My first post

Hi everyone, I haven't posted on here before, but I used this sight alot when I was pregnant for information etc. I am no longer pregnant, I had a still birth at 24 weeks in December and I am really struggling to come to terms with it still.

The pregnancy was a complete shock as we were due to be getting married this June, but we embraced it and put the wedding back to 2010. I had a very difficult pregnancy from day one, lots of sickness and bleeding all the way through, then at the 20 week scan we found out we were having a little girl, we were over the moon, although the hospital told us she was a bit small, but they weren't too worried and would scan again in 4 weeks. I went for a scan 3 weeks later cos we had booked a 4d scan and it was fine, but then at the check up scan they couldn't find a heartbeat, I was alone at the hospital as my fiance was really busy at work and we had been told it was just a check up. The midwife drove me back from the hospital and called Steve. He came home and he was devastated, I will never forget the look on his face when he walked through the door.

I had to go back to the hospital 2 days later to deliver my baby girl, it was the hardest thing I have ever done, she was so perfect and so pretty and had Steves top lip. They ran some tests and foundshe had a major heart defect and is she had have lived she would have had a very poor quality of life. So after a couple of weeks we decided to bring the wedding back to June and throw ourselves into the planning of that, which we did and we coped so amazingly well I couldn't believe it. We had a lovely xmas and new year. It was only when life returned to normal after xmas that it all hit me. I had a couple of really bad weeks where I did nothing but cry. I then seemed to pull myself out of it. But this week my friend has just had a baby and I am really struggling again. I can't seem to get excited about the wedding in a few months cos all I want to do is try for another baby. We do plan to as soon as we are married, but it seems like forever away. And also to make matters worse my sister in law is pregnant and I am trying so hard to be happy for her, but it's so hard.

I know it sounds silly, but I feel like I am going to lose Steve, this is the 3rd baby I have lost, when I was pregnant he had always had a look in his eye like he was so proud and would do anything for me, but I don't feel like I've seen that look since.

I've never been more desperate for anytihng as I am for a baby, but I don't think h2b understands.

I'm sorry this is so long, just needed to get it off my chest I suppose. xx