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Pregnant after miscarriage and feeling guilty...

I wonder if some of you share my feelings...
I had a missed miscarriage and a d&c in Oct 07 and I am pregnant again. I should be overjoyed and often 'pretend ' to be for the benefit of my husband but honestly, I just can't feel the same as during my other pregnancies.

I used to think that pregnancy was a right. After two successful births I never thought that baby number 3 would not make it. And yet it did go very wrong and now I feel as if this baby I am carrying only lives because his brother/sister didn't make it...And I keep telling myself that I should be 6 months pregnant not just 7 weeks... It nearly seems as if this baby is a little stranger. An innocent little one who doesn't realise how lucky he is to be...Will I ever tell him? Tell him that he would not have been born had my other baby survived. Worded like this it seems horrible, but keeping it a secret makes it worse...

I look at the pregnant women at the school gate everyday and they look so happy and ever so proud. I really can't share what they feel. I can't help but think there might be another woman around who is going through what I went through in October and it would be so unfair on her!
The past few months, I used to stand there, among pregnant women who were either bragging or ,worse,
complaing about their pregnancy ailements and think 'how dare you?' Off course it wasn't their fault, that's what you do when you are pregnant! And they didn't even know about my miscarriage anyway.

I think you can only understand the pain caused by a miscarriage when u have gone through it yourself. I feel really guilty at my selfish behaviour during my previous pregnancies, when I felt sooo on top of the word! My sister-in-law had a miscarriage while I was pregnant and at the time it really didn't register with me how hard it must have been for her to just talk to me.

Now I just feel as if I have no right to even talk about being pregnant. Nobody knows (and in any case it could still go wrong anyway!) . But even if it does go well, no more bragging for me, it just hurts too:roll: much when you are on the receiving end.

I am the only one with these thoughts or I am going loopy? Please let me know...Love, Lola


  • Hi Lola

    Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're worrying about the feelings you have. I have no personal experience of this but just wanted to say that after my MCs I have felt a number of different emotions.

    Slightly similarly i suppose is me feeling guilty about trying again after a MC, but I managed to muddle through that the first time. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sure these feelings you have will come and go. You're hormones are probably flying around as we speak (or type!) and I'm sure they'll settle and you'll feel brighter soon. You're not loopy, just a normal lady who has experienced something very sad.

    Your new addition will be loved I'm sure, it just sounds like you are still greiving for your earlier loss. try to speak to OH if you can or chat away on here as I know it helps me to feel better.

    I can entirely empathise with your annoyance at other women complaining about sickness etc. Although I know this can be unpleasant I just know I would give anything to have that sick feeling again, if only I were PG.

    Sorry if I have rambled but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

    Love Em xxxxxxxxxxxx
  • I had a mmc in June '06 and fell pregnant again a few months later.
    I found it tough at first and went through so many emotions, I think that some of the guilt I felt was actually worry about the same happening again, even now my little girl is here I never stop thinking about my lost darling baby and what they would have been like.
    Also like you I do sometimes find myself thinking that if I had not lost my baby my little girl would not be here, but i think you must remember that mc normally happens for a good reason and probably stopped your baby having to suffer in any way.
    I felt alot better after my scan but i must admit i never complained half as much about the sickness second time round even though it was all day and night for a while.
    I'm sure it will get better and you will start to enjoy your pregnancy.
    Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and all the luck for the future.
  • i had a missed mc in aug'03 at 12+weeks and was so gutted and then found out in the october'03 i found out i was 4+weeks pregnant again,
    i didnt know how to feel about it and felt really guilty, like i was betraying my baby i lost.
    you shouldnt feel bad hun, another baby wont make you forget the baby you lost,
    wishing you all the best in this pregnancy and good luck in the future,

  • Thanks to all of you. It's good to feel supported. I feel much better today. Like some veil has been lifted. I still worry about this pregnancy though. I suppose all the signs are right this time. I feel sick most of the time and my lower tummy is already expanding. None of that happened last time so...I am keeping my fingers crossed! I've just decided to keep calm about it and not raise my hopes to high...Can't wait for the scan though. 4 weeks to go. They won't do an early one as this time there is no reason to think anything's wrong. But still, I won't believe I am actually having a baby until all the tests are done. Thanks again for your support. Love, Lola XXX
  • hi lola,

    l read your post & realised l feel very similar to you. l had a mc on 10th dec 07, l have had one af since then & the 2nd one is due tomorrow. We have been ttc again this month, but l'm worried about being pg again. All the things you said about thinking the next baby wouldnt exist if it wasnt for the mc & feeling like its not the right one, l feel too. l want to feel overwhelmed with happiness about finding out l'm pg, just like last time & l'm scared that l wont & scared of the guilt that l'll feel if l dont. It is such an important thing that l want to be so right. l cant believe l'm saying this as l want a baby so much but maybe we should wait. l'm scared that l wont bond with the baby & that l'll reject it. This was our first baby, it was supposed to be so right & now it feels wrong. It does feel like betraying the other baby who l felt such a strong bond with. l have been alot stronger in the last month or so than l am today, but today we went to a cremation service for the baby, so this week has made me take a step back in the grieving process. Its just so hard not to think about how things would be now if it hadnt happened, thats the thing l find hard to get past. This has been the most painful experience of my life, l could never have imagined how this would feel. l have never felt such love for something, l just hope so much l can find that love again.

  • I had a missed miscarraige in June 2016 I was 9 weeks pregnant when I went in to hear the heartbeat and it was nothing on the ultrasoun. Me and my fiancé found out our baby stoped developing at 6 weeks. I had to walk around for another week before I got the pill to help my body let the baby come out. Two months later we find out that we are pregnant again, I am now 16 weeks. I'm really excited but a part of me always wonder if I will lose this baby too. I feel guilty about being happy with this one when I'm still sad over the one I lost. This pregnancy is going good so far but I'm sicker than I ever been and losing weight from throwing up so much and I feel bad for complaining about being so sick but at the same time I would take being sick every single day of this pregnancy If I can have my baby at the end of everything. We can't take losing another child and my daughter can't take losing another brother/sister. She is 2 and already grown attached to the baby that's in my belly. 

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