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feeling sorry for myself
Hi girls,
I posted on here a few weeks back as had double mc - we lost twins. From finding out was pg at end of july to the first week of aug, i found out i was pg which was a suprise as was about to start clomid to help conceive as been diagnosed with POS. Spent a day getting excited but then the next day got told blood hormones weren't right. Spent first weekend completely distraught only to be told on the monday morning there was a 2nd heartbeat - one had gone, but one was still there. Spent the following week willing it to grow and prove them wrong, but by the following monday, that one too had died. Basically lost two... fortunately it all happened naturally and i thought i was fine. For some reason my brain was dealing with it in a practical way and thinking at least it all happened naturally and i didn't have to make any hideous decisions.
Five weeks on and i'm not so sure how i'm doing. I got my AF on wednesday which kinda finalised things and made me remember i'm no longer pg. So perhaps i am more hormonal and emotional than i have been. But also, a few friends who are pg are being rather insensitive - i am happy for them don't get me wrong, but i have been sent emails where they are talking about comparing bumps and talking about the best pushchairs to buy, all of which i feel is a little insensitive and personally, would have only sent to the individual - they know what has happened and its just so in my face. I know i'm trying to be brave but its really knocked me this week. and now one of them is coming to stay tomorrow - which was already in the diary. There will be 4 of us in total, but i don't want to be the humbug of the group not wanting to talk about her baby or trailing round the baby depts in town... also another friend announced she's expecting a baby in april when ours would have been born, so is basically a week behind me, which is all a bit hard to swallow. I just want to curl up and cry.
DH has been great although i am concerned he's bottling it all up as he doesn't have any close friends (apart from me) to talk to. He keeps working from home as he says he can't face going into the office - and then doesn't appreciate me getting upset when i get home after a day in the office trying to hold my emotions together - i don't have the option to work from home.
Guess i'm feeling sorry and sad for myself, and gutted that it is completely over. I can't help but count the weeks in my diary of where we would be... I know this is crazy and torturing myself but i can't seem to snap out of it... i thought i was doing so well... and now i just feel soooooo sad.
My thoughts are with all of you going through this hideousness.
xxxxxx
I posted on here a few weeks back as had double mc - we lost twins. From finding out was pg at end of july to the first week of aug, i found out i was pg which was a suprise as was about to start clomid to help conceive as been diagnosed with POS. Spent a day getting excited but then the next day got told blood hormones weren't right. Spent first weekend completely distraught only to be told on the monday morning there was a 2nd heartbeat - one had gone, but one was still there. Spent the following week willing it to grow and prove them wrong, but by the following monday, that one too had died. Basically lost two... fortunately it all happened naturally and i thought i was fine. For some reason my brain was dealing with it in a practical way and thinking at least it all happened naturally and i didn't have to make any hideous decisions.
Five weeks on and i'm not so sure how i'm doing. I got my AF on wednesday which kinda finalised things and made me remember i'm no longer pg. So perhaps i am more hormonal and emotional than i have been. But also, a few friends who are pg are being rather insensitive - i am happy for them don't get me wrong, but i have been sent emails where they are talking about comparing bumps and talking about the best pushchairs to buy, all of which i feel is a little insensitive and personally, would have only sent to the individual - they know what has happened and its just so in my face. I know i'm trying to be brave but its really knocked me this week. and now one of them is coming to stay tomorrow - which was already in the diary. There will be 4 of us in total, but i don't want to be the humbug of the group not wanting to talk about her baby or trailing round the baby depts in town... also another friend announced she's expecting a baby in april when ours would have been born, so is basically a week behind me, which is all a bit hard to swallow. I just want to curl up and cry.
DH has been great although i am concerned he's bottling it all up as he doesn't have any close friends (apart from me) to talk to. He keeps working from home as he says he can't face going into the office - and then doesn't appreciate me getting upset when i get home after a day in the office trying to hold my emotions together - i don't have the option to work from home.
Guess i'm feeling sorry and sad for myself, and gutted that it is completely over. I can't help but count the weeks in my diary of where we would be... I know this is crazy and torturing myself but i can't seem to snap out of it... i thought i was doing so well... and now i just feel soooooo sad.
My thoughts are with all of you going through this hideousness.
xxxxxx
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Replies
I hope today goes ok for you xxx
I'm so so sorry to hear what you've been going through. I had my 2nd m/c in July, having had the 1st in December. The way it happened, too, must have been so awful for you, and all the more poignant with 2 babies. My thoughts are with you and your OH.
What I have come to realise since this nightmare started is that nobody really understands or appreciates what we're going through (unless they have been there too). People say and do things that are so hurtful, but they seem not to realise. I can't believe what your so-called friends are doing to you. Don't feel forced into anything you don't feel ready for.
I had 2 friends who were pg and I explained to them why I couldn't see them. 9 months on from the 1st m/c and I still haven't seen them or their babies. A colleague at work announced her pg the day we found out about the 2nd m/c and keeps going on about scans.
I also understand what you're saying about your OH. Mine has been very supportive but gets frustrated that I still haven't really perked up. I feel so bitter and angry all the time.
The bottom line is that you're not alone and you should always remember to put you and your lovely OH first. Don't worry about offending people-they haven't thought about this when they've been sending their e-mails. Cancel the meet up if you're worried about it upsetting you. Good friends will still be there for you when you're ready.
Look after yourself and OH.
xxx
Plus i am following a weight programme because my consultant has told me i'm obese and need to cut out the macdonalds - if only i ate macdonalds! So i've had to be careful with what i've been eating this weekend and its just rubbed more salt in the wounds because they all sat there not having to worry at all about what they are eating. Out of the 3 of them they are size 8, 10 and 10 - so the concept of being anything over a 12 is deemed as being fat. I have to hide the clothes labels when we shop because i'm a 14/16 and they couldn't imagine being that big. Even the pg one said she has to be careful about what she's eating as she doesn't want to put on weight.
Anyway, guess i've got to snap out of this. Monday tomorrow, maybe i'll wake up feeling a bit more positive. Thank you for listening girls and for your advice and support.
xxxxxxxxxxx