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Help me convince my MIL...
..that breastfeeding is normal/ok!
Before I commence my big rant, I have to say that I get on ok with her and she is generally a nice, generous person so I feel really bad grumbling. Also she has no experience of BFing and it was genuinely not someting she had the option of doing.
Since before our wee boy was born she has been questioning the idea, wondering how we will tell how much milk he has taken etc.
She is always asking us if it is normal for him to feed so often, and telling us about friend's daughters who were advised to top up with formula till their milk came in etc.
We have told her every time that we are quite happy with how things are going, he is quite healthy and has put on loads of weight every week, so is clearly not going hungry. Yes it is hard work and time consuming feeding him on demand, but he is only 5 weeks old!
It has kind of been the final straw for me that she turned up last time with a copy of Clare Byam-Cook's book that someone had lent her, with the section on demand feeding marked (apparently by it's owner). I was already aware of some of the authors opinions, and having read most of the book I haven't really been impressed so far. I don't really want to give him a bottle while I pump all the milk to 'empty' my breasts and check supply, or try to force him into feeding when I want him to feed. Hopefully he will settle down eventually, but I am in no rush right now.
Anyway I am trying to think of a tactful way to nip this 'advice' in the bud before it drives me nuts. She is also always moaning about the current guidelines on weaning and how it wasn't like that before, I am convinced she will soon be making him sandwiches.![:\](https://forum.madeformums.com/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
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My H is good at trying to explain to her as well, but we are both frustrated that she doesn't really listen. She is still asking what time he gets his last feed, or talking about timings when we have explained that isn't what is happening.
It probably feels worse to me, because my own mum is the complete opposite and is very supportive. When she breast fed me in the 70s, everyone thought she was daft, because I suppose it wasn't the 'fashion' then.
Any tips for subtleness welcome!
Thanks,
thistle
Before I commence my big rant, I have to say that I get on ok with her and she is generally a nice, generous person so I feel really bad grumbling. Also she has no experience of BFing and it was genuinely not someting she had the option of doing.
Since before our wee boy was born she has been questioning the idea, wondering how we will tell how much milk he has taken etc.
She is always asking us if it is normal for him to feed so often, and telling us about friend's daughters who were advised to top up with formula till their milk came in etc.
We have told her every time that we are quite happy with how things are going, he is quite healthy and has put on loads of weight every week, so is clearly not going hungry. Yes it is hard work and time consuming feeding him on demand, but he is only 5 weeks old!
It has kind of been the final straw for me that she turned up last time with a copy of Clare Byam-Cook's book that someone had lent her, with the section on demand feeding marked (apparently by it's owner). I was already aware of some of the authors opinions, and having read most of the book I haven't really been impressed so far. I don't really want to give him a bottle while I pump all the milk to 'empty' my breasts and check supply, or try to force him into feeding when I want him to feed. Hopefully he will settle down eventually, but I am in no rush right now.
Anyway I am trying to think of a tactful way to nip this 'advice' in the bud before it drives me nuts. She is also always moaning about the current guidelines on weaning and how it wasn't like that before, I am convinced she will soon be making him sandwiches.
(My H is good at trying to explain to her as well, but we are both frustrated that she doesn't really listen. She is still asking what time he gets his last feed, or talking about timings when we have explained that isn't what is happening.
It probably feels worse to me, because my own mum is the complete opposite and is very supportive. When she breast fed me in the 70s, everyone thought she was daft, because I suppose it wasn't the 'fashion' then.
Any tips for subtleness welcome!
Thanks,
thistle
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Replies
Need some good arguments - last time I spoke to her she told me I couldn't be a slave to my baby forever... :x
xxx
I don't even think my wee guy is that bad. He is prob every couple of hours on average, but does have a few bigger sleeps - sometimes even the odd one at night! Half the time he falls asleep feeding though - I do try to keep him as awake as I can to feed well, but sometimes he is back up in half an hour or something when he realises he wasn't quite finished!
i always like the lines that cast questions on what they did, so when she says we didnt do it like that id say something like, well in the 70's babies were advised to be put to sleep on there front but its since been found to increase the chance of cot death so i guess ideas about raising baby changes.
regards the book i think its rubbish, all that matters is that he is gaining weight and is content, breast feeding was succesful long before pumps were invented.
oh the joys of mils
xx
i always listen politely and nod without taking the conversation any further. I do this as if i was to answer back, i would end up saying things i might regret as bf is something i am really passionate about, and i seriously cannot believe how ignorant some people are!
those books about feeding times and expressing and all that make me so mad! what planet are thses women on that write them? (sorry peronal opinion there)
i think with your mil, its best to say, well the advice has changed over the years and we are using our own methods, which seem to really be suiting lo at the moment. We'll just see how he goes and change it if we need to.
I used to say this, even to my sister who always was asking me "are you going to start topping her up with a bottle soon? she'll need it etc" i would say "yeah i probably will when she needs it" whilst actually thinking "i have no intention of doing that but i'll just let you think your advice is good cos i'm sick of trying to make you understand."
i know exactly where you're coming from, so let me know how you deal with it!
Naomi and Ruby 10 months
Haven't come across Clare Byam-Cook before, but I have heard about the whole 'pumping to see how much you get' thing and that would never have worked for me- I could only ever express a little at a time and I knew my lo could get more than I could express.
I also think you are quite right not to force your lo into a routine. My daughter fell into a fairly natural routine by about 12 weeks, it was always flexible and would change quite often but it suited us all. I used to stress about whether she should be in more of a routine, but if I have another one I will be much more relaxed about it. Sounds like you are doing everything right- don't let your mil get you down!
they were all so convinced things would be easier etc if i didn't bf. (no one in my family has bf).
if your baby is putting on weight then everything is going along fine - i kept trying to get that message across. plus i kept stressing the benefits.
i mix feed now, and still i get comments saying i shouldn't have bf from day one. (my son is 5months old now)
i have no regrets whatsoever though.
xxx
With my first, I used to get 'it'll be time to top up with formula soon, won't it?' from my in-laws, and I used to do the same as Naomi and say 'oh only if he needs it' etc - but of course he never did!
With your mil try saying ' Oh we're doing feed-on-demand, it's what the midwives advise now' and just keep on repeating it! And say 'Oh, he'll soon let me know if he's not getting enough!' and 'I'm happy doing it this way - it feels more natural than a strict routine'
I've never read this book - but I can tell you I would never have bothered expressing to see how much I got out - it was perfectly obvious to me he was getting enough.
Good luck - by the time he is a few months old you'll be an expert on smiling sweetly lol.
Mxx
think my baby my body! perhaps say my mw or hv has no problem with feed on demand. if in doubt tell them to bog off!!!!!
I'm going to make THIS my reply - when someone asks me How long am I planning (meaning when am I giving up!!!) to feed for! lol x
I haven't got a book about breast feeding, I was quite excited for a second when she said someone had lent her one for me - then I saw it was 'that' book and it was too late to say no! She has obviously read the demand feeding bit, which basically says if you are feeding more often than x times a day or too frequently you are doing something wrong!
here's a bit about the author :x
http://authorsplace.co.uk/clare-byam-cook/
tbh they live a couple of hours or so away so it's no too often we see them face to face about it, but it gets mentioned in most phone calls...
I am trying to think what I am going to say when she asks me if I liked th book!
Depending on how often it was getting mention I would probably address the matter directly. If she brought it up every conversation I would politley ask her to refrain from forcing her opinion on me, explain one last time breastfeedig is the best start you can give and a huge commitment and achievement to continue. She may not realise it is causing upset and prob thinks she is trying to help.
I forget how many times i have been asked why dont you just give him a top up bottle if hes that hungry. Sick of explaining ! lol.
you could direct her to the unicef website which is pro BF.
Havent heard of that book but am glad i havent read it sounds like it would make me somewhat annoyed .
Good luck xx
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with you MiL. I was so lucky that both my mother and mother-in-law breastfed so I've had support from my family from day one. All I can suggest is keep reiterating that this method is working for you. You and the baby are both happy (as is your husband which is a huge plus) and the health professionals don't have a problem with what you are doing. As for the sandwiches, let her make them. If your son is anything like mine he will throw them on the floor if he doesn't want to eat them.
Good luck, hun. You sound as if you are doing a grand job. Keep going!
Thanks all for your comments and encourangement, it has given me a warm happy glow hehe!
thistle
The classic one I got was my mother who objected to my feeding on demand on the basis that it was "conditioning her to want feeding every fifteen minutes!"
I do wish people would understand that no matter how they did things in their time, we still have to follow current advice! (when it suits us anyway ;\) )
Hope it continues to go so well for you!!!
arn't boobs there for that reason???
would you rather feed baby somethin natural and made specially for them or some manufactured gloop?????
breast fed babies are never under fed, milk is made on demand, when your baby gets bigger they can hold more milk and so feeding times will become more efficient and you wont feed as often. puts a real bee in my bonnet when ppl try and cinvince you otherwise, my mil told me i was selfish to breast feed, noone else can feed him then!! ballsa to that!!!
jo
xxxx
Grrr for you
How's it going thistle have you managed to put your MIL back in her place yet.
I think if I ever het this (not had baby yet) I will say well baby is happy. I am happy so for now I am not changing anything.
As for how often they feed - the whole '4 hourly schedule' was because in the days before antibiotics had been invented in hospital wards bandages had to be changed every 4hours to stop infections, so that was done on a 4hourly schedule, beds were changed on that schedule, meals were planned around that schedule, and so when babies came along they too were expected to slot in to that schedule! Women were also advised to exfoliate their nipples and put methylated spirit on them when they were pregnant (pause to say OUCH!!) to 'toughen' them up for breastfeeding! Some of the stuff that used to be advised is just ludicrous and lots of it is still carried through to todays advice - especially from our parents generations! A woman told me when DD was about 2 weeks old that her mother had left her in the bathroom to cry all night and then after that she never woke in the night again and i should do it to teach her not to wake up! When you have a baby people seem to have an opinion on whatever your doing - and if anything is wrong - it is, of course, only breastfeeding to blame!! Your obviosuly happy breastfeeding, your son is happy and putting on weight, so just try to take your MIL's advice with a large pinch of salt, and hang on in there!
xxxx
The last visit she was on about the 6-months exclusive breastfeeding recommendation being form UNICEF and meant for 3rd world countries. :roll: I think she was on about weaning again and I explained to her how milk was normally fine till about 6 months till babies need more iron, not sure if she believed me.
I gave her the CB-C book back and told her how negative it was, we'll see if any of it sunk in.
If not, as per my more recent thread, I shall just have to whip one out and start feeding the boy to shut her up.
Oh and if she says one more time 'Well he's certainly doing well on it', I will scream. We're feeding him on people milk it's hardly that surprising is it?
[Modified by: thistle on December 08, 2009 04:36 PM]