so upset (g'parents and childcare)

This may be long...

My Mum and Dad have been fantastic ever since lo was born and they have had her two days a week since she was 9 months old (she is now nearly 13 months) so I can go to work.
It is 8.45-5.15 and I go to their house for lunch and watch her for the hour.

While they are retired, they both have small jobs (mum from home) and dad out a couple of days.

I am very very close to them.

Anyway, a few times since they've had her for the 2 days, we have had petty little rows about how i don't feel like i see them much anymore as they are always so busy when they haven't got her.

To be fair, if I have a hair/dentist/doctors appointment or sometimes just to pop to the supermarket they have her and its been fab, however, I am starting to feel guilty as my mum keeps saying how she gives up her time for me and is losing out on her business for it and so on..
I have said in the past that i will consider putting her into nursery but they have always said no.

Yesterday, the weather was nice and I went over to theirs (hubbie works every other weekend so i do get lonely).
lo and I played in the garden and then we went in the lounge and played with Mum & Dad. Dad was watching the sport and Mum had been working but came in.
We had a lovely time.

Then I went round thismorning, Dad was out and Mum told me how I had ruined dad's saturday afternoon and she hadn't got any work done.

I just burst into tears and said how i don't feel like I see them anymore and i feel like I'm not their daughter anymore.

Mum said, you chose to have a family and you have to deal with it, Dad and I have busy lives and our week has to stop for 2 days while we have little one and so we have to have time the rest of the week.
I couldn't believe it. She was nice about it and saked if I understood and i do to a certain degree but like i said, what about quality time with ME??

Anyway, i left crying and then Dad came over to try and explain how they adore lo and don't want to stop having her but their life has changed significantly since she came along and they do need to get on with their lives as much as they can and so i can't just 'pop' over all the time like i used to..

i am absolutely GUTTED.

The short of it is I am seriously considering putting lo into nursery for a day or two now. Should I?

I always said I wouldn't and have been so lucky not to have had to.

I am sooo worried about her going as she is so clingy to me and shy around others.

Giving up work is not an option as we just can't afford it.

Please help.

What do I do?


[Modified by: marathon bar on 23 August 2009 15:40:51 ]


  • I would have been pretty upset too if this was my parents, i find it quite rude that your mum said our lives have to stop becos we have to have your lo 2days a week i would put her in a nursury for 2 reasons 1 she will eventually become a littl emore independant once she sttles into the nursury and 2 your parents can get on with there lives to do what they have to do seems as tho they have such busy lives (it sounds to me that they mite love ur little one to bits but finds she gets in the way of what wud normally do during the week if she wasnt there) sorry if it sounds quite horrible im sorry if it does but thats how i wud percieve it but it wud work all round if she went in a nursury then ur parents mite find time themselves to cum c u and mite realise that u have a busty life too xxx
  • Oh I can understand why you're upset - I hope you Mum didn't mean to be so harsh.
    What are your reservations about sending your little girl to nursery? If it is her confidence, I think nursery would probably improve this as she'd be mixing with more people regularly. She's that little bit older and more independent now than when you first went to work, which personally I'd have felt a bit happier about if it was my LO - she's walking now isn;t she, so she can wander about a bit if she wants to etc.
    My mum had my LO when I went back to work, but initially I only wanted her to have him one day because I do sort of think the grandparents have doen their bit raising their own children and don't expect to have to commit to it again when their children have grown up and left home (sorry if that sounds harsh, it's not meant to, it's just really what I thought about mine and my mum's situation) - I think that's sort of what your mum is saying, even though it really doesn't sound like you are taking advantage at all, they've agreed to it haven't they, and talked you out of nursery. In understand you wanting her to be with people who love her, but it sounds like your relationship with your parents would be better if they didn't have her for the two days - and that in turn would be good for the little one wouldn't it? You don't want her to ever feel that they resent giving up their time to have her. If I were you I think I would start looking at nurserys - you could always say to your parents that you think it's time for her to be mixing with other kids etc
  • I can understand why your upset hun, but i can see your mum and dads point.

    I dont think they want you to put lo in a nursery at all, they just want some free time together as a couple like anyone would. As youve already said, they have her twice a week and will have her at short notice if you have appointments etc, like anyone i expect they where looking forward to some time alone as theyve grown older.

    I know its hard but you are a family now, quality time with your parents kind of changes once that happens, i can see why they need there free time to catch up during the week and relax together on the weekend.

    Its hard and it sucks, but if your lonely of a weekend when oh is at work, maybe you could go to the park etc, have some one on one time with your little girl, believe me i know how lonely it can be, oh is in the forces and away alot, ive found the busier i keep myself the better xxxx
  • Thanks everyone and no, none of you are being harsh, I appreciate you points of view.
    Woomummy, I do have loads of quality time with lo, hubbie leaves as she's waking up in the morning and is home just before bed at night and i have her all to myself weds, thurs, fri, sat and sun. He only ever gets time off every other weekend! i miss him.
    I do have friends with babies but their husbadnds are around on weekends so its just then that i sometimes need company.
    The thing is, they DON'T spend any time together (my Mum and Dad)! They have been married 32 years and are hardly ever in the same room!
    The weird thing is, I have become very good friends with my new boss and if I do spend time with her my mum says how she misses me!

    i can't win!

    My reservations about nursery are just that i don't want to leave her in a strange place so young and am really worried because she can't talk yet and let anyone know if there is something wrong. Also I know that they get quite ill when they start with all the germs around, is that true?
    I know she will have to go at some point though....
  • Hey, i can understand why you are upset i would be, i love just popping in to c my dad.
    My 1st lo went to nursary from 7 months for 3 afternoons a week and it was the best thing we did he came on leaps and bounds and became so confident, he loved it!! xx
  • Hello,

    I think your parents were totally out of order to say that to you, afterall they've agreed to have your lo 2 days a week. It's not as if your forcing them to have her, they've agreed to it. (I can totally understand the bit about them sitting in different rooms, as it is exactly like my parents)

    I think nursery would be a good idea, they will appreciate the time they spend with your lo and of course the times when they see YOU.

    My lo (9 months old) just started nursery last week, he goes every Tues morn (so I can have some me time) and then come October when I return to work he'll go one whole day and 3 mornings a week.
    My lo is very demanding and clingy, and my mum has offered to have him when I return to work. But I think a nursery environment is healthy for a child, he'll just have to learn patience and I'm sure once he's walking he'll love playing with the others. He has come down with a cold this week, the first time he's been ill ever, and I'm sure that's because of nursery but he'd only get colds once he started school anyway, so It's just building up his immune system now.

    Ultimatley it's your choice, but don't feel guilty about putting your child in a nursery, as long as you find a good one that your happy with. It's only for two days a week, and she will have her mummy for five days.

  • well hun i would put lo in nursery 1 day a week and see how your parents are then just having her one day ,i know u say they love having her and u love them having her but this is one reason i will not rely on any of our parents because i do not want to feel in debt to them or like were holding them back from something they want to do ...sophia is starting nursery next week just one day a week ,she will be 7 months ,i know its young but i dont have a choice we dont have anyone we would want to look after them every week ....have a look at some nursery's and see how u feel then xxxx
  • Correct me if I am wrong, but the way I read it is that your parents don't complain about having your lo for 2 days, because they love her to bits. But they do complain because you went over for the two days of the weekend?

    If that is the case I could completely understand their point. Even if they do not want to spend their time together, they probably have other plans. Plans that do change when someone is around. Maybe they feel less annoyed or irritated when you come over on say the friday. (and they do not have lo and you in the house for 4 days in a row) Before I had children and I had a friend over with 2 children I was knackered by the end of the day and your parents probably feel the same thing after playing the day with your lo.

    I do know how it is to feel lonely. I moved from Holland to England and to be honest have not much friends here. Oh is working a lot of the time and is away a lot, I do get bored and lonely. Unfortunately I can not pop over to my parents and even oh parents (they still work and if not at work they are busy with redecorating, shopping, having lunch somewhere) I would not expect them to be home all the time and be ready to have me over. I try to go out on the days I feel lonely, try to go to the shops or something. And if I know I will get lonely on certain days I will try to book something in for that day.

    Like someone said before, they have done their part of raising you, they did not really sign up for the next generation. Now your parents actually are looking after your lo and are spending time with her. It is just that they do feel like it is to much sometimes. The fact that your dad came over to explain it a bit more, shows that they do care for you and they do love you and your lo, they just also need time to have their own lives.

    If you want to spend more time with your parents, putting your lo in nursery does not garentee that they will spend more time with you. Maybe they just like their weekends to be for themselves, or maybe even part of the weekend. Sit down with them and asked them what they would like, if they just want certain days to be left alone or if they just don't want company at all. If they would feel better if you put lo in nursery for a day and being able to come around for the weekend.
  • I would be really upset too!! It's not like you drop her off to them every night to go clubbing!

    Mil's only 46 and she has her own life and has lo a LOT, I feel very guilty about this but she's never commented thankfully...but I could understand if she did as she has lo lots.

    But to say you ruined your dad's sat afternoon just because you came over with lo (it's not like you made him change any nappies is it?! You weren't making them look after her!) is rude!

    You did choose to have a family, but so did your parents....and being a parent never ends!!

    Personally I would put her in nursery...She'll be fine hun, it's normal to worry though...I've considered putting lo in nursery while I'm in work to give mil a break and to socialise him a bit but my working hours aren't regular!!

  • Breighlin, before lo was born, I would be over there ALL the time and they loved it, or they were over with me!
    We live within walking distance. So its not that they don't want to be with me... it's hard to explain..

    My problem is as chuffedbaby says, I am starting to feel in debt to them and it's not good.

    Thank you for all your views and yes, I think you are right, I will go and look at some nursery's so that i can at least be armed with that should the need arise.
    My siser gave me some good advice earlier (she comes down on a sunday as she lives an hour or so away and we all go over to mums!), she said literally drop lo off on a mon & tues, pick her up, don't hang around and just don't go around AT ALL apart from that - she doesn't see them apart from Sunday's so she's sure I can cope (!) and she is sure in a few weeks my Mum will be upset and miss me.

    The maddest thing is that when me and Mum moan about my hubbie or dad (as women do) mum always says how she wishes we could move in together and forget the men, just her, me and lo. We have always been Sooooo close and I am just missing that now...
    I don't understand.
    I know its important for lo to be happy and I guess as they love having her on those two days and she loves it too, I just have to sacrifice my relationship with them for that until lo goes to nursery anyway (I was planning on in at about 18 months anyway).
    I'm sure it can only make me stronger (I am a bit of a mummy's girl)!

  • oh hun...didn't want to r&r....i would be gutted too...we are very close too....i am sure they didnt mean to upset you but i think i would look at nurseries and speak to them first to discuss it once you have found one...they may feel as tho they are being punished so i would go easy
    completely know how you feel tho hun xxxxx
  • Only you can decide what's the right thing to do for your family. From what you're saying about your mum usually do you think you just got her on a bad day this weekend, when she;s just particularly tired or something? Your sister knows her better then we do, and she doesn't seem to think she really meant it.

    I don't think your parents have done their bit and shouldn't have ot do any more, just that that's how some might feel, and some peopke take their parents for granted, but I don't think you are - YMGM is right though, being a parent never ends!

    Like you say, there's no harm in looking into nurserys, especially if you plan to send her in a few months anyway, and play it by ear for a while with your parents x
  • Thank
    (and no, you're right, I don't take them for granted AT ALL - I even told my Dad last week how grateful i am for everything they do!)

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