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Falling apart - bit of a ramble really!
I am really struggling today and have been on the edge or in tears all day. I'd been feeling really down anyway and have just heard my friend is in labour now. It's hit me really hard, obviously I'm really happy for her and hope all is ok but I'm just gutted. At this point I should either be nursing my baby Angel or 16 weeks pregnant and know I'd get through the joys of her newborn as I was almost halfway there myself.... Now though I'm just empty and crushed :,(????
I want another baby and I've now lost 2 (I know under completely different circumstances and both come with very different emotions) but i am so scared of what the future holds for me. obviously I still want to have more children and I'm desperate to get there but frustrated it will be months regardless of when I get my bfp and even then I'm not guaranteed a happy ending, and I'm losing any bit of positive thinking I had very quickly. My husband is not coping at all, he's actually 'sent' me to my family as cant cope with me around and getting angry at me for being upset( which i've hardly let on about) this time, snapping at me constantly and angry that I still want to try when our son should be enough! I love my son ????with all my heart, I miss Angel and the one I've lost so much but I can't help it, I still want more than one child here with me and if zachariah is all I'm blessed with on earth, so be it, he's my world, but why do I have to give up- I really want him to have siblings.
I'm just all over the place. I'm trying to put on a brave face but I'm tired and I feel like noone can be bothered with listening to me because they've been there before so to speak and as I've tried being normal about it this time they are happy to believe I'm ok, but I'm not, I'm crushed, I feel so miserable and alone and so damn angry..........
Sorry not really sure of the relevance of this post I just needed to let it out , thanks
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I want another baby and I've now lost 2 (I know under completely different circumstances and both come with very different emotions) but i am so scared of what the future holds for me. obviously I still want to have more children and I'm desperate to get there but frustrated it will be months regardless of when I get my bfp and even then I'm not guaranteed a happy ending, and I'm losing any bit of positive thinking I had very quickly. My husband is not coping at all, he's actually 'sent' me to my family as cant cope with me around and getting angry at me for being upset( which i've hardly let on about) this time, snapping at me constantly and angry that I still want to try when our son should be enough! I love my son ????with all my heart, I miss Angel and the one I've lost so much but I can't help it, I still want more than one child here with me and if zachariah is all I'm blessed with on earth, so be it, he's my world, but why do I have to give up- I really want him to have siblings.
I'm just all over the place. I'm trying to put on a brave face but I'm tired and I feel like noone can be bothered with listening to me because they've been there before so to speak and as I've tried being normal about it this time they are happy to believe I'm ok, but I'm not, I'm crushed, I feel so miserable and alone and so damn angry..........
Sorry not really sure of the relevance of this post I just needed to let it out , thanks
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Replies
I'm sorry your finding things so hard. I had a bad day myself yesterday too & can understand. I think the feeling or desperately wanting a child is all to do with our hornmones.....thats why our other halfs don't seem to feel the same. You can talk on here any time you need to.
I think your really brave. Sadly losing Angel & then get your hopes up again to have them dashed must be like going through the pain all over again. I know I've said it before but going to SANDs was a real help to me. I felt so alone & suddenly there was a room full of people who totally knew how I felt. If you don't feel up to a support group they have a help line & one to one befrienders......they just want to help since they have been in our shoes too.
I'm think I could do with someone to sound off to as well. I have to deal with tenants & one has just had triplets. It reminds me so much of my quad pregnancy & question why I lost mine...it was only one more! So I will be back on here tonight to see how your day has been & hopely not be in tears agin after mine. XXXX
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Well I'm not doing much better really, I thought i had been but I'm just a time bomb atm. Like you said losing this second one has brought on new grief but it has brought all the pain of Angel crashing back to the surface as well so I'm grieving both at the same time and confusing myself with all the different emotions going around my head.????
People seem to think I should be over it but they don't get that it's only a week since the induced mc and a month since Angel's edd, I'm still bleeding and I'm grieving for 2 at once. I might have a look at sands but I don't know if it will help at the moment as I'm such a mess and so confused by my own emotions.
How are you feeling? hearing about the triplets must have been very hard? I really hope you've had a better day. my friend had her baby girl (I knew it would be a girl) and I'm struggling with that too, I feel like a crazy woman, half of me is petrified of seeing her and bawling my eyes out and the other half of me is yearning to hold her baby and just for a minute believe I have my angel (is that crazy?), then bawling my eyes out :,( I'm really not coping, I had refused counselling this time but I think I may have to take it up because my head is a complete mess and the fact I'm admitting it, I guess I know I need help! Maybe I'll try over the phone.
Are you ttc again? I'm pretty sure I'm right in thinking you'd gone through ivf so know it's not such an immediate start, but have you been looking into starting again? I can't imagine all that extra pain of going through ivf and then losing a child, let alone 4, you are an incedibly strong woman and i pray you get through to a happy ending very soon. We were naturally ttc and it did take a long time before although I guess I was extra fertile after Angel, if I took my heart's way I would be ttc again immediately but my head knows that I can't go through this again so quickly, I'm just petrified of something going wrong and if god forbid it did I think I would lose the plot completely happening in quick succession, but I've no idea how I'll be able to ignore my body telling me when I 'could' make a baby. It is all just so complicated and heartbreaking .......As you know. ???? ????????
[Modified by: waiting4baby on February 12, 2010 11:13 PM]
I'm a bit brighter. I changed my thinking about the triplets...fate has sent this person to me & not someone else in my team....becuaes I will understand how she's thinking I suppose. So I'm going to throw myself in to making sure she's ok. Like you with your friends baby, going to the tripets home might be hard...we won't know until I'm there!
We are going to start IVF again around May. I'm not worried about the treatment itself but If I get my hopes up & have them dashed it will be hard to cope.
Your idea of talking to someone on the phone sounds good. If you're not up to it you can always hang up? The counselling might be ok? I went twice & it sort of helped. The secret would be finding someone your relaxed enough to talk to.
Heres a Hug for Saturday x
I'm sorry to intrude on your conversation with wooly but just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking about you, ever since reading your sad news on the ttc/pregnancy after bereavement forum.
What you are feeling is totally normal. I know exactly what you mean about people not wanting to listen (other than those who sadly from own experience understand) and how difficult it is to be around pregnant friends and newborn babies. I feel like I am the only person that can't get pregnant, it feels like everyone around me is, and I am jealous, so badly jealous that they can have a normal and worry free pregnancy. I want to be pleased for my friends but it is just so hard.
I am currently trying to get counselling. It was not offered to be after Grace's death and I think that had I been offered it then I would not have felt I needed it, but now, almost 8 months on, I feel I do. Although the days get easier, in some ways I feel the hard days are more difficult to cope with. Everyone thinks we should be back to normal, but they don't understand that our old normal no longer exists. I can only imagine how you must be feeling at the moment. I know that I am so desperate to become pregnant and that although I know if it were to happen I have no guarentee of a healthy live baby, if I lost another pregnancy I would be devastated. I feel like you are having to go back to the beginning of your grief, but now dealing with double emotions. Maybe counselling would be useful to you.
Anyway, sorry for rambling but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.
Take care.
George, x
I've only just read your post, I've been away since last Wednesday so I haven't really had a chance to get online properly until today.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, I hope you are feeling better now as I know your original post was 5 days ago. Your huband obviously isn't dealing very well with his emotions at the moment, but it's not fair for him to be sending you off to family, you need each other at a time like this. I can't stay on for long but i just wanted to say hi and check that you are feeling better. Sending you a big ((((hug)))) xxx
Good luck with your next round of ivf wooly I have everything crossed for you. George, have you looked into conselling now, I hope you find it helps and I really hope you get your bfp soon and dotty I hope you had a good break and the pregnancy is going well for you- I'd imagine you had fears after the mc and wish I could be as positive as you for myself.????
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I've yet to see my friend and I am fearful of it all, I don't want to break down in front of her, I am really wanting to hold her baby, I've managed to sort out her gift and not get upset,( thankfully I'd bought it in advance and I hadn't done a duplicate for myself so won't need to see something that I'd wanted for Angel aswell). I just want to see her and get over the initial heartbreak- I know it won't be easy but I want to get it over with and then concentrate on myself, hubby and zachariah for a while
how are you doing? Have you seen the triplets yet? Hope all is going well with you x