Is our relationship over? sorry its long!


really sorry this is going to be long, i just really need to write down my feelings before i go mad...

as some people may know, my oh and i have had issues since i became pregnant. we havent had sex since jan 2009 which was the month we got our bfp. we decided together not to have sex in the first 3 months of pregnancy (had a mc in 2008 and started bleeding after BD in week 12 of the pregnancy and went on to loose our baby) so after the 3 months scan, we knew baby was fine so i was ready to start BDing again, however oh had other ideas, i tried to make a move in the bedroom many many times, always to be rejected. this carried on until the end of the pregnancy. then our gorgeous son was born, and for the first 2-3 months i wasnt ready for sex (not that oh mentioned it or tried to make a move) lo is now 8 months old and things have still not improved.

every now and then i TRY to talk to oh about this huge issue, but he doesnt show any emotion (never has) and never has anything to say about it, except that he will make an effort. i usually get upset and he apoligises and says he will try harder, but i always know that he wont (as we have had this conversation so many ttimes and nothing ever changes) i have asked is he doesnt fancy me, or love me or just doesnt want sex, and he says he loves me and does want sex, but im mardy? which i agree with to a point, i find it really hard to be nicey nicey when im so frustrated!

so anyway, we had "the conversation" again 3 weeks ago, and i said i just cant deal with it anymore feeling so rejected etc. and i dont want to be in a sexless relationship for the rest of my life. so we decided to try again for the last time, giving it a couple of weeks before considering going to councelling or somthings (oh really isnt keen on going to councilling, i think this is because he finds it hard to open up and talk) so, over those 2 weeks, i made a huge effort not to be mardy and cooked nice meals and just generally were nicer, and he started coming to bed with me (before this he would stay up really late most nights watching tv and not coming to bed until i was asleep) but nothing sexual still happened, i tried to touch him a bit, but just felt arkward and uncomfortable because he didnt seem keen so i stopped. i also explained that i will now find it hard to try to make a move as iv been rejected soooooo many times. so after the 2 weeks i asked him why he hasnt made much effort in the bedroom department, and he just said he doesnt know!!!!!!! i was so mad that he knew this was the last chance and he just "didnt know" i felt like shaking him and saying "whats wrong with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" so i just said im really upset and that if he isnt going to try we may as well split up, and i told him i dont want him to sleep in our bed. we havnt spoke for about 5 days now, well only if we have to, and he is sleeping on the sofa, he wants to come back in our bed but i am so upset i dont want him there! since we havnt been talking, he hasnt made an effort to seem sorry or done anything to make me think he wants us to work! he says he wants us to stay together, but why if he cant have sex with me????? im so confused!

i just dont know what to do anymore, im tired of this unhappyness.

sorry for the really long post.

ashy x

i jus


  • Hi sweetheart I hope writing it all down made you feel a bit better. Is it possible that your OH may be experiencing a bit of madonna syndrome? Where he sees you as his babys mother and not his lover? If sex was associated with the miscarraige of your first baby, ge could now have a negative association and subconciously it's still having an effect?

    Also...and this might seem a bit out there, but have you considered the possibility that he may have post natal depression? Some men do get it and if he's a manly man, he may not want to talk about it an surpress it even more?

    I will add that I too, have a partner who clams up when you try and talk about something to them so I feel your pain.

    I hope you find the answers soon x
  • urgh hun i feel your pain, i worte practically this exact post a couple of months ago, and i was ready to leave my partner as i felt the same, completely rejected and not at all inclined to stay in a sexless relationship.

    we also didn't have sex after i got my BFP as my morning sickness kicked in at 2 weeks and never left so i totally understand how frustrated you are there. i was hoping as soon as i healed after the birth and got used to the sleepless nights we could get some semblance of a sex life back, but he didn't seem to be having any of it and it literally took me jumping him (sorry tmi lol) one night to get us back on track.

    while we're by no means perfect we are alot more like 'us' again now. if you look in my previous topics and find the post 'i wanna go home' the girls who replied were very understanding and had lots of wise words for me.

    good luck hun, and hopefully everything will work out how you want it too xxxx
  • Hi,

    Sorry hun I can't help at all as never been in this situation and don't know anyone else who has but...
    I'm going to be quite hypocritical now because I know if I was in this situation I would be sending out ultimatums myself but from someone who is completely not involved - maybe he genuinely doesn't know why he's like it.

    Please don't get me wrong I'm not defending him or saying you haven't got a point but I know that there have been times when me and OH have gone to bed with the intention of doing something but when it comes to it I really don't want to and I push him away and go to sleep and I can't explain why. I'll admit it's not every time or even regularly but it does happen. Maybe your OH does want to and doesn't know why he can't when it comes down to it and obviously being a man he's not going to tell you this because they don't.

    I don't know if this makes sense and I know it doesn't help but it's just a different slant on things.
  • maybe oh doesnt know why, but i dont know what to do! he wants to come back into our bed, but i think thats just because the sofa isnt very comfy! we are still not speaking.
  • Oh hun. This is so difficult isn't it.

    I'd feel exactly the same as you. There's no way i could be in a sexless relationship becuase for me, it isn't about the sex. Its about the intimacy experienced by you and the person you love.

    Is he ok in every other apect? Caring, loving, good partner (except for the sex)

    I do think you need to give him an ultimatum of some sort but i don't know what? He seems very reluctant to talk about it.

    Sorry hun, not much help.

    Vicky xxxx
  • Thinking of you, hope it gets better for you soon, I know its nice but sex is not everything, you have a nice little family try and hold onto that if nothing else.

  • thanks for your replies,

    rebecca i agree sex isnt everything, but its the intamicy i miss, he isnt affectionate or loving to be honest, he used to be, but when the sex went, so did the affection, he has never been really into kissing, but i like to, if im lucky i get a peck on the lips, but that hasnt happed for...well i cant remember the last time we kissed!

    does anyone else have advice? i need as much as possible please! i did try an ultimatum by saying this was our last chance, but that didnt work. im so unhappy! he just pretends everything is ok, like tries to chat to me about random things but want talk about anything serious!

    ashy x
  • Hello hun, you sound so upset, I wanted to tell you that no, it does not have to be the end of your relationship.

    I went through a similar thing with my hubby after my first son was born (8yrs ago). We did get through it though, and testament to that is that we went on to have 2 more babies!.

    We have talked about it at length since, and he has admitted that the shock of becoming a father and the new feelings of responsibility completely overwhelmed him. Added to this the distressing early weeks with ds1 (severe colic - baby screaming in pain for hours) and lack of sleep (hubby really can't do without his sleep) all built up in him, and he felt he couldn't function. He basically withdrew from us.

    We very very nearly broke up over it - but it wasn't a problem with 'us' it was the severe stress having our baby put on our relationship that was the problem. I would say he adores all his children - he just found the shock of becoming a father the first time overwhelmed him.

    Funnily enough I went off sex after dd3 was born - and it drove dh crazy - he was quite confrontational about it. I must admit, eventually, I just bit the bullet and sorted it out - I think he may have left me otherwise! I remember googling the topic, and reading an 'agony aunt' type reply - saying that if 1 partner doesn't want sex it is a huge problem - because that partner gets their own way, and is happy enough, but the other partner is left dejected. Their advice? Just do it - use it or lose it! So that was what I did.

    Sorry for the waffle at the end there - wishing you the best of luck hon - be patient and try to get to the root of the problem.

    Hope my story is of some help to you.

  • Hi hun..

    This is just an idea but are you sure he is not having erection problems?
    A lot of men go through times in their lives where they suffer from this problem and rather than talk about it and open up they shy away and try and hide the problem.
    If this is the problem maybe that is why he is not being so loving and affectionate as he may worry that this will lead to other things and he cant perform.
    I have no idea if this is the case, but it is one possibility?

    Maz x
  • Hi hun, sorry you are going through such a bad time. Randomly I watched an episode of Oprah Winfrey a while back and it was on the subject of sex after a baby. The therapist said that a lot of men find their libido diminishes when their partner gets pregnant - they might not like what is does to your body, or might scare them that a huge amount of responsibility is about to arrive. Elvis Presley famously never slept with his wife again when she gave birth to his daughter (who was born 9 months to the day after their wedding night). However its not a hopeless case, it may just take time. Maybe you just need to spend some time together and get the intimacy back. Ask a friend to babysit and go out for a meal together, for a night out or for a long walk, anything where its just the 2 of you. Don't push him into why he won't have sex with you, just try and become his fun girlfriend again, don't put any pressure on. then hopefully once you start becoming more friendly, sex will follow. I note that you want to try for a second baby and perhaps he is aware of that and it scares him. I think we all underestimate the effect having a baby has on our partners as we're so focused on what our body has gone through. Sorry this isn't that helpful but don't throw in the towel until he says he doesn't want you anymore.
    Good luck xx
  • thanks ladies

    i dont think he has erection problems, as he has had them (like when he wakes up in the morning)

    i cant get him to talk about it, he clams up and literally wont say a word. then he will make an excuse to do something else.

    do you think i should suggest he goes to relate by himself to deal with the issue to start with? i know relate is expensive though so we probably cant afford it.

    i just dont know what to do, he is still sleeping on the sofa, i just though he would have tried to make it up to me, not buy buying me presents but well i dont know, just doing something.

    i just want to cry
  • Hi hon, me again. Cutie may be right - it could well be something like depression. It may not be about you or sex at all. You sound very very upset (and I'm not at all surprised) but you may need to step back for a little bit to allow him space to sort his head out.

    He needs to acknowledge that he has a problem before you can sort anything out as a couple - I would leave Relate for now, and suggest he goes to see the GP on his own.

    It could be that he can see how upset you are, and knows that he is the cause of this upset, and is just bottling it all up inside. Men aren't very good at talking about their feelings!

    You could try writing a letter? Something basic and gentle - along the lines of 'we can't go on like this....' I wouldn't pour all your own emotions into a letter - but maybe try to acknowledge that you know he has a problem of some kind and you can't be a proper couple again until he seeks some help?

  • tottie,

    yes it may well be depression, but i really cant see him agreeing to going to speak to someone, but it may be worth asking him. i did write a letter a few months ago after we had had another "talk" about it, he read it and apologised etc but that was that didnt work, i was gentle and just explained how happy we used to be and that i would love for us to be like that again, i also said that i dont expect sex all the time, etc....

    i am having a night out with the girls tonight (which i havnt done since before i was preg)and i AM having a few drinks, just hope i dont come home and say somthing silly to him!

    ashy x
  • Hun, I expect a night out with the girls is just what you need! In fact arrange a few more - it can only be a good thing if he sees you are getting your old life back a bit!

    Dress up fabulously and parade in front of him! Tell him not to wait up lol!!

    Have a great time!
  • No advice as have not been in a similar situation but big hugs, I couldnt be in a sexless relationship either, I know women who've had this problem with their other half after birth.

    For us, we have had every single problem in the book in our relationship (and actually split for 4 months) EXCEPT sex issues... And I must admit a lot of our problems have come from our own, seperate, mental health issues...Which I'm wondering if this is the case for your other half?

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