Partner Probs
I am feeling so low right now. My partner hates my mum. When I was younger she made a lot of mistakes, eg she liked to spend more time with her boyfriends, she let me go off with a man one evening when I was 16 and I was raped (she doesn't know about that), and other things. She could of done a lot worse, she has apologised for the past, but my partner really hates her for it. And the problem is she doesn't know but I get it all. I'm at my wits end (as well as being almost 30 weeks pregnant), Every little thing she says wrong he's on to it, we come home and he'll start ranting about it and it'll turn into an argument. He's had CBT for other issues, and for a while it helped with this, but it always crops up again and again. I have forgiven my mum long ago, and anything that gets said etc I usually sweep under the carpet (unless its something that really needs to be talked about), but my partner can't do that, he's like a sponge that can only soak up so much before you have to squeeze it all out. I have said that after our son is born, and at a suitable time, I will sit down with her and discuss things over. But things still get said and my partner needs squeezing out. He feels awful about all this though, he hates us arguing etc, and as soon as I start crying he starts too.
I Hope someone can give me some advise.
Many thanks x
Replies
Am so sorry to hear about this!!! Its obvious that your partner is very protective of you. I would suggest that you take some time and think about it from his point of view. The love of his life has been hurt and its male instinct to protect! You might have moved on, but the fact that he is being protective is a valuable trait that you wont want to go away.
When it comes to your mum, heres what I have to say. You would need to keep your mum calm. Her interference right now in your family might only cause a drift between your partner and you. You need to establish that everything your partner feels is right. You will need to support his decision completely. If you say anything against what he feels, he would only lash out, because he would feel his act of protection is not the right thing, though in his head he knows hes doing the right thing.
Support him. Stay away from your mum for awhile. As time goes by, he will come to terms. You can then make him understand that you cannot desert your mum. But that conversation has to wait till he seems a little sympathetic toward her. Till then stand your ground by his side.
I don't entirely agree with ConfessionsOfATiredMum. It's true that is protectiveness is endearing and important but, when it really comes down to it, it's not his place.
She is your mother. The mistakes she made and continues to make were and are with you and therefore yours to deal with how you feel is correct.
I don't know what you say to your partner when these arguments occur but I think it may be important to remind him that she is your mother and you will deal with any issues if and when you're ready. At the same time thank him for his concern and try and make sure he understands that you really do appreciate him and everything he does for you. I hope this helps.