My Birth Experience & desperate for reassurance :-(

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  malkymum

  Sep 25, 2011 9:55AM

  Firstly lovely lady, you haven't let your daughter down, you got her into the world safely and that was your main aim. Please, please don't put pressure on yourself about anything, get through any way you can building your strength up and in time you'll be back on full power. DON'T for Gods sake beat yourself up about the breast feeding either, the priority is your child is fed.
  
  
  
  I'll tell you about my experience. I was induced 4 days overdue because of high BP, they were also concerned I could be possibly developing HELLP which is another pregnancy condition but in the end I wasn't. I had a gel at 7pm, and left to it for the night, another one in the morning and another late morning and then waters broken at 2pm. The main nightmare was I had 3 canulers in my hands (and they bloody hurt!!) and the baby heart rate monitors and a BP cuff and was pretty much tied to the bed. They the wanted to monitor my pee but I had to pee in a jug, not dignified. Its all a blur for me to, I had 2 half doses of pethidine which slowed it all down. At the end my legs were in stirrups, I'd gone numb and lost all contractions, I was so distraught I kept a flannel over my eyes and didn't want my hubby to touch me. I had an episiotomy to (though no problems) and forceps which fecking hurt!!! By the time they plonked my boy on my chest I was not on this planet, he got whisked off and later I found out I had a retained placenta which I needed to go to theatre for to have removed manually. I to lost a lot of blood, 1700 mls, and was in surgery for 2 hours while they tried to repair me. I have since suffered a uterine prolapse which isn't nice so please, I reccommend you do your pelvic floors when you're up to it. I was stuck in for 4 days and had 4 units of blood. All the trauma affected my bond and I developed serious PND with suicidal tendacies.
  
  
  
  I beg you lovely lady, please tell someone how you're feeling, the HV, doctor, midwife, so that they can address your mood firstly, theres no need to suffer at all. Then when things are a little calmer contact the hospital or ask through your doctors/MW if they have an after birth service so that someone can talk through your labour with you and put those lost memories back. I didn't do it and deeply regret it, I've since moved 200 miles away so its not so easy, plus the hospital are rude and unhelpful.
  
  
  
  I think you are like I was, bewildered because of the gaps, angry that it was traumatic, and feeling low and tearful. Be gentle with yourself and please keep talking to those that care, talking through mine with friends helped but I wish I had spoken up more to a professional. It took me over 6 months to feel properly bonded with my boy and I know it didn't have to be like that.
  
  
  
  But I will leave you with this, today I am sat watching my little (almost) 2 year old play footy with his Dad in the garden and didn't think it was possible to love him this much. I am also 40 weeks pregnant today with a little girl awaiting her arrival, so even after everything, I reached a point where I was ready to have a another baby. Thankfully the hospital where I will be having her are amazing and I'm very vocal about my worries and concerns and have been supported.
  
  
  
  Big hugs xxx

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  GeM8

  Oct 3, 2011 5:13PM

  Hi Sarah,
  
  Just read your post and didn't want to read and run... like malkymum says... you need to talk about your experience if you can. I too had a traumatic birth and have only just come to terms with what happened, and it has taken hubby 4 years to convince & reassure me enough to have another. I am absolutely dreading the birth already!!! You certainly do not have any ''making up to do'' to your little lady, you should not feel ashamed at all of what happened, it was out of your control! You just concentrate on getting yourself 100% again, and continue to be a fantastic mummy!
  
  Sending you lots of love & hugs xxx

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  oscar2

  Oct 6, 2011 1:01PM

  hi sarah
  
  
  
  your story sounds a bit similar to mine although i did not have the big blood loss. My baby was back to back and tilted, im very petite with a small bump but he was actually 8 pounds 13 so was packed in and got stuck in a funny position. Like you, it took me a long time to establish in labour because despite very painful contractions they werent very efficient as his head was not pressing down on the cervix properly due to position. This sounds likely for you too as you had lots of pain - with very little progress. I wanted a water birth at the birth centre but after 48 hours of pains i was exhausted and cervix was only half a centemetre dilated. I was given a sweep which made my waters go (waters often go before established labour where the baby's posiiton is not right) not sure if this happened to you. After my waters went, i had whacking contractions one after another with no let up. They took my breath away and the fear hit me like a train. I felt like i would do ANYTHING to stop feeling like that. Ive worked with labouring women for 8 years and thought id be able to reason with myself but i couldnt, i was so scared. At this point i was back home but had been told i was only half a centemetre an hour before, so i knew, being my first baby, i had a long way to go and felt like a total failure. I went to the consultant unit as i felt desperate for an epidural and so ashamed i couldnt head to the birth centre. When i got there i was 3cm and wanting to push (due to position) so they thought i was delivering. If i hadnt had the epidural i would have pushed for the rest of the labour, making my cervix swell up and would have needed a caesarean. Besides which, i was begging for it!
  
  
  
  Water birth is all very well with straight forward labour - but where baby's are in the wrong posiiton and/or progress is slow, a human being can only take so much and thats what epidurals and stronger pain relief are for. I can see how people end up with post traumatic stress and depression etc but i was lucky, i had good care, i waited 3 hours for an epidural and a further 3 for it to be resited as the first one didnt work but i agree with you - they're totally amazing. A lot of my memories are blurry beforehand too and i think had i had to go to advanced labour like you i would have felt like i was dying. Its all very well where labour is 7 hours from start to finish but we began labour exhausted from days of pain and then had the disappointment of not progressing and complications added to it all. Like you, my epidural worked well and so i couldnt push - i had a ventouse and a wicked episiotomy. For 5 days i felt like everytime i stood up id left my bits behind! I was swollen and black right down one bum cheek and i didnt know when i needed to wee or poo - i just had to go to the toilet and push down. Im 6 weeks postnatal and am only just feeling normal again but have not tried to have sex yet, not sure when that will be happening!!!
  
  
  
  I did not have the complication of excessive blood loss that you had, nor did i have to stay on a busy ward. as i had no medical complications, i was expected to go home. I felt like death after 3 nights of no sleep, was puffed up with swelling, couldnt sit down and my mouth had swollen up due to alergic reaction to gas and air mouth piece! my baby was angry too as sore from ventouse and had never fed, just cried continually. We hadnt bonded when i left, it sounds awful but was so tired just felt irritated with him, i was so emotional and he obviously felt rough too. Thank god my area had al lovely birth centre to go to. I stayed for 5 nights, when i arrived they took henry for two hours - we both calmed down and slept - when they brought him back he had his first breast feed at 17 hours old (im sure because i was calmer). He slept for 5 hours in his cot, they helped me feed him again, then we had another 5 hours. In the morning i had a lovely lavender bath - it was so quiet, calm and such a lovely atmosphere. I felt nursed back to life and ready to be a mummy. They helped me work through my feelings of disappointment - i somehow felt i wasnt brave enough - even though the odds were stacked against me and i did the only thing i could do. Physically, the episiotomy was a huge shock - had i gone home feeling so physically and emotionally low with a demanding, tired baby i dont think i would have fed him myself or fallen for him so quickly (during that first feed i felt myself start to bond with him). After this he was a good baby, feeding and going in his cot. I had guilt issues that aside from feeds i didnt cuddle him much but he learnt to be a good boy going down and six weeks on thats invaluable to us.
  
  
  
  Besides which, henry was sleeping and eating and not very aware of much - he had very little awake time. We were both healing and i dont think you need to worry about those early days while you were so poorly - you were doing the best you could to recover and your baby had her nappies done and got fed, thats what she needed then. even if you cant remember it, the midwives would have made sure she had her physical needs taken care of. I am totally with you on the shock of an episotomy though - the only thing that would put me off a wonderful epidural again is the thought i might not be able to push, and could end up with that trauma down there again!
  
  
  
  I got very stuck on my own birth afterwards (and i know it wasnt as awful as yours) but the midwives at the birth center had the time to talk me throgh it, many of them were my friends too which helped and i really feel ive laid it to rest. I needed help in those first days as a mummy as id really been through it and thats ok. My baby had lots of sleep, was kept clean and fed and thats all he needed. The birth and the immediate aftermath is not really what matters...its being a mummy in the longterm. I think its great you've written things down on here - i did and it helped. You should also think about contacting the hospital so they can fill in some of the blanks for you. You care so much about your little girl, thats obvious or else you wouldnt be worried about the effect things might have had on her but i think your fears are unfounded. You suffered a physical and emotional trauma (yes, it does happen to other people but that doesnt lessen the suffering for you) and you needed to be looked after a bit afterwards - thats ok. Be kind to yourself now as it will make you a better mummy if you can come to terms with it all. Sounds like you are already working through your emotions which is the start. At only 3 weeks post birth you will still be in a sleep deprived haze and that makes all the emotions harder to deal with. At 6 weeks, i feel so much stronger, my lo only woke at 1am, 0440 and 0730 last night and, even though broken sleep would have killed me before, i feel like a new woman in comparison to 3 weeks ago. I got my son into this world, we're both ok, he's more of a little person now smiling and cooing at me - he doesnt remember the first week and its fading in intensity for me. Physically, my stiches feel ten times better, ive lost a stone in fluid and some days we manage coffee with friends etc, life will never be the same "normal" again but we are getting used to a new normal and i love being a mummy. The same will be true for you, give things a bit more time, have lie ins in the morning, nap rather than do housework wherever possible and let people help you. Sleep is the big key to feeling better as well. Sorry for the ramble, hope ive helped a bit. xx

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  muppet29

  Oct 8, 2011 4:12PM

  Hiya, I just wanted to say I too had to get taken to theatre as ds failed to progress in the second stage. I had a forcep delivery and I also lost a lot of blood - 1300ml and ended up with a episiotemy (which I didn't realise for a couple of days is cut at an angle and not straight!!!). I too had an infection on my stitches and that was painful but I didn't really realise because I thought I was meant to hurt, after all I'd just given birth.
  
  
  
  Anyway, that was last November. And I'm about to do it all again as I'm 14 weeks gone with my second. For me the delivery was perfect, what mattered most was getting ds out in one piece and that's all that mattered. I healed, you will too although it may be sore for a while. Try and speak to your hospital about 'Birth Afterthoughts' where midwifes come and see you and go through about your birth and can fill in all the blanks. Also, speak to your doctor about pnd; a friend of mine really struggled with her delivery because she felt she wasn't in control of it or did as well as she thought she could have done. It really surprised me because normally she's so level-headed but quite competitive so I think because she had to have help she felt she wasn't 'strong' enough or something. But whatever you do, speak with someone frankly about it all. It will make it easier to realise what you have been through has been traumatic but it's over and you are now a mummy xx

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  Larax

  Nov 14, 2014 3:24AM

  I was 9 days overdue when I was took into hospital to be induced at 3pm, I was given the first peccary vaginally at 9pm as they were busy and I started getting contractions a few hours later about 12am, my waters then broke at 1am and I was taken to the delivery suite at 7am when I was 4cm as i was pleading for some gas and air. Hours later at 6cm I asked for an epidural, the anethisist had to try several times putting it into my back and when he eventually did it he explained that it goes wrong for 1 in every 25,000 women, and told me that it should take effect about half an hour later.. Of course I was one of those women were it went wrong and I went numb instantly suffering from what is called a dural tap and can be very dangerous. Again hours later they came and checked and I was finally 10cm but baby had flipped back to back at the very last minute and I was rushed into theatre which left me having a forceps delivery, it was a very unpleasant delivery and I am now left with a 3rd degree tear to my bum, and a epiostomy cut leading from the tear after that I was being stitched back up for about an hour, my baby was in a bad state as well, he came out with the cord wrapped round his neck and a dislocated shoulder . I was then rushed down to a ward where I was constantly monitored and attatched to a fluid drip in both hands. The next day they removed my catheter with ease (surprisingly) but later on that day I was close to fainting and they came back and told me that I lost a lot of blood in theatre and needed a blood transfusion, so I was hooked upto another drip containing blood for another day. A few days later after they had kept an eye on me I asked to go home, even though i was in a bad state, I couldn't sit or lay in any position comfortably as my stitches were in unbelievable pain all I wanted was to be home and looked after by family as looking after a newborn baby with 2 drips in both hands and not being able to move to him wasn't easy and caused a lot of pain and stress. The next few days weren't easy at home, and I felt very poorly. After about a week I was starting to feel a little bit better on constant painkillers and antibiotics, to find that my epiostomy stitches had opened up and I was left with a massive open wound right next to my bum which was causing me massive pain. After a lot of check ups and midwife appointments after 4 weeks I still can't sit down, I still have a open cut (as they told me it would close itself). where the catheter was Inserted I get frequent pain there, I get really bad migranes due to the epidural going wrong, and where my baby had his shoulder stook behind my pelvic bone on the way out I get a lot of pain there too. I am very fed up, and I am only 18 and this has been a very traumatic time for me, and people say once your baby is born you forget about the pain, but I certainly haven't and it's still very fresh in my head. I just feel like I'm never going to go back to normal, if it's not the constant pain down below, it's the migranes disabling me from even moving anywhere, and I've been told that they might never go

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