Surrogate

mcnamara_kerry · Oct 15, 2008 6:15PM

Hay Ladies,
Iv posted this on the baby forum as well, but im after as many opinions as possible if u dnt mind. My brother in law and his partner lost a baby boy at 20wks in january 2005. Since then they have been on and off trying for another baby and she finally fell pregnant in september and is about 8wks. However this weekend they ended up at hospital coz she was bleeding and having cramps, the hosiptal said all they can say and told them it wud be 50/50 and they've got to go for a scan tomorow, but its not looking gud. They're expecting the worse and i cnt imagine how they must be feeling. This might be really obnoxious and presumptuious of me but (Mel) is in her late 30's, is quite over-weight and seems to have real problems getting pregnant and then been able to carry a baby. I have discussed with my partner that if it did turn out she is unable to carry children for wateva reason i wud really love to be a surrogate for them.

My OH has real mixed feelings about this, the main one been he doesnt want me carrying his brothers baby, which i suppose is understandable, but it wud be nothing like that i wud just be helping to give them wat they so desperately want. Do u think my OH is been selfish or am i just been stupid for wanting to do this sort of thing so "close to home" where there cud be complications and conflicts further dwn the line. Hopefully the scan tomorrow will show a little miricle in there, but what do u think? Sorry for the long post. xxx

tamarabell · Oct 14, 2008 6:54AM

Hi Kerry wow this could turn into a big debate, lol. I think its a very personal choice and one that you have to make together and both be 1000% sure of. If either one of you are having any doubts then its probably not the right choice at the moment. Plus you have to think about what his brother and partner feel about the idea.
I am sure if you did go ahead and look into it you will all having to go for counciling to ensure that you all understand the risks involved and could deal with it practically and emotionally. Remember its not just a pregnancy you have to deal with but a whole lifetime!
Really hope that everything works out for Mel. Keep us posted.
xxxx

mcnamara_kerry · Oct 14, 2008 1:37PM

I'm afraid it was bad news today at the scan and they are understandably devastated as are the rest of the family. It has made me think today tho that if they ever did want/need a surrogate in the future i wud be more than happy to do this, especially as my OH also said today that if there was ever anything we cud do to help in the future then he wud like us to do it.

I know this is a subject that people tend to have strong opinions on but whether they wud want to use my eggs, or just as an incubator i wud really love to help them have a child in the future if that was the route they mite need/want to go down. xxx

twonklemum · Oct 14, 2008 1:43PM

Good for you hon,

I think there is no more a precious gift than a child.

This is something that takes a great deal of understanding, commitment and shoud be properly talked through between the four people (in this case) involved.

I know it's a very sensitive issue and I wish you all the best with it...xxx

tamarabell · Oct 14, 2008 3:37PM

Really sorry to hear that things didn't work out for them hun, big hugs to you all. R u going to bring up the idea with them when things have settled? Think it is a fab gift to give someone if you can! xxxx

loubieloulou · Oct 14, 2008 4:41PM

my god this is a hard one.
i said 2 my mum a few months ago that once ive had all my children i might one day be an oven for some couples bun as long as it wasnt my bun, as i love being pg but i think you need 2 have therapy and for everyone else involved i think it would take a while to finally all agree to make the decision and to then get pg and carry it for 9 mths wud take a very long time, and things might change, relationships, ur health, money the list goes on but if its something that you really wanna do and after a LOT of thought then go 4 it, it would be an amazing thing to do x

Socksxx · Oct 14, 2008 4:48PM

Hope you don't mind me crashing I saw this as I logged in and couldn't resist throwing my two pennies worth in, this is an amazing thing you are proposing to do, completely unselfish act. You are obviously a very good person. One thing I would say is that regardless of whether or not your husband is saying no for selfish reasons I would not do it unless he is 100% happy with the arrangement as well. Do you want to put your own families happiness at risk for his brother? I know that sounds very harsh but how would you feel it it ended up with your marriage in jeopardy. If you can get through that then wow, what an amazing gift to offer!

mcnamara_kerry · Oct 14, 2008 6:28PM

Thanks girls, of course i wud never risk my family to do sumthing like this, but i think after 2day, OH is taking the idea alot more seriously, as i think he wasnt really considering it properly the other day. Wer not gona mention anything to them yet. We are gona wait to see if they go thru any tests or try for another baby themselfs first. Although craig said he mite just mention it to his brother in passing convo sumthing like "if u ever want are help in the future we wud be happy to", but nuffin to patronising. For now were r just gona be there to support them. It wudnt be sumffin that we wud rush into but i wud be totally prepared to do for them if my OH was 100% happy with it as well. It wudnt be sumfin i wud consider doing before july 2010 tho coz im getting married then, so im currently trying to get myself and our finances into shape. And that wud also giv them plenty of time to find out if there are any medical problems and possibly have a baby themselves in between. Can only wish them lots of luck for the future and hope they do eventually get what they want whether that be naturally by themselfs or by a surrogate xxx

SarahDevlin · Oct 15, 2008 3:44PM

I think the fact that you've thought about it is just so generous; tbh i'm not sure if i could personally do it, your clearly an exceptional person Kerry.
Its a diff subject, but if you OH can say something in passing as you say, then maybe its an option they can consider for the future & at least they will know your there for them.
All the best with this, i hope it can work out for all parties whatever the decisions.
Sarah xx

mcnamara_kerry · Oct 15, 2008 4:38PM

Thanks Sarah, im sure everything will eventually work out whether we help them or not, cheers everyone else for ur opinions. xxx

emmum21and1dif · Oct 15, 2008 6:15PM

Hi Kerry
again I admire you for what you want to do for your bro in law and his partner, I'd just ditto what others have said and a surrogacy so close to you could be quite tricky, it'd be so lovely to be able to help them out but all parties would need to be 110% sure of it for it to work, such a shame things didn't work out this time for them, I hope they do have better luck next time and hope it all turns out fine in the end.

Em x

Surrogate

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