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Lost my bean today
Not sure where to start but just had to at least put something down in writing. As the title says we unfortunately lost our bean today. Had brown spotting yesterday I was 12 weeks exactly) and midwife referred me to the EPU. Over night I had heavy bleeding but no pain and just knew I had lost my lovely baby.
This morning I had a scan which confirmed that the bean had died at 9 weeks and 3 days (couldn't believe they could be so precise with dates). Unfortunately was a complete wreck at the time so was able to take everything in. Have been booked for an EPRC first thing tomorrow morning to get things started.
This was our first pregnancy and I feel totally destroyed by it, it was the first bhp we had had in 7 months of trying. I guess with most people I can't quiet see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment and whilst I know my dear hubby is trying to be supportive by saying we can try again soon I just don't know if I could go through this experience again.
Refused to look at the ultra scan screen today or take a photo that they offered us and now I wish that I had. Not sure how I am possibly going to sleep tonight but hope things start to feel better soon. thanks for reading.
This morning I had a scan which confirmed that the bean had died at 9 weeks and 3 days (couldn't believe they could be so precise with dates). Unfortunately was a complete wreck at the time so was able to take everything in. Have been booked for an EPRC first thing tomorrow morning to get things started.
This was our first pregnancy and I feel totally destroyed by it, it was the first bhp we had had in 7 months of trying. I guess with most people I can't quiet see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment and whilst I know my dear hubby is trying to be supportive by saying we can try again soon I just don't know if I could go through this experience again.
Refused to look at the ultra scan screen today or take a photo that they offered us and now I wish that I had. Not sure how I am possibly going to sleep tonight but hope things start to feel better soon. thanks for reading.
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Replies
First off im sorry for your loss and welcome to the forum (i mean that in the nicest possible way as i have found it a trememdous support the past 6 weeks but obviously none of us wish to be here)
I had a missed miscarriage in March i had a little bit of spotting when i first found out i was pregnant so i had an early scan at 6+4 and saw the heartbeat - everything looked ok so it was just put down to implantation and they then scanned me 2 weeks later and my little bean had stopped growing at 7+2 (i too was shocked at how precise date wise they were and that it was only 5 days after previous scan) i had no idea anything was wrong and without the second scan would likely have gotten to 12 weeks like you with no indication that anything was wrong as they said it can take up to 6 weeks of the heart beat stopping before you actually pass the baby so i can only imagine how you must be feeling at this stage. I will never forget that moment and apart from a general feeling of just knowing in myself i had no indication that my baby had stopped growing. All miscarriages are painful but i have to say i didnt really know about missed ones before it happened to me and i have found that extra cruel and hard to accept as i feel my body let me down twice.
I was devestated it was my first pregnancy too and we were so happy - i lost my mum in September and when i got pregnant 1st cycle trying i thought it was going to be a positive thing to look forward to and i couldnt believe how lucky we had been but obviously we werent lucky afterall. Your reaction sounds 'typical' and is one we can all identify with as is how you are feeling right now.
I was a complete wreck to and couldnt see how i could function again and sadly i have had no support apart from my dear husband (and the lovely ladies on here) so have no idea how i would have gotten through this withoutmy husbands support and also being able to offload on here as although we dont 'know' other it helps knowing your not alone and that others have been through it (although i wish no one had to go through such heartache!)
I returned to work 4 weeks ago after 4 off (though i had medical management and it took days for me to pass my baby then i had alot pain afterwards so i cant offer you any erpc advice sorry but a lot of the other ladies have sadly been through this too and can prob offer some words of advice/support regarding this) i work with Health Visitors and go to visit new babies and also some parents who i feel just dont 'deserve' the babies they have and i think how unfair it is so to say being back at work is hard is an understatement but im getting there and believe me you will too.....
I wont lie its so hard and i still cry most nights when i think of my lost little bean (i think on them now as being with my mum - she got to be a gran afterall and is keeping them safe for me. I know thats a bit morbid but we have to do all we can to make ourselves feel better and that comforts me a little) Its utter hell especially in the first few weeks but gradually it does get easier and you can begin to get back to 'normal' i will never forget my little one and i am getting a little flower tattoo with pink and blue petals as a reminder and my husband also bought me a 'miscarriage rememberance' bracelt and some of the ladies on here have written poems, bought a little teady bear, planted a tree or plant or something to mark their littles passing.
Unfortunately i have found people to be rather cruel and cold as they dont understand or know what to say and i have been told to just 'get over it' along with the usual 'it must have been for the best something must have been wrong with the baby' and 'least you know you can pregnant and can try again' but
1) Yes we can get pregnant but so do lots of woman with no problems so i kept thinking why me? (as do all of us)
2) how is it possibly for the best? It wasnt something flawed it was my baby growing in me, it had a little heartbeat and i couldnt wait to meet them (again im sure everyone identifies with this feeling)
3) Trying again petrifies me (and i know im not the only one who feelis like that now_
These all seem to be fairly normal reactions as are the emotions i experienced.... i went through disbelief, anger, sadness, biterness, fear and also jealousy at other pregnant woman (wouldnt wish mc on anyone but it seems so unfair) and from what i have seen this is what most of us do as its ok to feel like that and to grieve as you would the loss of any loved one. I too didnt sleep for ages after wards and i still dont sleep that well but as i said im getting there....
Take as much time as you need and i promise you things will start to get a little easier with time (i know its a cliche and no help at all but sadly we all on here have been there) Take the comfort you need from your hubby and support each other and take any support if its offered from elsewhere but the important thing is to look after yourself at the minute given what you have been through.
I often look at my first scan picture (althugh my baby was just a little white 'blob' to me its special and i also have kpe tmy pregnancy test) it might upset you at the minute but you could always ask the hopsital if they can give you a picture tomorrow as they should have taken some for your notes or may have some saved on the scanner just of you want as there may come a time in the future when you want to look back on it so just a thought?
With regards to trying again we too are petrified but my af came last week and so i feel like my body is now at least physically ready and i plan to start BDing tonight (though i feel lousy i think i have a cold coming which is typical and im worried as we havent BDed since january!) At first i swung between wanting to be pregnant straight away and never wanting to try again through fear thats also normal and only you and your hubby can decide whats right for you, i am trying to be positive as theres no reason why it will happen again next time so all i can do is try and at least then i have hope as its all we want to be parents...
Anyway i am so sorry i have rambled on and prob havent been much help to you but theres always someone here whenever you need to cry or rant or whatever and as i said i have found here a big help and support recently - everyone is lovely!
Thinking of You,
Lx
[Modified by: Lauz41 on April 29, 2009 04:39 PM]
So sorry to read your message and hear your news, you must be in shock right now, it does seem very bleak at the moment, but take one step at a time - I had an ectopic so different experience to you (first BFP for us too) but lots of people have unfortunatey gone through similar to yourself and everyone is very supportive on here and it will help
I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can do
bye for now
daisyx
I am so sorry for your loss. It really is a devestating experience but you'll find lots of support and understanding from the lovely ladies in here.
It's perfectly normal to feel like there is no hope but I promise that it does get better with time and you learn how to deal with the pain (but I know you probably can't imagine that's true right now).
I hope your ERPC goes as well as possible tomorrow and that you make a quick physical recovery so that you can concentrate on your emotional healing.
I think most ladies feel like they can't ever imagine trying again when they're in the middle of a mc. I know I certainly felt like that, especially after my last one. But in time I am sure you will feel ready to try again. That might be in 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years...but the decision is completely yours and whatever you decide it is right. You just have to go along with how you are feeling.
Regarding the scan picture, perhaps you could ask tomorrow when you go in if they still have a copy of it? They may well have put it in with your notes. It's understandable that you didn't feel like taking the picture yesterday.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow.
Love NN xxx
Click Here To Read My Ramblings On Living With Loss
I'm so sadr to read your post. It's so horrible and so sad when this happens. We lost our little bean at 9 weeks in Feb. It was our first BFP too so it's really scary even thinking about going through this again.
For the moment just look after youself and do whatever you need to do to get through the next few days. We are all here to help and listen if you need to chat.
I have a scan pic of my bean when there was still a hb but I have not looked at it since that day - I'm not sure how I'd react but NattyNIk's suggestionmeans that at least you'll have the option.
Good luck for the hospital tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you
Sending you lots o fgentle hugs.
xxxxx
Give yourself time to come to terms with it all and allow yourself to grieve. As NN said, I certinaly couldn't contimplate TTC again whilst dealing with a MMC. But in time you may find the drive to have your won baby returns and you feel like you would like to try again. But it is early days still and you have time to think about that later. Today just concentrate on your self and your OH.
I have had an ERPC so if you want to ask any questions I am happy to try and help. I am sure they will have a copy of your scan in your notes so you could ask to have that too.
Best wishes for tomorrow. I hope everything goes smoothly for you.
Love Lilou xx
I had a mmc which was found at my 12 week scan, the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks so I know how you feel, as do all of us on here and we are very good listeners if you need us.
I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can.
x
We got a picture of the scan & i still have it in a frame in our bedroom. Some people might think it's a bit strange, but that's my way of dealing with it.. Everyone deals with things in different ways.
I found that coming on here does help - you can to talk to people and they totally understand what your going through. x
Take all the support you can get through these times, you need it, but take heart from the fact that it will get easier and you will reach a stage when you can face the world again.
Good luck with everything, x
im so sorry to hear your news.i had heavy bleeding at 9+3 days and went to a + e, nothing they could do so had to wait all weekend til the monday when scan showed our baby had died at 5+6,i had erpc the following day,we were both devastated and could only take each day as it came,the girls here have been fab as we all have the sam e thing in common,they are true gems and we are al here for each other.
thinking of you today xx
Clare
big hugs sweetheart xx
I found out at my 12 week scan our baby had died at 9 weeks. I had an ERPC the same day.
If you have an experience like mine, Physically the recovery is quick. The ERPC will hopefully be nowhere near as bad as you are expecting it to be. It is the emotional side, of getting your head around everything.
If you are going to the same hospital you had your scan in, and you want tone, ask if it is possible to get ia picture of your bean. I'm not sure if it will be, as it is a different day. But I got to the ward several hours later, and realised we hadn't even asked.
Take time to grieve. We're here if you want to talk. It may not feel like it, but talking does help. You will heal. xx
Thinking of you and if you need to talk then we are always here!
Love Rena x x
I hope that you may be feeling a little better, its not a nice thing to go through that's for sure and is certainly quite a shock to the system.
I went for my 12 week scan on 23rd March to find out that my baby had died 6-7 weeks and had my ERPC that day. I have had many ups and downs since then and at the very start thought there was no way I'd want to go through that again. I have done my fair share of crying, being angry, having time out on my own and talking about it with BE girlies and some of my friends who have been able to understand. Not everyones does though!
It will be 6 weeks on Monday since it happened, and I've just had my first AF which was only a few days off my normal cycle and believe it or not I am really keen to try again now! So it does go to show that when the time is right for you and when you've done all the things you need to do to overcome the pain and upset of it all you will feel differently at some point and ready to give it another go.
Everybody on BE are here to help when they can, keep talking, be as positive as you can and big hugs to you.
Love Lou xxx
i have had 4 mc in a row over the last 8ths and each one is as bad as the first,
all you can do is think that next time will be dif and for you i hope it is. but dont let anyone tell you how to grieve you will do it in your own way and in your own time. my thoughs are with you. big hugs xx claire
Am so very sorry for your loss. It is so upsetting. Sounds like you've really been through the mill.
I know it's not much consolation, but try to get some rest, time really is the best healer (an old cliche - I know). You will start to feel better soon.
We are all thinking of you.
Take care,
Edie xxx
Unfortunately there was no way for us to get a picture of our baby, in a way I am very sad but in others I think it may help. We have been informed by hospital that all baby's that die before 20 weeks are cremated together once a month which has eased my mind a little as worried what would happen to him or her.
Pain has started to dull and tears have all but dried up now but feel numb by whole experience. We hadn't told anyone that we were pregnant so it's been difficult explaining to most people and unfortunately, from a dear aunt yesterday, we were reminded that we were not getting any younger and when were the baby's on the way (its our first wedding anniversary next weekend) ggggrrrr.
Anyway I think this will be may last post its so hard coming on here at the moment and seeing everyone progress in their pregnancy in my due month. I hate the feelings of jealous I get from seeing their postings (I am honestly not that kind of person) yet I can't seem to stop myself from looking.....I really do wish everyone well with their pregnancy and a healthy and beautiful baby.
Thank you all once again it means so much to know that you have all taken the time to read and reply....
X
Hopefully some time away from here will do you some good. When you come back, maybe you will be ready to progress into TTC. Take care. xx