Memories

MrsRammy2B · Nov 3, 2009 10:32AM

I know there isn't much anyone can say to this I just needed to get it off my chest.

On Dec 2nd last year I had a still born baby. A little girl who we called Ruby. I went for a scan because I hadn't felt her move for a day or so, the midwife assured me it was probably nothing as the placenta wasn't in the normal place which could stop me feeling kicks. I had to go on my own as my husband was in a meeting and no one could get hold of him to get him out. As soon as she put the ultra sound up to my tummy I knew she had died, normally as soon as they did that I could see a heartbeat and her moving around, not this time, she was still and no heartbeat. But she looked so perfect, she looked like she was sucking her thumb when she died. The lady doing the scan went to get the doctor and I just lay there, I didn't cry, I just looked at my tummy. The doctor came in and confirmed my baby had died about a day ago. I still didn't cry. They took me into a room and got me a cup of tea and they explained to me what they would do next which was induce me in a couple of day if natural labour didn't start in that time. I still didn't cry, I just couldn't, I felt like I was watching someone else going through it, not me. I text my husband and said when he got our of his meeting I needed him to come home as I wasn't feeling very well, he worked an hour away and I didn't want him driving that far knowing what had happened. I got home from the hospital and stared at our Christmas tree which we had only put up the day before and imagined how life was going to be now we weren't having a baby, that was when I started crying.

My husband got home and I had to break that bad news to him, he just stared at me and didn't say anything he then wrapped his arms around me and we both sat and cried till it was late that night, the phone rang a few times and we just ignored it. My husband text everyone to tell them to news, we couldn't face speaking to anyone. Labour didn't start naturally so I went back in to be induced. When she came out we held her and she was so perfect, she looked just like my husband. She looked like she was just sleeping. Then we had to hand her to the doctor, he took her away so they could do some tests to find out what had happened. We then had to go home, I have never felt so empty. I got into bed and just cuddled one of the baby grows we had bought for her and cried, I didn't move for days. My husband took me away that weekend and all we did was sit in our room and cry, but I think it helped and I came home feeling a bit better about it. That next week we bought an angel christmas tree decoration which was her and went to the church and lit a candle for her on Christmas eve. Christmas was a pretty nothing occassion, I didn't want to celebrate. We got her ashes in January and scattered them in our garden and planted a rose bush for her (the rose is called Ruby red).

I am now pregnant again and all I can think about is that I don't want to forget her and I feel like everyone has. And also I am so scared that the same will happen again so I am not enjoying my pregnancy at all, I just want it to be over so it is dragging. I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I don't want to drag it all back up again and I don't want anyone to think I'm no happy about this baby.

As I say I know there's nothing anyone can say, I just needed to get it out as I don't feel I can talk about it. xxxxxxxxxxxx

engaged2010 · Sep 21, 2009 10:36AM

I honestly didnt want to read & run hun but your post really moved me....I cant begin to imagine what you are going through but try not to stress about this pregnancy too much.
Your little angel will be watching over you & I am wishing you a healthy & happy pregnancy x

mrsa111 · Sep 21, 2009 2:57PM

Just wanted to say that i am feeling for you. Such a moving story.
I hope and pray that you can enjoy this prenancy and i am sure no one expects you to forget your angel....she will be watching over you.

Take care
MJx

karen130770 · Sep 23, 2009 7:22AM

Honey, you have been through such a hard time, your post made me cry so much, feeling your pain.

I lost my daughter nearly 5 years ago now, although she died at 16 from a life long terminal illness and wasn't a baby (although she was my baby). I truly know your pain and no one can ever take that away, but it does ease a little over time. It becomes less all enveloping and a little easier to bear day to day.

I know how you feel about thinking people will forget your precious Ruby, but make sure her name is always spoken outloud, and that you, her family always remember her and recognise her as being your firstborn and other people will remember her with you.

Your pregnancy's going to be hard because of course you won't be able to relax, but still births are extremely rare and it would be extremely unlikely to happen again.

Not sure if you've found teh bereavement forum yet, but there are a few ladies over there who have had very similar experiences to you.

Big hugs to you.xx

betts · Sep 23, 2009 9:01AM

hi ive just read ur post and it has brought back so many memories of my first pregnancy. on friday it will be ten years since i gave birth to my beautiful baby girl who was stillborn, will never forget that empty feeling of losing my little girl. since then i have had two healthy boys and im now 26 weeks pregnant. both pregnancys went well even though i was worried. i know there is not much i can say to reassure you just wanted to send you my best wishes and hope that ur pregnancy goes well x

charlis_angel · Sep 23, 2009 9:36AM

Hi just wanted to tell u i know exactly how u feel my baby boy died during labour 5 weeks ago, i went into labour and didnt dilate he got into ditress very quiclky and i had to be put to sleep and when i woke my husband had to tell me our baby had died, he then had to tell our 2 other boys that he had died, i've cried and cried and i'm still crying, i sleep with charlies blanket and baby grow that we dressed him in, and i have a candle lit for him all day next to his photo and foot prints ,
i long to have my baby boy every day and will try for another as soon as we can i'm so sorry for you lets hope that both are babies are togehter watching over us take care xxx

CeilidhA · Sep 23, 2009 1:35PM

So sorry to hear about your baby girl, Ruby. We lost our daughter, Darcey at 38 weeks in february, so I can relate to how you feel. I can't imagine how hard it must of been for you to find out she had gonne, while you were alone. Talking about Darcey and what happened really helps me, I like people to know she existed and that she meant the world to me. So I imagine talking about Ruby may help you too. There is a bereavment forum and quite a few of us 'angel' mummys have posted the 'stories' of our babies there, maybe you would like to do that.

Congratulations on your new pregnancy, I hope everything goes well. I'm sure it will. We are ttc at the moment so hopefully it wount be to long before we are pregnant again. I'm sure the hospital will do everything they possibly can to make sure that your 'new' baby arrives safely. Take care, big kisses being sent to wee Ruby, she will be happy, playing with all the other angels and watching over you and baby xxx

MrsRammy2B · Sep 23, 2009 1:57PM

Charli's angel, I don't know what to say!! Although what I went for was horrendous, I went into hospital knowing what was going to happen and that we weren't coming home with a baby. My email button is active so please email my anytime and if there's anything I can do please let me know. You are being so brave and nothing in the world can prepare you for what you have been through. xxxxx

Dotty_Jackie · Nov 3, 2009 10:32AM

I know exactly what you're going through, I lost my son Ewan at 27 weeks on Sep 19th (6 weeks ago). I was the same as you, didn't feel any movement so I went to the midwife and then the hospital where they told me he had died. It wasn't easy coming out of the scan room to see all the pregnant women sat there. I took a tablet that evening to induce the pregnancy and went back 2 days later for them to start it properly. It's such a traumatic thing to go through, but it hasn't stopped us from wanting to try again.

I'm happy that you're expecting again, it gives the rest of us hope xx

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