Need some advice for my best friend. Domestic violence so poss sensitive
A bit of background..
My lovely friend has been in her relationship for around 6/7 years, we knew it was going to be a controlling relationship as the way he was with her when they were first going out. A couple of rows they had turned very nasty and we kind of asked her if this was really what she wanted but unbeknown to us she was already pregnant with her 1st. So we left any more advice and had to turn a blind eye to whatever kept happening as we didn't want to lose her as a friend, (she is just about allowed to have me as a friend because I'm now married!)
Anyway she now has 3 gorgeous little kiddies,( I wonder if she thought this would change things) but every once in a while things blow up again for no reason. So cut a long story short, she rang me in tears today and something happened and got out of hand again last night, she said he had gone out to a meeting and come back paraletic drunk. She hates him when he is drunk as this Is when things happen. She called the police but doesn't want to go any further she just wanted to get out the house with the children but he wouldn't let her. She said he has hurt her again, I don't ask to what extent, but she said the middle little boy (3) saw it all and was screaming and asking if mummy was ok :'-( he just kep saying it was her fault! typical! she says she has had enough and has left with the kids, she is staying at his sisters as her mum is away and her dad and brother had to move away a couple of years ago due to circumstances. She does have good friends around her but we don't know what to do for her, she wants to know what the next step would/should be. She's very scared and just wants to stay away from him.
do you ladies have any advice of websites or people who she should talk to, I'm worried for her.
thanks all, I appreciate I might not get much advice today as its quiet but I had to do something x
Replies
Well done to your friend for getting out. I'd give Women's Aid a call and get some advice on 0808 2000 247.
That's what I said Margot, I'm proud of her for just getting away from the situation. Ok I may give them a call if she doesn't want to. Thanks
They have a website too, http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ which looks really useful and might be a good start if she doesn't want to talk to anyone just yet. Keep us updated, she's made a brave step.
I just don't want her to go back M, he's vile to her but he's not going to take her leaving very well and that's what will make her go back unfortunately. Thanks il have. Look at that site x
Your poor friend, I've been in an abusive relationship (mainly mentally) and it's awful and really difficult to get out of - luckily there were no children involved for me. Well done to her for getting out of it. She's lucky to have a friend like you, and I really hope you can get some help from women's aid.
Unfortunately, there's a lot of ladies on here who've been through a breakup where there are children involved who can help with the practical side of things xx
Thanks deedee, il try my best to get her through. Just want her to move forward and not back.
Women's Aid, and also Refuge...both are very helpful. If she does decide to take it further they will also be able to help her in that respect.
The most important thing is to try not to badmouth him. As crazy as it sounds, if you do and she decides to go back to him, it could leave a wedge between you. Be supportive, let her talk if she wants to, but don't initiate it if you can help it. She is very lukcy to have you, and she will need people like you around her, whatever her decision.
Also, I can't remember whether it is Women's Aid or Refuge (perhaps both) which have an anonymous forum, but it could be good for her to speak to others who have been through or are going through the same.
Ok Saffron thanks for the advice, I did tell her that il be behind her whatever she decides, I just want her to keep talking to me, I'd hate her to feel like shes alone IYSWIM? Il look at refuge website too. I think she will need to go and stay at her mums for a while, but she has a little boy to put into school each day and her mum lives nearly an hour away, she is also on holiday at the moment so I have told her to just stay where she is and her mum will be back in a couple of days. She said she isn't frightened of going back to the house, she just doesn't want to see him. I'd prefer her to go with someone but that may p him off massively, why are some people just so nasty she doesn't deserve this life she's a lovely person
Oh goodness, poor her. Lots of love xx
Thanks Kelfi
I lived with a violent and mentally abusive man for years and we had a child together, I left eventually and went on to work for women's aid please feel free to pm me ( can you do this on mumdrum?) if you need to..you sound like an amazing friend, leaving DV is the beginning of a very long and very hard road-she is lucky to have you supporting her, just knowing you are there will mean so much xx
xx
Ah thanks amythest, I don't know how to pm on here but will give you a shout if I need any advice if that's ok.
I really hope her friends and her mum are enough to give her the courage to leave him. Thanks very much x
I wrote a piece for storky's blog (riding the stork) a few weeks back, if you go on there it's still up and there was some advice from a lady on the comments page, i think she worked for the domestic violence unit, I'm sure you could get in touch with her via the website xx
Amythest, wow - I read and commented on both parts of your story (I'm Sam on RTS), just wanted to say that I think you are incredibly strong and brave for achieving what you have, xx
Thank you saffron, it was very therapeutic but also I hope it can help someone in the same shoes, and also help friends and family that suspect they know someone going through it x I appreciate you taking the time to read it and comment xx