Guide to parenthood :lol:

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a
mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
bean bag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to
help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary
paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read
it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go a head and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline,
lack of patience,appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have
allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might
improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners
and overall behavior. Enjoy it, it'll be the last time in your life
that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs.
At 10pm, put the bagdown, set the alarm for midnight, and go to
sleep.Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the
bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to
sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up
again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until
4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear ice
cream onto the sofa and strawberry jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish
stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your
fingers in the flower bedsthen rub them on the clean walls. Cover the
stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy a
live octopus and a fishnet bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the
fishnet bag so that noneof the arms hang out. Time allowed for this:
all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only
cellophane tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker.
Last, take a milk container, aping pong ball, and an empty packet of
Cocoa Pops, and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup
committee.

7. Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that. Buy a chocolate popsickle and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a pencil and wedge it firmly in the
cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash
them down into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of
the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go
out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.
Walk down thefront path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk
very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely
every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead
insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as
much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to
try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to be a pre-school child, a fully grown goat is excellent. If
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay
for every thing the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending
to be an airplane. Continue until half of the oatmeal is gone. Tip the
rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam,
and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing
"Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

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