I know there are worse things but pls help (not baby related

Hi Everyone,

I know there are people going through a hell of a lot more and i feel really stupid for posting this but its eating me up inside. Anyway i'll have to give you a bit of history for you to see why it upsets me so much.

Hubby and i have been together for 5years married 1, in this time i have lost most of my friends hence this post, i lost them when and i'm still not sure on the facts i found texts on his phone from my best mate offering him sex no strings attatched if he met up with her that night i went now it went something like this she said he text her first he said she text first anyway i had it all out with him and we split and i went out had my own life for a while anyway when i got back together with him my friends didnt agree so now do't speak to me. then when he went out once two girls gave him there numbers nothing happened but he still took them whilst with me. Anyway it took us a long time to work through things and get the relationship that we have now.

when i was pregnant he didnt particlarly like the bump as the moving scared him a lot so sex went down to ear enough nothing anyway now shes here, bump is gone and things are still the same he would rather look at porn and wank than be with me even if i wear sexy underwear offer it up on a plate he would still rather do it himself.

i've never been to confident and this is getting me so down, i'm crying writting this as i feel we are going to drift apart because of this, he's always had a secrative side that i'll never know and i accpet that but he wo't talk to me about this or anything in particular. I do feel that i'm a good mum to my daughter and everyone comments at how well i'm doing and that i do lots of different things with her to help her develop, i cook/bake, clean the house etc so i think i'm doing a good job i them things but i'm failing in being a wife and i'm so upset why does he do this instead of being with me. I love him to bits but i'm not stupid and i feel if something doesnt change soon i'll be going to my mums for a week for some space, its a stupid thing i know but being intimate is a massive part of anyones relationship isnt it he dosent hug or kiss me anymore either. sorry its long and i know people are going throuh a lot worse but i don't know what to do xxxx


  • Firstly, no you are not failing in being a wife. There are no written rules as to what a "good" wife is and it'll be different for everyone. Without wanting to sound too harsh though, have you considered that your husband may be failing in his role as a husband? It sounds very one sided, like your trying really hard in all aspects but he isnt, without knowing either him or you I would say you deserve better. I have some friends in relationships that are struggling at the moment and I really respect that they are trying to work through their problems but I also feel that there comes a point when you have to except that things arent going to work, especially where one partner is putting in all the effort.

    Secondly, your friends should be supporting you, even if they are uncertain of your husband, it is you that they are friends with not him. They need a great big kick up the arse!

    I really hope that things work out but dont let yourself be the one that does all the running, maybe try playing hard to get and see if that gets him interested!!

  • aww hun... does he have a reason why he doesent want sex anymore? have you brought the subject up? sounds like you have been through a lo with him. and like the other girls say it seems one sided,.. sorry cant be much help hun,but i would say talk to him wheather he wants to or not, things need to be said othewise you both cant really move forward.... xxxxx
  • I really feel for you...its a horrible feeling. My oh was doing the same for a about a year before i had my lo. He would come to bed really late and the next day i would find porn on the computer or that he had been ringing sex lines. I got really upset and i did confront him crying on a number of occasions to say how hurtful it was and i point blank asked why he didnt want sex with me. He was quite honest i think and said that he was being lazy and couldnt be bothered to do the whole sex thing. Things changed slowly and now we kinds have a balance. We have sex together (not loads as i dont always feel like it) and sometimes i no he still does it himeself. If i make it clear i want sex then he wouldnt turn me down and do it himself when i went to sleep like before.
    Thats probably tmi for you!! But i also felt exactly the same and felt sure we would split or he would have an affair. So, if i were in your position i would say to him that you find it hurtful when you are rejected, is there anything wrong and is he happy? I know the answers may be scary but you need to know because its sooo stressful and upsetting not knowing the truth and being left to imagine all sorts. Slowly things will get back to normal and i think these guys get stuck in a rutt of having a quick 'fix' rather than making the effort with their partners. i hope you manage to speak to him soon....you deserve to have an explanation xxx
  • i dont have advice hun cos i dont know all the ins and outs but it sounds to me like your putting a lot of effort in and he's not doing much at all.
    hope you can sort it out.
  • I have tried talking to him, i even wrote a letter last night and told him how i feel and he said nothing he finished work early today and suprised me by taking me & Evie out which i thought would be really nice but he's just been a sarcastic sod all day, he's now gone in the bath and has yet to spend five mins entertaining our daughter. i'm sure he loves us but it just doesnt feel like that at the min, sorry feeling a bit don still xxxx
  • Im sorry but have only read your original post and not the replies.
    My reply my be blunt as well but I dont mean to upset you by what I say.

    Relationships should be based on a simple thing called RESPECT. OH obviously has no respect for you and what you need. And from experience I know that if this continues, that the respect that you have for youself will eventually begin to drop. Please dont let this happen. Start by trying to talk things through, especially the ways in which trust has become an issue. Hope this can be sorted and all of you can find a place where you are happy and content.

  • Hi
    i could start by saying that i'm in no position to offer advice - but that's what you posted for! lol! So whether you listen to me, value my opinion, or not is completely your choice, but i have very few friends so i'm used to online chatter as my way of offloading so i kinda get how you feel, and as we all know - you already know what you want to do - you just need someone else to say it!

    From your first post it sounds like you picked the wrong man - but that's your choice and you made the decision to have a family with him, despite his flaws and you worked things out which is fantastic - but you obviously haven't buried those things yet as they immediately crop up when he's being distant, he obviously did take heed of your chat yesterday as he acted on it - though he was a man about it and daren't say that he loves you and did it for your benefit, he was sarcastic and probably worse than ever! But believe it or not it's a good step!

    My oh is quite hard to talk to and i have found talking about our relationship in front of others in a jokey (though i'm dead serious really) manner seems to get his attention well.

    Sex is a big thing in a relationship, but so is support, and i think that maybe you need more than you've got. How old is your lo? There must be baby groups near you to go to? They really do help. If nothing else it's coffee and a chat with someone about inane rubbish, it still helps you relax. Until you are calm and can look at this rationally i don't think you should make any decisions....

    So after my long piece, the short version is, if talking to him is a no go - find someone else to talk to. I think you need support and you ARE a good mother and you need to see that you ARE also a good wife and more than that you ARE entitled to feel crap about not feeling loved enough. Once you feel strong enough, then try to save the relationship - but PLEASE help yourself first or you'll end up in a terrible state.

    Hope it helps!! xxx
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