How can i deal with this???



I had my baby 5 days ago, and i'm struggling to come to terms with what happened on the day. my labour was quite traumatic, ended up having a spinal block and forceps.

When i had my lo i couldn't move due to the spinal block and the drips in my hands so didn't get to hold my baby for 5 hours. The problem i'm having is with my inlaws- i cant stand them at the best of times but they really spoiled what should have been the happiest day of mine and oh life!

When my oh rang his mum to say that Isaac had been born, they demanded they came to the hospital to see him asap. my oh said no as i was in a bad way and it had been a long labour, and could they come tomorrow. So we both thought that was that ... ohh no my fil rang up saying mil was crying cos we are banning her from seeing her grandson!!! So we backed down and told them they could come that night. My oh was in floods of tears because his dad was so awful to him.

So when they arrived i was (bf) feeding him and had just got him settled him. So i told in laws this, (so i thought they'd leave him with me... ohhh no they took him off me! (he was laid next to me on the bed, snuggled up- as i still couldn't hold him) What i cant get my head around is that the ppl i actually hate took him away from me and held him before i did!!!

i'm constantly crying over this, and bringing it up all the time! How can i get over this?

Posts

  • Oh hun, sorry you had a bad experience at birth.

    How dare your inlaws treat you like this!! It's made me feel very angry for you how they acted. Your mil as a mum herself should have understood how you were feeling - instead she was being selfish and thinking of herself!!!!!! And your fil should hang his head in shame making his son feel bad and upsetting him.
    I just can't believe they acted like this.
    I don't know how you can get over this really. If you tell them how you feel it could cause more arguments, but then again it could make you feel better to tell them how they made you feel.

    Please don't let them spoil the time you have with your lo now.

    (((BIG HUGS))) xxxx
  • I would be so angry too!

    Joanne has summed it up really, your in laws need to be told and to flippin apologise.
    I was lucky as I gave birth at 3.30am and no one came until visiting hours the next day.
    Congratulations by the way xx
  • ((( hugs ))) I have no advice, just sympathy

    I too had a traumatic birth and had my MIL visiting not 4 hrs later. She asked me earlier today did she give my LO her first feed whilst looking all smug (mw approached me holding lo and a bottle asking if I minded her having some formula as I wasn't awake enough to bf and so my mil gave it to her) it gave me great satisfaction to say 'no she was fed breastmilk in the delivery room!'

    Hope you're ok xxx
  • i really feel for you babe, not sure what to say but think possitvie that there are thousands of firsts to come that they will be all for you and oh to see first and relish in the thought that inlaws will not get them!
    I am a bit of woos and don't know i would have the courage to tell inlaws exactly what they did and how they made me feel but i hope you are stronger!
    take care love fiona and hayden
  • Oh hun that is a lot to come to terms with. Like Joanne said once your fully recovered its best to set them straight about things. Its crap that this happened at this special time but try not to let it spoil things for you, i think its relatively common to feel annoyed with in laws anywhen post birth, let alone when they are being so immature about things.

    Congratulations on Issac, its a lovely name xxx
  • Oh hun, how awful, I really feel for you. If your inlaws are anything like mine (they sound very similar with the "all about me" attitude of crying and turning a simple situation of you not being up to a visit into being about you banning them) then telling them how you feel will probably make things worse! I think you and your OH need to have a chat and see if you could both live with the consequences of saying something to them or writing a letter. If you both feel that you will stand together and say that it was not on, and are willing to ignore any pettiness they show, or if they stop talking to you altogether, then go for it and let them have it! But if you think that your OH would be too upset without them in his life if the worst was to happen, then I think saying something would make it worse. I would think that you OH would rather you could have your say to them than feel like you're feeling at the moment. I didn't tell my OHs parents how dispicably I feel they behaved when Riley was born, and we had to carry on playing happy families us always being the ones to put up and shut up, and I sincerely wish I'd just told them how I felt as now it is too late. Hubby had the guts to tell his mum that we would rather they come to visit us properly rather than "pop in" or "stop off" on the way to visiting his sister for 40 mins at a time meaning we'd drop all our plans and be a little chef, and although his mum said she understood on the phone, she hasnt spoken to him for four weeks. We got a letter yesterday asking for money back they had lent us before xmas that we tried to pay back twice already and they'd refused, so it's all very petty! His mum even went to see his sister on HIS birthday for afew days (they live in France)

    Anyway, sorry for my little rant I was just wanting to show how things can be made worse by saying something if you are the ones who usually have to put up with things and bite your tongue. I honestly wish I'd told them how I felt before though, and think that you may not be able to move on until you tell them how you are feeling. You will always hold it against them. I hate my in laws for how they behaved when Riley was born and think I always will now sadly, I just cannot get past it.

    Sorry you had such a horrific labour. Congrats on the bfing as well hun! xxx
  • Aww hun, you need to make all this clear to them and how much of a drama queen your mil was. Their selfishness spoilt the happiest time for you. Try to remember and concentrate on the good parts and the happiness you felt when he was born and the relief that he is fine and not ill in anyway. But they definitely need to be told as what they did impacted on you and oh so much! xox

    btw - If when you bf it's anything as positive and enjoyable as it has been for me, then you will have plenty of time to bond and happy times to come, so don't worry!

    [Modified by: ~yummy_mummy~ on February 23, 2009 10:48 PM]

  • aww hun! i'm not too bad with my in laws now but they can try and interfere a bit too much and if what happened to you had happened to me i would have gonne mad! Is she some kind of child or something? why did she have to cry? she's obviously had kids herself so knows what you have been through yet she couldn't handle that she couldn't be there straight after you'd given birth? Sorry but thats wrong and you and your oh deserve that day to be just you two bonding with your child. Me and my partner said to everyone that it was gonna be just us at the birth and that night too. The visiters got to come the day i went home.

    I know its got to be pretty crap knowing someone you can't stand got to hold him before you but just think...you get to do everything you want. If you carry on bf this can be your mummy and child time that no one else can take away from you.

    Hope you feel better soon hun

    Lisa xxxx
  • It;s stories like this that make me glad that i put my foot down soon as we started organising hospital bag & before we left! I'm in kinda the same boat as tigelily, jason was born at 20 past 11 at night! my dad was the first person other than me & oh to see jason but that was only coz he came to pick oh up from the hospital at about 1 in the mornin!

    but as other's have said, make the most of your lo first's, holding his head up sneeze, little things like that which you're going to see (i nearly cried first time jason sneezed it was that cute) jason didnt want to now about feeding till about midday after he was born which was quite funny coz it was the first time he fed off me n my mum turned up (was in visting hours) but the mw told her to wait outside till he'd finished then he promptly wend back to sleep again!! I'm suprised your mw let your inlaws in tbh
    put your foot down & say, right now've you've seen him leave us alone for a week or two, or just unplug the phone n take the batteries out of the door bell!! or even better & your up to it, go away with oh & your new lo for a weekend, doesn't have to be far away just don't tell anyone you're going! wish i would've done that when jason was born!
  • Hey hun, congrats on being a mummy and on the bf.

    Sorry to hear you had a traumatic birth. When you feel emotionally better I think would either a write a letter to the in-laws or get oh to speak to them and inform them that you were upset having a traunatice birth and then being unable to bond immediately as you had to wait 5hrs for a birth. I would also explain, that the reason you didnt inform them straight away was because you were emotionally low and tearful. Im not sure what your in laws re like but it might be worth making them feel realyl guilty (well they should be anyway!).
    IMO, I think its best to let them know now rather than let it brew a while before informing them. Also get your hubby to infom them that he disliked the way he was treated by his father and the fact he felt your wishes were not respected.
    Grandparents often are protected of their new grandchild and treat them like their own child!

    Fortunately both parents live at least an 1hrs drive away and were out that day and coutned visit till the following day which was great. Hubby was also studyign for his exams and we put our foot down and said that no-one was coming over/we go and visit anybody until his exams over. The in laws were good and it was mother I had to inform that her staying over we couldnt have.

    Anyway back to your post....I know you will always have the thought to the back of your mind about not getting to hold lo. Unfortunately theres nothing you can do about it to make this better I dont mean this in harsh way when I say this either. I guess Im trying to say, please dont ruin the next few days, weeks and months thinking about your mil when you should be cherishing the happy magical moments of your new born. Your mil has already stolen the first few moments of your los life, please dont let her steal your time by being in your thoughts. All I can say is trying and focus on all the other bonding times you and your lo have had. , I know this is easier said than done. You will get to treasure the first time he smiles at you, the first time he recognises his mummys face etc.

    The last paragraph I have re read but not sure how to word it properly. I hope it hasnt come across in an abrupt way at all as this wasnt intended. Sending you (hugs) xxx
  • I am so upset and angry for you, how dare they behave like this at what is such a special time for you and your oh.

    I think all the girls have given you really good advice though. Please try to make the most of the next few days/weeks/months and do not let this incident overshadow this special time for you.

    It sounds as if you had some good bonding time with him snuggled up with you and breastfeeding. That memory is something you should always treasure and an intimacy that only you and your son can experience, but amazingly it's something that you can experience every day from now onwards. Even though they held him before you, you experienced something far more special with him.

    Give you self time and once you feel a bit more like your old self you need to sit down with oh and decide if and how you're going to raise this with the in laws.

    Congratulations and good luck x
  • thank you all so much, i feel so much better after reading all your replies. i have let it spoil things- but i've got to pull my self together, for my lo. the in laws are not worth it

    i've had problems with bf since day 2- due to a nurse telling me to do it another way even though me and lo were fine. so we changed to ff, however this morning we've gone back to bf- it may take time to get a routine, but after his feed at 7.30 he is so content, the most he has been in days.

    again thank you

    a much happier mummy and baby Isaac xxx
  • There is a lady on here who is really inspiring when it comes to bf. Her lo is nearly 2 mths now I think and her lo didnt latch on with bf. /so for the first 5 weeks she expressed and now she is successfully bf.

    Do what ever is most comfortable for you and I as its you whos bf not the nurse! Good to hear your lo has latched on well with bf. Hope it continues. It if worth every penny to buy lanisol (?sp) as great and works marvelous for any sore nipples hth image
  • oh hun, sending big hugs to you. i didnt want to read and run but try and talk to them. i know this could be hard, i have a huge prob with my in laws too so dont have much advice im afraid. take care and close curtains and pretned your out and you, oh and issac get to know each other (til lo is at least 15.lol.)xxx
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