Not sure how, if I can handle this...advice please.

MrsH3 · May 22, 2011 1:33PM

Hi everyone,

I know that I am going to sound incredibly selfish- and more than a little bit crazy(!), but I really need some advice on how to manage this.

To give you a bit of background- we have been ttc for 10 months and have already seen gp (due to my age & irregular cycles)and found that I don't ovulate every month. Natural conception is looking increasingly unlikely. I have found this incredibly difficult, as, like all of you guys, I have always imagined becoming a mum and want it more than anything else as does my hubby.

Yesterday I spoke to my younger sister, who announced that she is 3 months pg with her second (unplanned) pregnancy. I managed to hold it together on the phone, but I totally fell apart when I put the phone down- and I don't know how to handle this. I just don't think I can cope with meeting another baby in my family- it just feels so unfair. I really don't see how I can hold it together...I really don't know what to do.

I know that there's probably not much I can do, but I am really struggling with this, and I wondered whether any of you have had similar experiences.

Many thanks xx

FAYE1983 · May 16, 2011 4:27PM

I could have wrote this myself...expect i dont have a sister but all my friends and people i know seem to be falling pregnant everywhere i look!!

I dont have much helpful advice as everyone is different but tbh there isn't a lot you can do hunny, she is your sister and you are going to see her and the baby there is no getting away from it. I have found im very good at putting on a face and then breaking down in private!!! to get advice i guess but thats how it works for me!!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MrsH3 · May 16, 2011 5:08PM

Thanks Faye, I know you're right- the brave 'public' face together with breaking down in private does seem to be the only way to cope with this sort of thing!! I feel so horrible for feeling this way about my own little sister...it's just so hard knowing that she has now got pregnant twice without even trying while we are doing everything right, but nothing is happening for us. I'm sure that part of it is the shock, and that it will get easier though- I am pleased for lil sis, but just sad for us I guess. Surely it will be our turn for that magical BFP soon?!!

xxxx

WindyMiller · May 16, 2011 5:21PM

Hi MrsH,

Does your sister know what you're going through? I know I play it down quite a lot with my family, as they are all so baby-mad (2 sisters, 7 kids between them), I don't want them pitying me. So they really don't know what a strain this is. Neither of them have suffered m/c (not that I would wish that on anyone) and got pregnant very easily and often unplanned.

I also find I put on a brave face, then break down infront of people who know the ful story. Mainly hubby! You will cope, even when you have to grit your teeth and smile. And it will be your time soon xx

westergille · May 17, 2011 4:44PM

You're not being selfish - just feeling bad about it shows you're not selfish.

I know just how you feel. I had this with my sister-in-law and I still feel really jealous. More jealous than with anyone else. Perhaps it's because she's younger than me and knew we were ttc-ing. Rationally I know they couldn't be expected to wait until we'd been successful but it felt like such a kick in the teeth.

All I can say is put a brave face on when you're with her - presumably you don't actually want to make her feel bad for being pregnant... And in the end there's nothing you can do about it but be "happy" for her. Grrrr!

I have to say I've not relished seeing my sil since hearing the news but then again we've been pretty busy so maybe that's why we've seen less of them. I'm kind of relieved not to be able to go to her baby shower due to another event but then I feel guilty about feeling relieved!

loopylou77 · May 18, 2011 8:09AM

I agree you are not being selfish, it's just cruel that someone elses happiness can remind us LTTC's how sad we are for our own situation

It has taken me a while to realise I can be happy for someone else, but still be insanely jealous and upset because of my own circumstances. So, like most of us, I put on the brave face and then go home to sob my heart out. Hubby actually thought someone had died last time he found me in this state! (I felt very stupid when I had to admit someone was having a baby and not dying).

I've also got to the point where I start looking out for the signs that people may be pregnant, so that I can armour myself with that fixed grin when they tell me.

Anyway, it's a sh*tty situation we are all in, but we have to keep going because there is no other option and there are always going to be people announcing they are pregnant. We just have to be strong, and allow ourselves time to cry when we need too.

alice252 · May 18, 2011 5:59PM

MrsH that must be awful to go through! when we were ttc it would have broke my heart to find out my sister was pregnant before me (sounds hash but when u are ttc for so long it's very hard to cope with emotionally!) does your sister know your ttc? Your not a bad person for feeling the way u do it is natural when u have been through so much it's sometimes a long road and it's hard to keep up a front for so long.

Also thank u very much for the post u wrote on my other thread! and I do remember u! Have u been back to the Drs to find out what the next step is for u? Lots of baby dust your way!! If u ever need to chat just pm me

xxx

Socksxx · May 19, 2011 4:31AM

Just thought I would give you my experience as a LTTTC graduate. It took 2 years for us to get out successful bfp with unexplained infertility. My sister was pregnant before we started trying but only just and I had a couple of tears when her daughter was born. We then fell pregnant but I mc'd the day after I mc'd my SIL told me she was pg, she had no idea I was mc-ing at the time. We were out shopping and I only just held it together but I absolutely fell apart when I got home. Her due date was a few weeks before mine. 20 months after we first started trying my BIL phoned to announce their "happy" news. I poored my heart out for hours, I could not bring myself to feel happy for them at all, I actually came in here and posted more or less your exact same thread. In the time we had been trying they had split up, got back together,got engaged and got married then pregnant, how was that fair. Finally 4 months later we got our happy news but BIL's news was like the end of my world. You are not selfish at all what you are feeling is completely natural and understandable, although anyone who has not been through the hell of long term ttc will not understand. This is the toughest roller coaster anyone couple can ever go through. You need to concentrate on you right now. I still think life is incredibly unfair but when you do eventually get what you have waited so patiently for you will appreciate your child so much. Big hugs hun. I distenced myself for a while and it worked for me but they were in laws and I don't see the so frequently. Really hope you and everyone else stuck in here get some good news soon xx

MrsH3 · May 19, 2011 2:35PM

Thank you everyone so, so much. Being able to read your responses helps so much- knowing that other people have felt this way too and that lots of you say it's totally ok to feel this way.

No, we haven't told anyone that we're ttc- the longer it's taking though, the more I think I might, (if only to avoid the brainless "don't you want to have a baby soon?" comments family seem to make!) Did any of you guys tell other people about it? I think it's the same as you say, I don't want pity (and actually, I think if someone was kind to me about it all it would make me cry- and I DEFO don't want that!)

LoopyLou77, reading your message made me smile- I did exactly the same after the phone call from my sister- hubby was quite relieved when I could finally get the words out to tell him what had happened!

Big hugs to you all, I really appreciate you taking the time to get back to me. Your kind and reassuring words really do help- amazing to find out that the same story is being repeated again and again for us all- but is probably something which just isn't talked about. Thank goodness for this website! xxx

xxMrsTxx · May 19, 2011 8:18PM

Omg I could have written this myself, in less than a month its two years since we began ttc.

OH's sis announced a few months ago that she was pg again by accident with new man, baby isnt well as she did lots of bad stuff in first few weeks so we're both finding it so tough, especially as she didnt ever want kids.

OH and I have been together not far off a decade so we want more than anything. Only my mum knows really that we're trying, and ever time I talk about it with her I just breakdown, so upsetting, especially difficult as we are both young too and didnt expect to have any problems.

Everyone seems to be pg at the moment as well, doesnt help, glad Im not alone

xxx

Munchie79 · May 21, 2011 7:40AM

Just reading your thread and totally agree with so much on here! I have started to let people know that we're trying because I have got so fed up with the questions and so on. In my current experience, it makes it so much easier. Have mainly told people at work and close friends. Family (in laws included) are in the dark with the exception of my mum as I had to ask her some medical history questions!

xxChic · May 21, 2011 7:43AM

mrsh and ladies

i totally can feel your pain, next month will be a year of ttc although we tried teice before for 8 months each time and nothing, i never thought in a million years that it would have taken this long and its starting to really grate on me

anyway, my younger sis has a 3 year old and is due her second baby today, she fell pg with the first with her ex husband and they only dtd once that year and fell pg!!! they never should have been married and they split up 2 years ago,

so she has a new boyfrind now of a year and a half and she is due their baby today after 4 mnts of trying, and he is 20 years older than her and they both smoke, and she still has had the odd one or two, dont even get me started on that!!

and when she told us in sept she was pg i was home, i live in northern ireland and she lives in gloucestershire ( i moved 5 years ago as my hubby is from here)and i was grand on the phone but completely broke down after, we had only been trying for 3 mths at that point and i consoled myself that i would be pg by the time she has the baby, clearly that has not happened!!

so i went home 3 weeks ago for a surprise baby shower and i had not seen her since oct and i cried when i saw her, i told her it was because i missed her but it wasnt, i took one look at her bump and felt like i had been punched in in the stomach, the longing was unbelievable and i felt utterly devastated that still has not happened for us

wow, i have rambled, i am obv delighted that she is due and cant wait to be an auntie again but that little green monster is still there, we go home a week mon and hopefully the baby will be here in that time and im really looking forward to it but im also due on the week im there and when she shows that will just be another kick in the teeth

so anyway, mrsh, you are not alone and there are plenty of women on here that know what you are going through and would never judge, so rant away and we are always here

i post in k.w.a so if you wanna join us please do, its always nice to have new face xxx

MrsH3 · May 22, 2011 11:22AM

Hey everyone, how are you all doing? Hope this month is being kind to you all? xx Thanks so much for all of your lovely supportive messages...you've been so fantastic with the advice, that I thought I'd ask you all about something else!

Since I last posted, I've been thinking more and more about letting my Mum know that we're ttc... Lots of pros and cons, but I think it would at least put a stop to all of her comments about hubby and me having a baby and might mean she would stop telling me all the details of my sister's pregnancy! I think she would be discreet about this but I'm not sure if it's fair to 'burden' her... My plan at the moment is to wait until we've had our gp visit in a couple of weeks, and then to let her know once we're clear about what the next step for us will be. Munchie, you said that letting someone know really helped you- what do the rest of you guys think?

Hope everyone is well, looking forward to hearing from you! xx

xxChic · May 22, 2011 1:33PM

mrs h, most friends, family and work collegues know we are trying, i felt no need to keep it a secret and that way no one asks as they know if no news than not good news if you know what i mean

everyone is really supportive, if and when i ask for their advice or just need to rant

my mum has been amazing and i know she wants more than nothing for us to announce our bfp, and has been amazing since my sis announced her pg last sept

we know it will happen, we just dont know when!!

glad your starting to feel abit better xx

Not sure how, if I can handle this...advice please.

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