If ur a bit bored...

Just in case anybody is as fed up as me... these might make u chuckle.. :lol: :lol:


A Teacher sets a classroom of primary school kids some homework "I want you all to go home and find something that you and your family all find exciting and then come back in tomorrow and give a talk about that one subject"

All of the children go home and the next day they all get ready to give their talks. When it comes to little Johnny's turn, the teacher shuffles in her seat as she knows he can often be quite crude.

"Well Johnny... what have u found out at home that you all find interesting and exciting?" She asks him slowly

"A period" Johnny replies

"A Period?" The teacher asks him questionably... "What is so exciting about a period?"

"I dont have a clue miss" He shrugs "But this morning, my sister told my parents that she had missed one and Dad starting shouting and screaming, mum fainted and the man next door shot himself!!"


A couple who have been married for 30 years are making love in the dark as they have always done. Suddenly the women gets annoyed and wants the light on for once so she sits up and turns it on to find her husband using a vibrator on her...

"Why are you using that!! You incompetant bastard!" she yells at him

He blushes at first and then replies.... "O.K I will explain the toy....You can explain the KIDS!"


The royal mail have recently scrapped ideas of using a new design of stamp with a picture of a clitorous on it.... studies showed that only 2% of men knew how to lick it properly!!!


A women who is pregnant with triplets get shot in the tummy 3 times....
Luckily the babies all survive and she later gives birth to two girls and a boy..

15 years later her first daughter comes in and looking rather embarrassed says "mum i need to speak to you about something" The mum figures she has started her period so sits her daughter down and her daughter says "ive just been to the toilet and erm.... i was having a wee when a bullet came out!!"

The mum then has to explain to her daughter what happened when she was pregnant and the daughter understands.

The next week the same things happens to the other daughter and the mum has to explain the story all over agin

A month later the boy comes into the room looking really embarrassed..."whats up son?" The mum asks looking worried

"I er, i need to talk to you..." He stammers... the mum nods caringly and sits him down. "im really sorry...something awful has happened... i just had a wank and i shot the dog!!!!" :roll:


  • One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

    A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
    Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager ??50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
    A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his ??50.
    Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
    This guy pays his ??50.
    Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
    "Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I'm going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."
  • A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

    "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

    The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

    "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

    "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
  • aw thats really cheered up a rainy day especially watchin my mothers face as i read em out. lol. xx
  • oh the one about the bagpipes really made me LOL!!! Anyone got anymore??
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