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Heartbroken, hopeless and pathetic
We found out on 12th April that we had lost our baby. I started spotting on the Sat evening, went to A&E on the Sun, had an internal and was told the cervix was still closed so had not lost baby and chances were good. Couldn't have a scan until the Monday, which was when they confirmed that our baby was smaller than it should have been and probably died at around 6 weeks. I should have been 9 weeks. Looking back, I stopped feeling sick at 6 weeks but didnt think anything of it, in fact I was relieved cos I hate feeling sick. I spent a couple of weeks at home, wouldn't leave the house, wouldn't even watch normal tv, only DVD's. Hubby, parents and in laws were great and I started to feel better and that I was coping. I went back to work on Thurs and everything's changed, I now feel worse than ever... I work with children and families, including pregnant women and babies. But that's not the worst of it...a colleague, who I did regard as a friend,
is pregnant and her baby is due exactly the same day as mine would have been (what r the chances?). So when I returned to work on Thurs, I was a little more than upset by the fact that she excitedly pranced around the office, showing everyone her first scan photo and telling everyone what names she has been thinking of and what she has already bought for her baby. It was like torture.
So going back to work on the first day was hard but going back today was even harder. I can't bear it anymore, I can't cope with this, it's brought everything back tenfold and I am so miserable and depressed and hopeless and pathetic and I can't stop crying... So I've spent the past 2 days sitting at my desk, not looking at anyone, not talking to anyone, listening to my Ipod. And after work today, this colleague decided to text me, offering me support and a shoulder to cry on... I've text back, telling her how she made me feel (in no uncertain terms) and now she's textin me again telling me I'm horrible and nasty... I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up...
So I'm now sitting here, posting here, drinking alcohol, being pathetic when things should have been so different...
Sorry for the hugely long post and sorry to everyone else who's had to go through this hell
L x
is pregnant and her baby is due exactly the same day as mine would have been (what r the chances?). So when I returned to work on Thurs, I was a little more than upset by the fact that she excitedly pranced around the office, showing everyone her first scan photo and telling everyone what names she has been thinking of and what she has already bought for her baby. It was like torture.
So going back to work on the first day was hard but going back today was even harder. I can't bear it anymore, I can't cope with this, it's brought everything back tenfold and I am so miserable and depressed and hopeless and pathetic and I can't stop crying... So I've spent the past 2 days sitting at my desk, not looking at anyone, not talking to anyone, listening to my Ipod. And after work today, this colleague decided to text me, offering me support and a shoulder to cry on... I've text back, telling her how she made me feel (in no uncertain terms) and now she's textin me again telling me I'm horrible and nasty... I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up...
So I'm now sitting here, posting here, drinking alcohol, being pathetic when things should have been so different...
Sorry for the hugely long post and sorry to everyone else who's had to go through this hell
L x
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Replies
As for this bitch at work, she has every right to be happy about her own baby - but to prance about flaunting her scan photo around is damn right rude and insulting, she clearly has no regard for anyone's feelings but her own, and to be nasty to you in texts as well??!!!?? I'd just ignore the cow from now on - we can all do without people like that in our circle of friends.
I'm glad your hubby and family are being supportive - it's a difflcult time, and it's nice to know people are there for you.
I truly feel for you hun, but please know you're not alone, and there are plenty of people on here who unfortunately also know the heartache you're going through.
It does get easier - I promise xxx
I really dont know if coming on here and reading other people's stories is making me feel better or worse...
This was our first pregnancy. I am absolutely convinced that it will happen to me again and the thought of ttc again terrifies me beyond belief...I can't do it...
I miss my baby so much...
What the hell has happened to me, I was ok last week then I went back to work and I'm a bloody mess. Anyone else feel like this? I also feel like a selfish winging cow...
L x
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm still mc'ing at the minute, although it seems to be slowing down!
I was very upset when it happened Tuesday and I got worse as the week went on as I felt so lonely. Everyone offers support that they can't actually give because they don't know what its like. They don't understand the loss you feel.
I had a good cry to my OH Thursday evening and told him how lonely I felt and he gave me a good cuddle, and lay up till one in the morning listening to me and crying with me and I have felt much better since.
I'm the opposite to you in that ttc again is all I can think about and the bleeding is just postponing it! But this goes to show there is no right way to deal with something like this. Its such a huge thing to go through which people don't actually realise. "Never mind" doesn't really cut it as support.
I hope you start to feel better soon hun but in the meantime just let it out. Cry and be angry and sad. I found it helped to let it out!
Lots of love
Xxxxxx
I'd just quite like to feel normal again at some point. I feel like a different person with no confidence or self-esteem...I feel like an empty, useless person...
There were a few days, when I wasn't feeling so bad, that I thought I wanted to ttc again but not now. Hubby would like to but will wait for me. I'm a mess now, if i fell pg again I'd be even worse, I'd be a paranoid mess... I hope u stop bleeding soon, that was a relief for me when it finally stopped, and I hope your wish comes true and that you have a H&H 9 months and the most beautiful baby at the end of it. Good luck!
L x
I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel, I too found out (also on 12 Apr, obv that day is cursed) that I had lost my baby. I was 9 and half wks. We went for our scan and were told there was no heartbeat and I won't say how devastated we were as you know only too well. It was our first and I spent the next 2 wks not getting dressed until just before hubby came home from work and just staring at nothing. I wanted to wait for the mc to happen naturally but after 2 weeks I decided to go for the op which actually terified me, but the thought of not letting my little one go was even worse. I had the op 2 wks ago yesterday and am still bleeding so still stuck in some kind of limbo.
I don't know when it will get better, I too hate that everyone thinks everything is 'normal', we didn't tell many people so not many know what we're having to go through. One of my best friends is pregnant and it hurts so much to see her scans and growing bump that she plasters all over facebook, she is so excited, however she has no idea that I was pg (i'm in the RAF so live 400 miles away fm friends and family so it was easy to keep it quiet) and I feel awful for resenting her, it's not her fault.
Don't feel like you're whinging, I think you've got every right to if it makes you feel better. The people who know about my loss won't really speak to me about it which for me is worse because I feel that my baby is being disregarded, I know it's because they don't know what to say but sometimes I just want to scream. I know i've rambled but just really wanted to let you know that it's good to get it out, this site is the only way I can let it out.
I hope you feel better soon and the bad days get few and far between xx
I've done lots of staring at nothing too...U say you would get dressed only just before your partner came home - I hope he is trying to understand your feelings and trying to be there for you? I hope you don't feel too alone...
I haven't been too bad this week, work has been a distraction and has kept me busy. There's no getting away from pg women or babies tho - a colleague on maternity leave brought her baby into work yesterday which sent me into a state of panic but I then surprised myself and was able to chat with her and have a little cuddle of her baby, who smelt so good, without breaking down (I couldn't tell u for the life of me what we chatted about tho). My SIL, who is 20 weeks pregnant is coming round tonight - I was gently persuaded to invite her round as I haven't seen her since my mc and people were worrying I was going to avoid her for
the rest of my life. Of course I wasn't going to but I needed to feel stronger before I could see her - we hadn't told her we were pg and I was so looking forward to sharing the experience with her and watching our babies, little cousins, grow together. I think I feel strong enough to see her.
Take care of yourself,
L x