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Men & Porn
What is it with men and porn....
I'm 29 weeks and unfortunately for hubby, i'm one of those women that has gone off sex. I wouldn't say completely gone off it as there have been occassions i've fancied it, but for whatever reason we haven't got down to it!! Can't say i've fancied alternative ways of showing him affection either apart from the usual hugs and cuddles....
I have a problem with porn in general anyway as it makes me feel inadequate and not good enough for him, which he knows and we have had several arguments about in the past.... but still he continues to look and I always catch him out!!
Trouble is I found out yesterday he's been lookin on the internet again, and i'm really p'd off about it. He says he needs relief as he isn't getting anything from me, which is fair enough, but my argument is he doesn't need to look at porn to do that and i've explained to him that everytime I know or think he's looking at it, it pushes me further away from him, and I feel like I don't want him near me, so its a viscious circle.
Is anyone else having this problem with their partner - and how do you feel about it. Is it just me.....?!
Any thoughts appreciated!
I'm 29 weeks and unfortunately for hubby, i'm one of those women that has gone off sex. I wouldn't say completely gone off it as there have been occassions i've fancied it, but for whatever reason we haven't got down to it!! Can't say i've fancied alternative ways of showing him affection either apart from the usual hugs and cuddles....
I have a problem with porn in general anyway as it makes me feel inadequate and not good enough for him, which he knows and we have had several arguments about in the past.... but still he continues to look and I always catch him out!!
Trouble is I found out yesterday he's been lookin on the internet again, and i'm really p'd off about it. He says he needs relief as he isn't getting anything from me, which is fair enough, but my argument is he doesn't need to look at porn to do that and i've explained to him that everytime I know or think he's looking at it, it pushes me further away from him, and I feel like I don't want him near me, so its a viscious circle.
Is anyone else having this problem with their partner - and how do you feel about it. Is it just me.....?!
Any thoughts appreciated!
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Replies
I personally don't feel bad that my dh looks at porn. I think you're looking at porn from a female way not male. for men it is purely physical. nice boobs etc and they're happy! women have to be woooed and warmed so to speak. men don't. like he says it's just a way for him to relieve himself. he won't be having any romantic feelings for these women. he won't think about them as sex is mainly a physical act for men. he loves you but needs this, I'd say let him.
Have you thought about you 'relieving' him?? maybe say to him sex is definatly NOT on the cards, not even a glimmer! why not go to bed at 8pm maybe start with you giving him a massage, then let him give a massage, then maybe see where things go??
I too went off sex with this one as well as the first! he was patient but he thought at first if I wanted a kiss/cuddle in bed it would mean sex. After he realised it wasn't on the cards we started to be close again with cuddles etc. I hated that we had no closeness. but it got better, I did the massage things at night and it did make us both relaxed more. I didn't mind masterbating him as it was part of our sex life before, I just didn't like the thought of full on sex with me.. urgh!!! I was so glad when the want feeling came back I can tell you!!!! lol
take it easy... don't forget you're there 24 hours a day and he is with YOU. as long as he's not watching porn every night all night, then don't worry about it!!
good luck, wendy xxxx
This certainly is a contreversial topic but a mate of mine is a pornstar(!!) and i asked his opinion on this. he reckons that his long term girlfriend doesn't mind him 'working' with other girls. I've never met her but i think it livens their relationship. anyhow, whatever floats your boat - not for me! I actually let my ex go with this mate on a filmshoot, he was there to do the catering and apparently didn't do anything, but he came back wtih many more tricks than he went away with. whether these were picked up through just watching, or participating i will never know, although i did watch the film and he only appeared on it fully clothed (as a bit part).
but that's not the issue here, if you feel uncomfortable with this, then you should either put your foot down, or work out some sort of compromise. why not get a (very good) friend to take erotic pics of you and then you can give them to him in an album and he can use that instead!! you don't even have to be naked, maybe wearing something he likes. this will only work if you have a digital camera though, could be embarrasing picking the pics up from a film processing place!! he'd love it for xmas, i'm sure. LOL xc
of yourself and your baby, and i hope things work out for you both mutually.
I think it makes us feel disrespected and more aware of our imperfections as lets face it,these porn stars have all the implants,lifts nips,tucks imaginable,so it dont really do our ego alot of good do it!
I think when your pregnant its even worse,because you have no control over your body,you feel less sexy and more insecure. When your pregnant you deserve some respect from men,least of all the father of your unborn child!!!.
I went onto the fathers chat room to discuss this as I wanted a mans perspective of it,check it out and you will read some of there replys.
Lets be honest here girls,I think we defend Men all to much. Would guys really say its a girl thing if the sittuation was reversed!!!! I dont think sooooooooooooooooo!
For a while it made me very distant from my partner,but we discussed it and for now things seem to be better. But I dont really believe deep down that its the last of it and thats sad really isnt it???
Your very lucky that your guy can see the damage it does. At the end of the day it just kills a relationship. I was once in a 2 n half yr relationship with a guy who besides this one issue was a very sweet guy. He was tot addicted to it, I mean out of his control....couldnt even come normally unless he saw porn or had a hand job> sorry to be graphic but it was sad for him 2. He wants kids etc but imagine not easy eh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he went to counselling everything etc, but I just couldnt deal with it any longer and ended the relationship.
If its a reall serious addiction I think, then theres a real problem! but most of the time its just men being selfish and not wanting to give it up,regardless of how it makes us feel and in the end what it does to a relationship.
Can I just clear up that there is a world of difference between sex/porn addictition, staying up til 4/5am looking at it, only being able to have sex with porn AND looking at a bit of porn every now and then but also has a loving, healthy sex life!
It is a touchy subject yes but by no means is porn 'wrong'.... it's just one persons bit of fun, who is anyone to judge and condem them as wrong... yes if the man wants it to be included in the couples sex life and the woman doesn't like it and he forces it & pushes it & leaves it about to taunt then that not to be condoned (but both that doesn't sound like a good relationship any way) but if he likes it, then why shouldn't be able to carry on on his own?
someone said that they changed their mans view on it... well I don't believe you, he will still look at it... he will still look at a woman with big boobs or a nice arse. he'll jus be more careful if you're around.
My husband loves me from the bottom of his heart, does everything he possibly can to help us, is the most caring man I've ever met. he is very intelligent and runs his own business. he is not some crude, dirty little man just because he likes looking at a bit of porn every now & then! lol You'll tell me next that none of your men masterbate next!! ALL men do it! I'm not saying all men do it every day or even every week but they do do it!!
This is like telling a woman to never gossip or chat about nothing because it can cause trouble and is a waste of time!! We women are biological programmed to do it... as are men are about sex. they don't have in built them to create situations in their heads to think about like we women can!!
I do agree with the over exposure of naked women bodies has gone a bit to far... I mean, yes you can't turn your head without seeing a naked woman in an advert but that is nothing to do with watching porn. that's another thread I think!!
Porn has been around for the last 400 years... even before that if you want to get into it. It's not going to stop.... why should it? sex is a beautiful thing... it's the modern world that's made it into a dirty word...
First of all I think Rebecca is right in that everyone is different. Some people think its ok at different levels (ie > im ok with it, if its not hidden, and its shared etc). Dont like it when ur guy is at it on his own all the time and your left up the creek so to speak. Some people carnt deel with it at all and thats totally within there rights also. I mean whatever it is in life that makes us feel uneasy,sad,disgusted or whatever then our partners should be sensetive enough not to go there.
There was one lady that was on another site and we were discussing c section as i have to have one and im scarred. She had asked for a elective c section for personal reasons. Poor lass was made to feel like a snob. She wanted a c section because she had been traumatised down there previously. So whos to judge!!!
Sex is such a personalised issue that you cannot possibly know how another person is feeling.
I mean im ok with porn to a level. What upset me was that our sex life had kinda gone down d drain and his wanking to porn had incressed. So maybe some people would say ah but thats different, some might say but better to porn than he cheets on you etc etc etc,everyone has there own opinion. But I only know that until you go through something that hurts you or upsets you then you cannot really empathise with someone in that same sittuation fully.
I had 11 replies to read since my first reply to this topic, So my reply was a mixure of the bits I'd read. it wasn't all for you. I didn't have time to look back to see who had said what but yes the bit about changing their dh's mind about porn yes it was you. I'm aware that there has to be a little give/take when you form a relationship, but I really find it hard to believe that you totally stopped him looking at it or even thinking about it. But that's just my opinion. I don't feel I'm saying anything bad about you or your husband just saying I find it hard to believe you've "stopped him".
Just to quote you... "firstly i think we are are all aware of the differences between porn this, that and the other we dont need anyone to spell it out to us..."
bex had talked about her relationship breaking down because of her ex's obsession with porn. that really wasn't relevant to the topic (in my opinion). I'm glad you feel you're aware but there are many women out there that do think it's "all the same." Don't take it personally. (bex sorry I quoted you but you were the nearest quote I found..nothing personal.)
You also said.. "but like we have said everyone is different and this is how we feel about it, its easy for someone to come back and critizise all us so called naive insecure women"
I now it takes a mixed bag to make up the world... but women have said in their replies that it made them feel inadequate & unwanted including your reply. I didn't critizise or lecture you about your feelings. I only commented on what I read. You yourself said that it made you feel degraded. those are insecure feelings. sometimes it takes an opinion that you might not like from a stranger to tell you honestly. I reply with honesty or not at all. If I feel I don't agree with someone I'm not going to shy away from it. If someone challenged me the same way and didn't agree with my comments then that's their feelings. I'm not an insecure person, but I used to be so do understand but I don't feel that way now. I don't feel I'm in a competition with a porn star, so for us it's not an issue. the same way if I went for example to a "full monty" girls show my dh wouldn't be jealous as he's not insecure too. Yes, I don't know you so I'm only going from the comments you have written. You did go onto say in your recent reply that you're happy with yourself/body... if you're happy how can it make you feel inadequate/degraded? was a bit confused... I wouldn't normally ask but you made two different views.
I've had lots of great sex without the need for porn but sometimes it can liven things up a little!! like kitkat said it can get you in the mood for it...
Not once have I said not watching porn is wrong. if you've tried it and it doesn't float your boat then great, try something else! but it does annoy me when people say watching porn is wrong when they've never watched any themselves...
please don't feel like I'm getting to you personally with my reply, because it wasn't written in that way. )
wendy xx
all the way through this thread no ones has disputed the fact that everyone's got a different opinion. obviously we don't know the inside feeling of another person but that's I'm sorry unless someone spells it out in black & white we're never gonna know are we?
wendy x
Like I had said earlier for me I dont really mind it,actually it does get me turned on,what I didnt like was that I was being left out.
Actually since it all came out he has told me that he is downloading a film. That is ok as he is being honest with me and I can deal with that,Ya know what I mean.
Its a very touchy touchy subject aint it.......................