Forum home Pregnancy Miscarriage & pregnancy loss

When did my "baby" die?

Good afternoon

I am new here, and am feeling so lost and depressed. Last week I was ten weeks pregnant. I had asked for the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit to become involved, as I had been bleeding a little the week before. Nothing much, just spotting each day. However, since then I have had numerous scans, the first (including internal) showed just a sac, no baby. The sonographer asked whether I could have got my dates wrong, because what they were seeing appeared more like that of a 6 week pregnancy. I am absolutely certain with my dates, since I always keep a record of my period start dates, and told her so. She then went very quiet, and said very little. I had already suspected by this point. The word "inconclusive" kept being banded around for the next few days by all the professionals. There followed more tests (blood, urine and scans) over the next week. My hormone levels were dropping, and I knew I was miscarrying. A few days ago, the worst happened, and it was more or less what I had prepared myself for. I expelled my "baby" when I went to the loo. I managed to retrieve some of it, and showed the hospital. They said they would send it for tests, but that I wouldn't be informed of anything! I asked how old my baby might have been when it died, and they said they had no way of knowing! I signed a consent form for the hospital to cremate the "remains" at the local crematorium once they'd looked at it. That made me feel worse! I feel so empty. Everywhere I've looked on the internet, when people are describing their miscarriages, they are able to give a timescale of how old their baby was when it died, but I wasn't given that. I don't even know if it was a baby, or just a sac that I expelled! Everyone at the hospital was so vague and not forthcoming with information. I just feel so alone and miserable. Any advice would be so much appreciated. I am trying to be brave and keep strong, but by Christ, I am struggling. I know everyone else on here will have an understanding of this.x

[Modified by: Numb on 17 July 2009 15:35:14 ]


  • Hi Numb

    Im very sorry to hear of your loss, it sounds as though you may of had a mmc (missed miscarriage) the baby may had already been absorbed into the blood or passed before your scan. I know that sounds horrible hun if the sac was measuring 6 wks then that would be as far as the pg got too.

    have you spoken with your gp as they will have all your notes they may be able to explain things a little better for you so you understand what has happened & confirm what exactly happened or the type of mc you've had.

    Everyone on here is very lovely & will offer you support hun. Sending you lots of hugs x
  • Laujai

    Thank you for your kind words. It is much appreciated. And thanks for your explanation. You've done more to explain that in a few sentences than the whole EPAU did in over a week!

    I just feel so alone and isolated with this pain. My husband is trying to be supportive, but doesn't have the same depth of feeling about it that I seem to. I never realised how much I would hurt if this ever happened to me. Then again, I guess you don't realise that until it happens to you personally.

    My GP is away on holiday for over a month (yes, really!), and I'd rather see her as she knows all my history. I will definitely go and see her when she's back. I just wish I could cope in the meantime. I feel like I'm falling to pieces.

    Thank you once again.x
  • Oh Numb you poor thing, I am so sorry you are having to go tthrough this.

    I had a MC in May and I too was never told how far I had got, they said it was too difficult. From what you have said, I suspect that like me, the baby was absorbed into blood/sac and it was the sac that you passed. I found passing the sac potentially the most traumatic thing I have ever done, that on top of all the other hurt you are going through.

    Please take the time that you need to try and recover as best you can and don't beat yourself up about it. I still have bad days even though I am trying again.

    Everyone here is lovely and there if you need them and when you are ready to try again, TTC after is a great forum too.

    (((((big hugs)))))
  • Red Dress

    Thank you for your post. It is of great comfort to know there are so many others out there who do have an understanding. So I now realise that it was the sac I passed, not really a baby. They never explained any of this to me. I agree with you entirely though....passing the sac is definitely the most traumatic thing I have ever done. Don't know that I will ttc again....I'm already 38....feel like time is just slipping by and I'm getting too old. Maybe my age had something to do with the miscarriage??? I suppose I'll never know. The worst thing is the lack of support and empathy from the hospital staff. Just cold, clinical and a sense of 'don't carish' attitude about them.

    Thanks again for your post.x
  • Dear Numb,

    Just wanted to say that I am sorry to read your post. Please don't give up hope. I had a m/c at around 6 weeks and like you felt that the response from the health service was very cold and non caring. We had tried for a year to concieve and I thought it would never happen, 6 weeks later I was pregnant again and I have a beautiful 18 month old boy as a result.

    Sadly I have had a terrible loss myself recently. I am also 38 though and despite this, I am already thinking about trying for another baby. I look at my little boy and see how worthwhile it is.

    I hope that you get some of the answers you need. If you do decide to try again then when you are pregnant, insist on an early scan and don't be afraid to be a nuisance! Good luck!

    Best wishes, George, x
  • Hi Numb
    I can;t add much as I had ectopic but wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, I think the hospitals get so used to it that they don;t appreciate how awful the experience is - your mc is so recent that its not surprising you are struggling - give yourself time to feel horrible, it doesn;t go away but you learn to live with it even if it doesn;t seem like it now
    wishing you all the best for the future
  • Hi again.

    Thanks to all those who have taken the time to write and empathise. You have no idea just how comforting this has been for me.

    Sorry I haven't responded sooner, but to put the icing on the cake for my week of hell, my internet connection has been appalling, and my son (he's12) has been nagging me constantly that he can't play his online game! Oh, if only I had his problems!

    Not being at all computer hi-tech, I have spent the entire weekend trying to fathom out what's wrong with this ********* computer, and have now decided frankly, let it rot!!

    I just feel that all I need now is the family to come down with swine flu, an that'll just top the week off for me.

    Sorry to be so negative.....I guess I'm just feeling full of negativity, despondency and cynicism at the moment. Not to mention sadness, hurt, pain and aching for the baby that should have been.

    I thank all of you who have responded. It is so reassuring to know that I am not alone.

  • Hi,

    I am new on here just joined up this morning would love to chat to others experiencing similar to me.I totally understand how you are feeling i had similar happen to me,i was 13 wks at my first scan when i was told a heartbeat could not be detected i was growing really big and suffering all day sickness everything seemed to be going so well the EPU was of no help to me at all i was referred by my gp at 8 weeks for an early scan for piece and mind due to the sickness but this was ignored by them so i had to go until my first scan thinking all was well to be told baby had died they think this happend at around 51/2 wks apparently that is common in miscarriages at that stage.I had to wait 2 wks after finding this out to then go into hospital for the procedure as my body was holding onto the pregnancy and did not want to let go.It was a devastating experience to go through as we wanted this so much but we looked positively and have been trying ever since but no joy yet my cycle is all over the place so frustrating and confussing i just want it so very desperately.How are things with you now and how are you coping?

  • Hi Kelly

    I'm very sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking, isn't it? I think unless you have personally experienced miscarriage, there is not another soul that can have any understanding of the feelings of hurt, pain and grief you are experiencing.

    I think it is all a matter of time. I'm not ttc again, at least not right now. I feel too mixed up emotionally to even consider it, and moreover, feel worried and guilty that my age (38) may have had some bearing on my miscarriage.

    It has been a week now with me, and physically things have improved. All my pregnancy symptoms have disappeared, and I am no longer bleeding, so it would appear the miscarriage is well and truly over.

    However, the emotional scars will take a lot longer to subside, I think. There are moments during the day when I don't feel so bad, but then it all comes flooding back, and my heavy heart is almost unbearable.

    I keep thinking people are going to begin getting fed up of me, and think I need to start getting over it. They're probably not thinking that in reality, but my paranoia seems to overbear me.

    I can now hand on heart say that this is the worst experience I have ever had in my life, and my empathy and sorrow goes out to all who have suffered from similar.

    Take care Kelly, and everyone else.

  • I had MMC last september, scan found it at 11 weeks, baby died at 6and half. It does seem that if they go earlier they are difficult to find. I'm now 26 weeks pregant and they did a reassurance scan at 8 weeks, GP explained there's not much to see before this, and friend who had reassurance scan in diff authority at 6 weeks confirmed all there was to see was a sac. I know it doesn't help this soon but at least you kind of know why there isn't a time you can be given.

    I too found me MMC to be one of the worst experiences of my life (only losing my dad too young comes close). Me and husband felt so raw and bereved. My work refered me for couselling with occupational health (GP had offered but work referals come through quicker). I only went to 2 sessions as it's not really my style but it did help me to cope, just to hear someone say it was ok to feel so bad. She even helped me to forgive myself for hating every single pregnant woman I saw (bloody hundreds of them, everywhere I went).

    I think the best advise is to realise you have suffered a cruel berevement. You didn't know them very long but you loved them and imagined your shared future and that is now lost. If you haven't been there you can't understand so don't blame people who want you to move on and "get over it", it's about you and your immediate family, not anyone else. Like any berevement, everyone recovers and deals with things in their own way, don't make any plans or decisions about TTC or anything else yet, it's too soon (and you aren't too ancient!) Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

    Thinking of you.
  • Secret Me....

    Thank you. That was just what I needed to hear.

    I wish you the very best of luck with your current pregnancy.

    Numb.x :\)
  • Well, it's been two weeks, and today I had to phone the EPAU at the hospital, to give them the results of a further pregnancy test, just to make sure it was negative (and of course, it was). They wanted this so that they could close my file. Hopefully it will now provide some closure for me, too.

    This time, having absorbed what had happened over the last couple of weeks, I felt strong enough to ask a couple of questions about my miscarriage. I asked what kind of miscarriage I'd had, and the nurse explained it is what is referred to as an 'anembryonic pregnancy'. This basically means there was a gestation sac but no baby developed. It is what I already assumed, and what the kind people on this forum had described, but in some ways I find this harder to digest, as I feel that I shouldn't be grieving, as there was no 'baby', even though I was pregnant. It's bizarre really.

    I feel a bit calmer now, not quite as angry. However, I still feel unable to watch babies on TV (!!), and feel a huge sense of loss somehow. I am still tearful, but this has become more private, and I tend to cry when I'm alone in the privacy of my own home.

    My thoughts are with all those who frequent this board. I feel for everyone who has suffered here. x
  • Hi guys I'm new at this I just want to explain what happened to me I'm 18 years old and been with my fiancé for 5 years now since I was 16 I have always wanted a baby so we both decided we old try for one 1 year had passed nothing another year had passed nothing so 2 years of trying we had nothing I decided to give up it was breaking me making me think that maybe I can't have kids 2015 we thought right we will just live our life and do what we need to do get job, get a car, go away abroad that was our mind made up we gave up on the baby situation in April I was late for my period but my period always did that it was so unpredictable one night something was telling me to take a pregnancy but It wasn't just telling me to take it any part of the day something told me to do it as soon as I woke up first urine of the day so the following morning I woke up and did I turned around and there it was two big red lines as clear as day I panicked at first because I'd never experienced two lines on a test but then I burst out with tears happy tears a ran into my partner and woke him up and told him he wasn't to happy at first but after going to the midwife he finally realised it's all real it's actually happening a week later we got booked in for my first scan but my mother came with instead of my partner as he was really busy it turned out I was 6 weeks pregnant due in December time I got home showed everyone the little dot my little baby and everyone was so happy my mum, dad my sisters my niece my grandma so anyway about a week later I started getting morning sickness I was so drained and tierd and I kept on thinking to my self this is really happening the weeks went on by we was just waiting till I was 12 weeks to see when my due date was it got to 11 weeks and all of a sudden one morning I woke up pouring with blood and bad period pains I rang my mum and she rushed me straight to the hospital we sat waiting for hours worrying 4 hours passed by they finally got me into a scan room they did the normal belly scan and they couldn't find anything so they had to do an internal scan  straight away they found it my other half was watching the screen and he hadn't seen our little angel yet so all I seen on his face was this huge smile when she found it until she said it's not good new there no heart beat his face dropped and I poured out with tears she told us baby had died two weeks ago which broke my heart even more because I was trying so hard to protect my baby I just didn't get what had happened they asked me if I wanted to stay in hospital to take these tablets that will crush baby into parts and have a normal period I just wanted to go home I was to much in shock with the fact that we had to wait in hospital for 4 hours to then be told my little angel had died two weeks ago so I went home with a second scan picture of my baby I had really bad pains the next day at first I had bad period pains then it turned into really sharp pains where I couldn't hardly walk I go home and got into bed took some tablets and made hot water bottle all of a sudden I was just dropping off to sleep when I had a contraction I didn't know at the time I was in labour and having contractions but by every minute it got worst I could feel my entire body pushing I still didn't get what was happening so I rang my mum I said mum there's something wrong this doesn't feel like a bad period pain my body won't stop trying to push I was panting and needed a drink so bad but the pain was so harsh I couldn't even hold a glass I was to busy holding on to my bed frame on my knees huffing and puffing when I had done that I finally realised what was happening so I went threw it whilst waiting for a paramedic and my mum all of a sudden this huge thing came out my other half wanted me to sit on the toilet as it might be easier so I walked to the toilet sat down and all I could see was my baby hanging from me so I couldn't look I lifted my head back up but the cord was still inside me so my partner was telling me to keep pushing so I did eventually I heard a plop I wiped and then just placed my self on the bathroom floor I couldn't look at my baby because it was at the bottom of the toilet after that paramedics came and contractions had stopped so we basically said we don't need him now and I was so tierd I just wanted to go sleep sorry I had to go in full detail but I never got to find out what had happened to my little baby why did it just die Can someone please explain thank you 

  • I am so sad for you skylouise:( you've joined a really old thread here (from 2009) I know your pain and sadness only too well and these are emotions you need to go through to begin to heal. I was 21 weeks pregnant in November  and went for a scan as I couldn't feel my baby moving I had just started to feel it a week or two b4. After 3 days of me telling health visitors something was wrong( they thought I was paranoid!) I was sent for a scan but too late my baby had died:( sadly skylouise I have no idea why my baby died either I had lots of bloods taken as I was kept in hospital for two days to induce labour and deliver my baby boy. All results came back normal. Sadly often their aren't any answers it just happens and we will never know why? You can get an infection in the placenta mine was all perfect! I refused a postmortem on my baby I couldn't bare the idea of it. I got to see him and had his foot/ hand prints taken etc. The hospital did me a beautiful memory box of his outfit/blanket( they were very tiny as he was the size of my hand) a photo I keep scan pictures in the box and sympathy cards from his funeral. He was cremated and scattered with 5 other babies. Please take it from me you never forget but the pain becomes easier to live with. Me and my hubby named him Oliver and still talk about him. We got him a teddy and it sits on our bed and I have a heart necklace as a reminder. We are currently trying again for another and did so from January. I've had two more mc since but early ones but we won't give up( we have 3 children already) but I feel a desperate need to be pregnant again and finish what I started.

    I hope to u begin to feel better very soon and hope your family is supporting you.

    if you feel you would like to try again there is a thread that I am on called" trying to concieve after a miscarriage part 3" There are many of us all supporting each other on here and it is a great help to us all

    good luck in whatever you decide to do,sending hugs your way xxx

  • Hi skylouise, so sorry to read about what you've been going through. Here is the thread missmyangels is talking about - there's a fabulous super supportive bunch or women there who've sadly experiences something similar to you.

  • Oh I'm so sorry for your loss that must of been even harder to actually be further gone but yeah I want to try for another one but my partner doesn't he thinks it's just not meant to be but we had tried for so long got one then lost it I want a baby so bad to make up for the one I lost I will definitely join the other site I didn't know how old this page was I just wanted to talk to someone who's been threw the same thing thank you so much for the advise and I really hope you have another healthy baby xxx

  • Thank you so much xx

  • It's a pleasure and it's always good to talk x

    I hope we both manage to have a healthy and and enjoyable pregnancy, please do join the other sight everyone's great:) x

  • I will get on it straight away! Xx

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