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How do you support someone after a miscarriage.
Hi all,
Before i start i just wanted to say im very sorry for all of your losses, this must have been so difficult for you's i just can't imagine how you feel. Which is partly why im asking advice. Someone close to me has just miscarried at nearly 18 weeks. I was very sudden with no warning at all and within four hours the baby had miscarried. What i would like to know is how do you support someone through what is obviously a traumatic time. The person in question doesnt want to speak or see anyone, even her mum. I would just really like your advice on how to support this person, is there something i could do, i just dont know what to do, its so hard seeing them in such pain and anguish.
I just dont want to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and cause them more pain. When i got a text about it, they said they'd phone when out of the hospital so i took this as i should wait to hear from them and try and not phone and give them space, so i just texted to say how sorry i was and that i was there for them when they needed me, i just not sure if i did the right thing by not phoning either.
I just really want to do what the best thing for them is so any advice you could give me would really be appreciated. xxx
Before i start i just wanted to say im very sorry for all of your losses, this must have been so difficult for you's i just can't imagine how you feel. Which is partly why im asking advice. Someone close to me has just miscarried at nearly 18 weeks. I was very sudden with no warning at all and within four hours the baby had miscarried. What i would like to know is how do you support someone through what is obviously a traumatic time. The person in question doesnt want to speak or see anyone, even her mum. I would just really like your advice on how to support this person, is there something i could do, i just dont know what to do, its so hard seeing them in such pain and anguish.
I just dont want to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and cause them more pain. When i got a text about it, they said they'd phone when out of the hospital so i took this as i should wait to hear from them and try and not phone and give them space, so i just texted to say how sorry i was and that i was there for them when they needed me, i just not sure if i did the right thing by not phoning either.
I just really want to do what the best thing for them is so any advice you could give me would really be appreciated. xxx
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Replies
I was very reclusive for a few weeks after my mc. I didn't want to see or speak to anyone. I just wanted to be on my own to grieve. Eventually I felt ready for more contact. I did appreciate texts though as it helped to know people cared. Some people sent flowers and cards which was lovely as it recognised that it was a proper loss that required grieving. There can be a feeling sometimes with mc that after a couple of weeks you should be back to normal. But it never goes away.
So many people asked me what they could do to help but to be honest there isn't really anything apart from just letting her know you are there if/when she needs you. I told one of my friends I just wanted to feel more 'normal' again and have little goals to help keep me going so she took me to the theatre this a week to give me a nice night out. We made a point of not talking about recent events and it was so good to have a night when I was totally distracted from everything that had happened and made me appreciate what I have more. (although it was only after 6 weeks that I felt ready to go 'out' rather than just to work and back)
What I hated (and still do) is people saying things like 'it wasn't meant to be' 'it was for the best' 'you are still young' etc etc etc When people just acknowledged that it truly sucked and that there was nothing they could say to make me feel better that actually helped more! The last thing you need when you are that sad is people trying to tell you you should snap out of it.
Just give her time and let her know you are there for her when she is ready.
Hope that helps. xxx
i totaly agree with baby b. the best thing you can do is to let her know you are there for her when she needs you. i was grateful to receive texts and e-mails from friends as even though i didn't want to speak to them at the time i was glad that they were thinking of me. i also got some lovely cards and flowers which when they arrieved, upset me but ina good way if you know what i mean.
i can't imagine what your friend is going through losing her baby at 18 weeks. i lost mine earlier and that was really hard. i hope she gets through this and she will need the help of her family and friends at some time. perhaps suggest she have a look at this site if she want to speak to others who have suffered similar losses. when i had my mc i didn't know anyone else who had gone through the same thing and found this site to be a really great help.
xxx
xxxx
BabyB is right the worst thing is the comments that people say when they think they are helping. The worst for me is that I have been told I am lucky, it obviously was not meant to be and it could have been much worse. I know your friends experience is much more traumatic than what I have been through but we have all lost babies.
As long as she knows you are there and let her do the talking. I think you did the right thing sending the message but I would send her another if you don't hear from her just to let her know that you are still thinking of her. xx
I wasnt sure whether to post on here incase the person i was talking about saw it and it upset her but i felt i wanted to try and do the best for both her and her partner. I wasn't sure whether to say before as i was trying to not give too much info incase the person i was talking about saw it, i just didnt want her to be upset, i just dont know what to do.
But i also wanted to share that the person im talking about is my brother's long term girlfriend, which makes it also quite close to home.
This therefore also means that i really want to support him to but, also want to give them space. I've sent a couple messages i.e msn, text saying that im thinking of them, and that i am not expecting them to answer as i know they don't want to speak to anyone but that i am thinking of them and and if they ever need anything or if need someone to talk to i'll be there when they are ready.
I think a miscarriage must be so traumatic at anytime as there is nothing you can do to stop it and its so out of your control. I really appreciate you all sharing your experiences and what helped for you and what didnt. I totally agree with the comments that you said are hurtful about saying it just wasnt meant to be, and maybe for the best and young enough to try again as that belittles how you are feeling and plays down how upsetting and traumatic it is, its a death and needs to be grieved as such, it will be such a long process to go through, i guess just some people just dont understand. I you wouldnt say something like that to someone who had lost a parent or partner so why say it when someone loses their baby, it must have been really upsetting for someone to say things like that.
Baby B, lula- belle, Jem27 and socks, thankyou again for sharing your experiences i do appreciate it and i am sorry for your loses. I had wondered whether to send a card and flowers or whether it was too soon but from reading your messages i think that i'll send them now and hope that it does not upset them anymore. I'll follow your advice and give them space, which is so hard as i hate to hear them cry and not be able to do anything, ive never heard my brother cry before either. I'll continue to leave messages and maybe offer to get some shopping and leave it outside there front door then leave that way they wont have to see or speak to me but will have some food incase they dont feel up to shopping.
Thank you again for your advice. x Take care
What a caring friend you are!! I think you are very empathic and this will count for a lot as you support your friend through this.
I mc over a year ago and although was in the early stages, it was not easy. My grief still effects me now.
At the time 12 of my friends were also pregnant and that hurt me, although my head told me I was pleased for them, I had some bitterness as to why it had happened to me - I was low as the day I mc was exactly 12months to the day my father was buried so felt I had suffered enough. As you can imagine my friends did not know what to say to me and tbh I did not want any pregnant friend around me.
I bought myself some books on amazon and they helped me feel better, it made me feel I was not alone. Coming on here helped me loads as I could discuss what I was really thinking and had support from people who had experienced what I had.
I kept a journal to write down all my emotions as most days I would cry.
I appreciated the texts and messages from friends - but it hurt when people would avoid me.
The best peice of advice I can give you is to maybe send a card and write a message in there from your heart.
Thinking of you all and sending you some healing thoughts.
as the others have said it is so lovely that you have taken the time to consider how to support your friend.
for me, i had days when i would want to talk about it and days when i wouldn't. you might find that she will talk to you about it of her own free will. you obviously care a great deal and by just letting her and your brother know you are there for them means a lot. i had some lovely flowers which i thought were so special - i could keep looking at them. when they died i tried to press them but i'm not very good at it - but i wanted to do it at the time to remember how lovely the flowers were and that people cared about me. a few weeks after i had another bunch of flowers off someone else which was lovely as well because i felt i had support straight away but then not so much in the following weeks.
i've been upset a few times because i hadn't heard from some of my friends, and also because my family don't talk about it know - i think they expect me to be "over" it. maybe my friends didn't know what to say to me.
i had a good think about it all recently, and i realise that being able to talk about things with someone listening is the most important thing, rather than having advice etc back - it's a way of processing my thoughts and feelings. so even if you don't have any answers for her, or you might not think you have the right words to say, just listening and being there for her (and your brother of course) is a wonderful way of showing support.
also just look out for your brother as well - some men don't like to talk about it at all, some are upset that they don't have as much support as their partners. my hubby and i dealt with it in very different ways and i was upset at this at first but i now understand we see it differently, no way is right or wrong, and that i can talk to other people on here about it if i want.
hope this makes sense!!
thinking of you all xxx
Sianblew, that must have been so difficult have 12 of your friends pregnant at the same time, i think if it was me in that situation i would feel really angry and bitter though i would want to feel like that i would, thinking how are they still pregnant and not me. Its so difficult to get your head around it, how one day everything was fine and the next it wasnt. I think like the death of anyone you would never quite get over it, but eventually you get by. My cousin is also pregnant and is just a week behind, therefore due a week after their baby would have been due, so it will also make it so difficult, like a constant reminder. I just feel dreadful for them both as there isnt anything i can do.
Its good you were able to write in a journal and find some comfort in books, i guess its so individual for everyone that different things will work for different people, though i think the journal would be some kind of release for her.
Mrs E, its good that the flowers brought you comfort, that would have been nice to keep some, i cant press flowers either. I think thats one of the things that happens to often that there's a flurry of people contacting you seeing how you are, and flowers,cards, texts and phonecalls, and then after a while it fizzles out and people stop. But they shouldn't because it isnt better after a few weeks and people will still need support for a long time after. Its a shame people started avoiding you and not contacting you anymore, as if yes its been a few weeks ive done my bit. I know sometimes people dont know what to say but just saying something, anything would be better than that.
I think sometimes forget how important listening is and not jumping in with advice. I keep seeing them both online and i really want to say something else but ive left messages etc and i dont want them to think im hounding them so im trying to step back and let them contact me if and when they want to talk. But, i'll continue to leave messages all the time saying im thinking of them and im here when they need me.
My mum is going out of her mind, she just wants to go over and see them as we havent seen them since it happened, its been 2 days.
I understand what you mean about men dealing with things differently, they just dont react like women, and because they dont react they way we think they should we end up thinking they dont care, or arent that upset. I know i've thought that in the past.
I really appreciate everyone for sharing their stories as i know it can't be easy especially as some of you have experienced it so recently and others are still very much in the grieving process, im not sure a person can actually ever get over something like that.
I definetly going to do as you all have suggested and send a card with my thoughts in it and some flowers, and hopefully sometime soon i can go and see them. Thank you again. Take care xxxx
i had a misscaige at 12wk in january, anthony was so great he stayed at the hospital with me as long as he could 12.30pm one nite, he held my hand wiped away my tears, tried his hardest to make me smile, tried to help me eat, and reasured me that it wont be long until were having a baby, he was so great. hed always cuddle me when i got upset he was like a guardian angel even now im 24wk+2 days pregnant he still cudles me when i get upset. the best thing you can do for your partner is be there and show her/ him how much you love em, but dont overcrowd. good luck i hope everything works out for you all. katie xx