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What Should Have Been...
It's my sister's wedding tomorrow.
The last few weeks doing all the organising with my sister has been difficult for me in many ways. It's brought back a lot of memories of our wedding last year and that reminds me of how happy we were (make that ecstatic) because we were getting married and pregnant for the first time. We were blind to the horrors of miscarriage and infertility of HCG blood tests and scans at the EPU. We naively thought that everything would be ok and that in 9 months time we'd be holding our baby in our arms. It felt like things were finally going right...we never dreamed we'd have the year from hell and have to go through so much heartache.
It's also difficult because at my sister's wedding we should have been proudly showing off our 2 month old baby - showing him or her to all our relatives who were at our wedding the year before. As I've been searching for my outfit to wear tomorrow I've only thought that we should have been choosing an outfit for our baby to wear. What would he or she have been dressed in? Every time I've walked into a shop all I've seen are the adorable outfits for babies, the beautiful little dresses or the cute, smart little suits aged 0 - 3 months. I should have been buying those. I should have been SO excited to show off my baby tomorrow....and yet, I'm sat here in tears because I won't be doing that tomorrow.
OR I should have been 7 months pregnant with a big bump and everyone asking me how long I have left and do we have the nursery all ready and everything organised yet. OR I should have been 5 months pregnant with a neat bump and everyone asking me if we know whether we're having a boy or a girl. And yes, we would have known - we planned to find out before tomorrow...
Three scenarios that I would have been over the moon with. But none that are going to come true...instead I'm just me, no bump, no baby...a failure of a women who can't stay pregnant.
Perhaps if I just close my eyes and wish hard enough I'll wake up and all this will have been an awful nightmare...
But I have to pull myself together, plaster that smile on and pretend I'm ok.
~ NN xx
Click Here To Read My Ramblings On Living With Loss
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Replies
Try to think of all the wonderful things you do have in your life and the exciting life your sister is about to embark on which you are about to help celebrate!
Thinking of you
Dx
i dont really know anythign that will help except that we understand.
hows your 4th round going - lets concentrate on the future and think how the next few months are going to go.
Hunny, we are always here x x x x
Sam xxx
I hope you can manage to enjoy the day for what it is. Your sister's wedding. xx
I don't expect anyone else to understand (apart from you ladies on here) and I would never mention it to anyone else (apart from hubby) which is why I came to talk on here. I had a good cry this morning at home with hubby who gave me a big cuddle so that it would be out my system by the time I saw my family.
Love NN xx
I hope tomorrow goes ok, and you can forget about all your troubles and enjoy the day. We are all thinking of you...
There are no words of consolation. Nothing anyone says can turn back time or make it better. All we can do is to try to pick ourselves up and get back on the horse, so to speak (that's what my hubby said to me after our mc, and it was the first thing that made me smile during the whole miserable affair. Not sure I was so keen on being likened to a horse, but hey).
Take care,
Edie xxx
I have just come online and saw this....im sorry you were so upset last night and i dont blame you given all you have been through this month and with each of those 3 scenarios as you said you would have been thrilled to be showing off so something like your sisters wedding is going to make all that feel rawer.
All i can say is that i hope today is going ok for you and not to bad - im sure being surrounded by family they will be sensitive and not say things that they know will hurt and be sad for you and the focus will be on your sister afterall (i dont mean that to sound bad - just that people will be so focusing on her and your day that it might not occur to them how you are feeling which sounds uncaring but they might then be less likely to say anything to upset you further.
*thinks i am digging a hole here* sorry.
You are strong and i know you will get through today with a smile on your face somehow....and just think on the future hopefully this time next year you will be showing off your little bundle to anyone and everyone and the focus will soley be on you and them!!!
Take Care,
Lxxx
Thank you all for your kind words. And Lauz - I know exactly what you meant in your post!
We had a lovely day and the weather was wonderful and my sister really enjoyed her special day (after a VERY nervous start!).
My mind was occupied as I was so busy but I did get sad when I realised we were booked into a family room - oh the irony. There was a door off the bedroom and I thought to myself 'oh a nice little lounge' but when I opened up the door it was a childrens bedroom....
And I got a bit upset in the evening (think I was very tired after a long and emotional day) so went upstairs and had a little cry away from everyone and was then ready to go back down.
Oh and as I am due to ov in the next few days DH and I decided we would BD last night and then I realised our room was called 'Priest Weston'...I was like, how can we BD in a room with 'Priest' in it's name!!? But when you got to BD, you got to BD....
Thanks again for all your support and understanding.
Love NN xxx
Click Here To Read My Ramblings On Living With Loss
As for havin a little cry on your own good on you as no one can blame you for being a little upset as the day got on and you just went and did it and then came back down all 'happy' for your sis i bet...
Anyway. maybe the 'priest' part in the room will be a good sign rather than an ironic one and may even be where you concieve your sticky BFP....Don't you think Priest has a nice ring to it for a boy lol??
Glad to see you staying strong anyway....
Lxx
I too feel like a failure sometimes and I hate my body for being unable to do what it was made to do but we've got to believe that we'll get there Sweetheart and soon.
Next year will be our year - we'll be holding our precious babies and when we look into his/her's eyes we'll see the faces of our 3 little ones, x