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My first AIBU post - I normally know when I am!!!
in General chat
Apologies if this is a vent... said person is on FB and reasons I don't discuss with other friends will become clear.
Ok..... let me just say first off, I think probably 'paranoid' rather than unreasonable might be what's happening here.
My daughter is in Yr 1 and last year in reception a couple of the Mums started to hang out more - naturally people do make friends and some see each other more than others. I have been reserved - any old PP people might remember my horrific NCT issues - just to digress one of the Mums from NCT has a child in my daughter's class and whoa what a surprise when I met her again last year, she said psycho ringleader is no longer friends with any of the NCT mums - go figure. I have made some friends too and have a good balance between taking my daughter to school and before/after school care when I'm working.
Anyway! One Mum in particular does a lot with her daughter (she's an only child like mine) and often has other children round for tea/play dates, takes them to theme parks at the weekends etc. A lot of other mums have one or two younger children so don't get the freedom to do these sorts of things in excess (like me as I work) so she's well thought of. In itself this sometimes becomes difficult because the other children get jealous and want to know why they are not invited/going on these trips. Things like this, dinner out/play dates etc happen about twice a week, so it's a regular thing.
I have always got on well with her from the word go but as time has gone one she's starting to make me feel uncomfortable. She is very opinionated to the point that I feel I am being told off if I disagree with her. She seems to have very contrary views on things but there is always a long and rational (to her anyway) reason why she thinks that way. These are often centred around gender issues, religion, politics and or pretty much everything including the naughty step - I once said it was nice for the girls to have some times to play (at an all girls party) and she looked at me like I was mad and asked if I thought girls should play differently with boys and continues to offer her views on the matter - well no maybe they shouldn't but they are 5 and I made what I thought was an innocent comment.
I feel like I'm having a normal conversation with her and suddenly it appears I have said the wrong thing and I start to feel small (my issue I guess) she's perfectly civil to me and friendly but every time we speak now, I walk away feeling uneasy and bad about myself. She commented that my daughter had said to hers 'Ive got more clothes than you' when they were playing dress up - which apparently means she's insecure and feels she needs material things to be loved - WTF? but its ok for her to take her daughter to every activity, theme park, holiday she can, because spending money that way is so different?
This all sounds so ridiculous when written down, I spoke to H about it and he just thinks I should back off and disengage a bit - which would be ok but my daughter is very good friends with hers and I don't want her to miss out. I also really like a lot of the other Mums but everything seems to centre around this one, so if I back off I miss seeing others too as she is the person who always organises things as everyone else rarely has the time!
I have thought about just speaking to her about it but I don't want to make a big deal of it, if I'm being paranoid and then cause wider issues.
Give it to me straight - am I just jealous!? Am I just insecure, should I just ignore her comments, I don't think it's just me she says these things to I just seem to let it get to me more..
Ok..... let me just say first off, I think probably 'paranoid' rather than unreasonable might be what's happening here.
My daughter is in Yr 1 and last year in reception a couple of the Mums started to hang out more - naturally people do make friends and some see each other more than others. I have been reserved - any old PP people might remember my horrific NCT issues - just to digress one of the Mums from NCT has a child in my daughter's class and whoa what a surprise when I met her again last year, she said psycho ringleader is no longer friends with any of the NCT mums - go figure. I have made some friends too and have a good balance between taking my daughter to school and before/after school care when I'm working.
Anyway! One Mum in particular does a lot with her daughter (she's an only child like mine) and often has other children round for tea/play dates, takes them to theme parks at the weekends etc. A lot of other mums have one or two younger children so don't get the freedom to do these sorts of things in excess (like me as I work) so she's well thought of. In itself this sometimes becomes difficult because the other children get jealous and want to know why they are not invited/going on these trips. Things like this, dinner out/play dates etc happen about twice a week, so it's a regular thing.
I have always got on well with her from the word go but as time has gone one she's starting to make me feel uncomfortable. She is very opinionated to the point that I feel I am being told off if I disagree with her. She seems to have very contrary views on things but there is always a long and rational (to her anyway) reason why she thinks that way. These are often centred around gender issues, religion, politics and or pretty much everything including the naughty step - I once said it was nice for the girls to have some times to play (at an all girls party) and she looked at me like I was mad and asked if I thought girls should play differently with boys and continues to offer her views on the matter - well no maybe they shouldn't but they are 5 and I made what I thought was an innocent comment.
I feel like I'm having a normal conversation with her and suddenly it appears I have said the wrong thing and I start to feel small (my issue I guess) she's perfectly civil to me and friendly but every time we speak now, I walk away feeling uneasy and bad about myself. She commented that my daughter had said to hers 'Ive got more clothes than you' when they were playing dress up - which apparently means she's insecure and feels she needs material things to be loved - WTF? but its ok for her to take her daughter to every activity, theme park, holiday she can, because spending money that way is so different?
This all sounds so ridiculous when written down, I spoke to H about it and he just thinks I should back off and disengage a bit - which would be ok but my daughter is very good friends with hers and I don't want her to miss out. I also really like a lot of the other Mums but everything seems to centre around this one, so if I back off I miss seeing others too as she is the person who always organises things as everyone else rarely has the time!
I have thought about just speaking to her about it but I don't want to make a big deal of it, if I'm being paranoid and then cause wider issues.
Give it to me straight - am I just jealous!? Am I just insecure, should I just ignore her comments, I don't think it's just me she says these things to I just seem to let it get to me more..
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Replies
A lot of politics go on in the playground, both myself and husband have experienced this. I think some of the difficulty is that this friend is so opinionated and forceful in how she expresses her opinions. She probably doesn't realise how she makes you feel. You certainly shouldn't feel that you are walking on eggshells or made to feel small. I would hope she is not trying to make you feel small but my gut feeling is it probably comes from a lack of self confidence. Your opinions are just as valid as anyone else. Maybe you need to say we will have to beg to differ on that. I always try to avoid discussions on politics and religion. Also I think girls playing together is nice, girls and boys playing together is nice and boys playing together is nice. Having a variety of play situations is good for children and boys an girls do play differently in my opinion (mother of a seven year old boy). I think she is wrong saying your daughter is insecure and feels she needs material things to be loved. I think it is more that children compare and there is a level of competitiveness and one up manship that children display. My son loves films all sorts. He has watched all the Toy Story films, and so his friend say's I've seen Toy Story 4 well Toy Story 4 doesn't even exist. They also go in for rubbishing things aswell oh that's babyish but often want it themselves. I think she is going in for amateur psychology. She probably doesn't see spending money on activities as spending quality time with her child.
Just ignore the comments she makes, easier said than done let them be like water off a duck's back. Maybe start arranging things yourself for your daughter and her friends. I know it is hard when you a working.
What upsets me most is children are getting upset by not being invited to things