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Sadness & Hope

Sorry for the long post....
I have suffered from anxiety & depression for over 10 years. After meeting my now husband, I did fertility testing which showed very low level of AHM (0.3) & then under the guidance of my psychiatrist, began the process of coming off my medication as it was not recommended as safe for the baby, if we wanted to conceive naturally or through IVF. A few setbacks and 12 months later, after a period of extreme withdrawals which made me very ill, I lasted 2 weeks off medication before the pressure at work (teacher) was all too much and my mental health relapsed. Insert 8 months of trialling new medications that were deemed safe to take if I got pregnant, but weren’t as effective & even with therapy and additional meds as a temporary measure, I was not well enough to return to work.
After I turned 40 in late 2021 I decided to focus on my mental health and TTC. I had all the tests done, vaccination updates and was cleared as healthy and good to go. To our surprise I fell pregnant very quickly in & I was still in shock when it was confirmed by blood tests. I had it in my head that I would need IVF & that it was going to take a lot longer, if it was even possible. At 5 weeks I shared the exciting news with my psychiatrist but was very apprehensive about fully acknowledging it incase something went wrong. I just had this feeling as it seems nothing is ever easy or goes to plan but he reassured me that every woman worries about these things & so practiced reducing any stress & anxiety & took it day by day, with only my husband & Drs knowing.....
Every time I went to the toilet (which was a lot needing to pee!) I would breathe a sigh of relief that I wasn’t bleeding & eventually I started to allow myself to think that our miracle had actually happened.
Waking up at 5 weeks and 5 days
this week, I went to the toilet and upon a wiping broke down in tears. After a phone call to the nurse, I was advised to go to the hospital. It was there, only an hour later, as I waited for my blood test results in the waiting room, that I passed the tissue that was our first baby. Blood test confirmed I had mc with hgc levels dropping from over 600 to just 32. The hardest thing was my husband had to wait out in the carpark due to COVID restrictions & I was all alone. I know it is not my fault but I also can’t help wonder if my COVID booster shot 2 days earlier may have contributed to my mc... I was trying to protect myself and my baby & the Science says it is safe so I guess I trust that it just wasn’t the right time & now any future babies will be protected. 
I am sad beyond belief & at the same time still in shock. I keep thinking I am in a dream. The fact I was able to fall pregnant at all gives me hope for the future. Good things come to those that wait & we just have to wait a little longer I guess. Fingers & toes crossed with hope and prayers. 
Thanks for listening. May you also see hope through your sadness! 💕🙏🏻


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