through with someone. I don't have any kids yet, I pop into baby for advice as I am due in July, so I am sorry that I am not much help.
    Your partners family have not been very fair to you at all which is a great shame because you could do with all the support you can get right now.

    Take care, I hope others can give you better advice hun, hugs to you x
  • You are a brave lady for voicing how you feel and you should be proud of yourself, many people would deny it.

    How you're feeling is in part natural in your situation, but also sounds like PND, so counselling and medication may well be the best way for you to get through this.

    You love him, you said that yourself, and that means you'll get through this, have faith.

    Congratulations on your son, I hope you can enjoy being a Mummy soon.

    We all need to vent sometimes, and if you want to talk to someone totally unconnected privately, just email me.

  • Sweetheart, you've had a right old rough ride of things, haven't you?

    I think you're very lucky to have a perceptive and supportive health visitor, and I think she is right in her approach - I think you need to speak to your GP and perhaps look at what anti depressants he might be able to prescribe, because what you are describing sounds very much like postnatal depression, and there really isn't any stigma in recognising it and getting help - you'd take antibiotics for an infection and this is really no different.

    Feelings of guilt can do such funny things to your psyche, I had postnatal depression and I think it was mostly triggered by guilt as my DD was very poorly at birth and a comment by one of the consultants led me to believe that it was something I had done that had made her ill. These little remarks that other people can forget making can have such a profound effect sometimes. I think it would do you a lot of good to talk to your OH, to explain how conversations and comments and attitudes in your pregnancy are haunting you, you may find it very cathartic. Even just to hear him say that he knows you didn't do this deliberately - and that he isn't 'trapped', he's an ecstatic new dad. Which he will be - my first pregnancy wasn't planned, my DH didn't even want kids before I fell with my DD and we'd been together three months - but he was the happiest proudest new dad in the world, you have given your OH something amazing and magical, please remember that.
  • Just wanted to echo what the other ladies have said. You really were put in a horrible situation, and it's no surprise you are finding it difficult to bond with Grant. It is very brave to talk about how you feel, and that is what will help. Counselling is a good idea, I also think talking to your OH is important. It doesn't have to be a deep and meaningful each time. But if something upsets you, don't keep it bottled up. You're going in the right direction, and you will feel closer to lo, hopefully soon. Take care. xx
  • Oh you poor thing. What a lot to be carrying around with you.

    When I had my first baby I was in a sort of similar position. I had been with my boyfriend since I was 17 and fell preg just short of my 21st Birthday. A stupid cock up (pardon the pun) with birth control. A silly mistake that resulted in an unwanted pregnancy.

    We talked and talked and decided to keep the baby. He proposed to me but I said no but agreed to move in with him. When we told everyone we got mixed responses. My mum had her first at 19 so was very supportive. She pushed for me to get married but I refused. OH family asked why we were keeping the baby????? My paternal grandparents said they refused to accept a 'bastard' child into the family...nice!!!!!!

    To cut a long story short, we had a beautiful little girl in Feb 91. However, I found the first few weeks/months daunting. Like you, I felt like if I showed that I was enjoying the baby it would look like I had 'trapped' OH.Even tho it was me refusing to accept his wedding proposal, i was still the big bad son stealer!

    I had a fab HV and together we got through it. I took Anti D's and saw my DR every week for a 'chat'.

    I never forgave my grandparents for their hurtful comments. Their son (my dad) died in awful circumstances when I was 14, leaving my mum with 3 teenage daughters and a 20 month son (late, shocking addittion to the family) they were unsupportive to her at that time and again came out as unsupportive when we needed them again.

    My and OH are still together (married nearly 18yrs) and have 5 children.

    My advice is dont let others beat you down. Forgot what happened/has been said etc.. take any offers of help and medication if needed and get on with getting over it. You sound like a strong woman who is much better than these people trying to put you down. So what if you did get preg on purpose (not suggesting you did) thats the past. If your OH is happy with things as they are then he should tell his family to back off.

    Take care and remember the one thing you will always have, the unconditional love of your little baby.

    d xx
  • Oh you poor, poor thing. I'd definitely give counselling a try - I had it a couple of years ago when I was going through a bit of a rough time and found it so, so helpful. I really hope you feel better soon xxxx
  • cant add much more than what thr others havr, you are very brave and the fact that u put up this post shows u do care and you are a good mum you just need som well deserved support after what you have been through xx good luck

    oh my ds1 was unplanned too i was 22 and oh was 21 was in the middle of my degree as well as working full time and i too did not feel a big rush of love when he was born i actually felt like it wasn't me who had givrn birth kwim??? after a day the love just started to grow and grow, i didn't suffer from pnd which is prob why i started to bond more quickly but i would say that once you get help the same will happen to you xx
  • Thank you for all your replies. It mkes me feel a bit better knowing that there are others out there who go through the same process, especially DeeDee...you seemed to have went through nearly the exact same thing.

    Im starting to wonder if I need the medication and help, or maybe I just need to hash it all out. Writing this down helped loads, and I always find you girls help me and keep me grounded.

    Im going to put grant to bed tonight, get a glass of wine and have a natter with my OH...hopefully that will be the start of me feeling better.

    Thanks very much for your never ending support ladies xx
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