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feel so alone
I feel like I got no one to talk to. My husband has been very supportive, but is not understanding that I can not just go on with my life. It is a week since our ERPC and almost2 weeks after finding out Sam had died. (I named him/her, because calling Sam it all the time made me to upset) The way he has put it was 'Sam was never alive, so did not die. Get on with your life. Stop waisting time crying!'
I had send him a text yesterday that I had a bad day and that I could not stop trying. He had to work late though and came home when I went to bed at about 10. We did not talk besides how his work went and he did not ask me anything. This morning after a difficult night with Michael and me being up since 6 I was a bit in a mood. Apparently I was not allowed to.
We decided not to tell anyone, but ofcourse he had to tell his work. So his boss and assistent boss know everything about it and he talks to them about it. His parents know, but stay away and ask him how he feels and ask him how I feel. No one asks me. They have always been like that and how lovely they aer they do not want to replace my parents and stay on a distance.My parents know, but my mum makes me feel worse when I talk to her. My best friend knows and hasn't talked to me since I told her. But when I was carrying Michael she told me that because I did not tell the midwife about my mums miscarriage and I did not insist in further investigation (without every being pregnant before) it would be my own fault for miscarrying. So I assume she still thinks the same way.
So the only person I have to talk to about it is my husband and at the moment I wonder why I am still with him. He can not understand why I feel like this. According to him and my mum I must add, I need to get off the couch and do something. I need to get on with life and look after my family. Yes the house is not very tidy, yes I am not eating properly yet, yes I do make a meal for when my husband comes home. but Michael is getting all the food and attention he needs. He doesn't see me cry or upset, he sees a happy mummy. We play together, do things together. I would not know what more to do for him.
I need time to grieve, but apparently I need to do that in the time when no one is around. I feel alone. Doesn't help that I only live in this country for about 2 years. That most of the friends I see her are originally his friends and that I only have email contact with my friends from holland. If I could get along better with my parents I would take a break and go there, but I can't. So I am trapped here, the weather is awfull and we sold my car. My husband needs his car for work, so I am kinda stuck unless I want to get completely wet walking to the bus.
I had send him a text yesterday that I had a bad day and that I could not stop trying. He had to work late though and came home when I went to bed at about 10. We did not talk besides how his work went and he did not ask me anything. This morning after a difficult night with Michael and me being up since 6 I was a bit in a mood. Apparently I was not allowed to.
We decided not to tell anyone, but ofcourse he had to tell his work. So his boss and assistent boss know everything about it and he talks to them about it. His parents know, but stay away and ask him how he feels and ask him how I feel. No one asks me. They have always been like that and how lovely they aer they do not want to replace my parents and stay on a distance.My parents know, but my mum makes me feel worse when I talk to her. My best friend knows and hasn't talked to me since I told her. But when I was carrying Michael she told me that because I did not tell the midwife about my mums miscarriage and I did not insist in further investigation (without every being pregnant before) it would be my own fault for miscarrying. So I assume she still thinks the same way.
So the only person I have to talk to about it is my husband and at the moment I wonder why I am still with him. He can not understand why I feel like this. According to him and my mum I must add, I need to get off the couch and do something. I need to get on with life and look after my family. Yes the house is not very tidy, yes I am not eating properly yet, yes I do make a meal for when my husband comes home. but Michael is getting all the food and attention he needs. He doesn't see me cry or upset, he sees a happy mummy. We play together, do things together. I would not know what more to do for him.
I need time to grieve, but apparently I need to do that in the time when no one is around. I feel alone. Doesn't help that I only live in this country for about 2 years. That most of the friends I see her are originally his friends and that I only have email contact with my friends from holland. If I could get along better with my parents I would take a break and go there, but I can't. So I am trapped here, the weather is awfull and we sold my car. My husband needs his car for work, so I am kinda stuck unless I want to get completely wet walking to the bus.
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If it's any comfort I think most men struggle to articulate their emotions and move on pretty quickly. It took me quite a while to get my hubby to understand how badly affected I have been by the mmc. On more than one occasion he came home from work to find me in tears, asked what was the matter and when I told him that I was sad because I lost our baby, he looked at me like I was from another planet. I think men tend to compartmentalise their emotions and find it difficult to empathise.
Who cares if the house is a mess at the moment? As long as you are looking after your boy looking after yourself, that is all that matters. Sod the housework! But I would say to try to go for a shot walk regularly as getting out in the fresh air does help you feel more, well, fresh. I have been doing that and have found it a real help.
Have you looked into having some counselling? I think most hospitals have some sort of mc support group or service. It might help you to talk through your feelings with a third party - someone who is going to support you rather than pass judgement (however well meaning) on how you are feeling/behaving.
Never forget that you can come here and find lots and lots of support.
xx Saraxx
So sorry to hear your news.
QA offers a counselling service if you need someone else to talk to.
My hubby never really understood when we lost our first baby either. I just dont think it is in their genetic makeup to understand.
It will get better, I promise,
Serena X
The last time I had a proper meal was thursday evening, since than I am living on bread and cheese. Cooked food just makes me feel full. I am not hungry. Spend yesterday and today a big part of the day preparing food for Michael and it just put me off food for the entire day. Which ofcourse is causing more arguments.
I know he is worried, but I can not just go on with life. I need some time. I have send oh out tonight, luckily he was working last night. And when he comes home I will go to sleep. (can't believe how much sleep I need lately :S) and he will sleep in the spare room. Can not stand the arguments anymore that he gets woken by Michael. Think I will take over completely now, not give him anything to do. He just wants to go around friends and have time to relax.
Sometimes I feel our relationship is strained so much. We are supposed to celibrate our anniversiry end of this week, but on this moment I don't even feel like spending any time with him. :S I just want to curl up into my duvet and stay there for a while.
Is there any way you can do anything relaxing for yourself this week? Like yoga or a massage or a facial, or just a long walk on your own. It just seems like you're under so much pressure, you need some time to look after yourself through all of this.
and maybe what the others said about finding local support groups is a good idea. if you're feeling alone where you are maybe somewhere you can meet other women who understand how you feel will help.
with the food thing I lost my appetite a bit for about the first week or so. I'd try making smaller portions of normal food, coz it's nto good for you to eat the same all the time. but maybe a little portion would seem less daunting for you.
keeping letting us know how you are each day hun, we'll all be here for you as long as you need until you start to feel a little better.
Gems
xx
My MIL could babysit, but I have no way of getting Michael to her unless I want to walk for 1.5 hours. Other than that I trust no one else with him. (he is not eating his food or drink his milk when others feed him, which means when I get back he is whingy and does not sleep good at night)
It is just a shitty situation. We got rid of my car 3 weeks ago and now I really wish I had a car. Nearest place to meet other mums is about 30 min walk, which is not to bad, but it has been pouring down with rain over the last week. Not ideal to go out. Might have a look to see if there is anywhere with people who went through the same thing. Although again, I than need to have someone to watch our lo. To be honest I can not stand seeing a baby at the moment (ofcourse other than our lo) and can understand others might not want to see them either.
what about a taxi to your MIL's to drop off your baby? I know they're expensive, but maybe once or twice in the next week or so would be worth it so you can get a little you time to work through things.
I hope you get a good nights sleep.
Gems
xx
You sound so stressed out my love, I really think you need to get some outside help. Coping with a baby is hard at the best of times, but to have to cope with a baby and deal with the aftermath of a mc must be extremely difficult.
With regard to your other half - about a year ago me and hubby went through a really rough patch. He is not good at expressing his emotions and I tend to get upset and cry when we have to have hard discussions. It got to the point where I considered leaving him. But I love him so much, so I told him that I wanted to go and see Relate (they are a couples counselling service). Just the mention of it seemed to do the trick and he started opening up and listening to what I was saying. Perhaps you have also got to the stage where you need to go and see Relate, or at least raise it with your other half.
Good luck and keep talking to us.
xxSara
My oh does not express feelings at all. Or he does, but he doesn't think death is a big deal. He lost his brother and he says it is just how nature works. He doesn't grieve that much. And grieving for a baby who was never born? He just find that rediculous.
I send him out last night and he came back so happy. I made the decission to just go with it. Let him have everything he wants except me and Michael. He is sleeping in the other room and doesn't have to do anything anymore. He can go out when he wants to, he can come in when he wants to and sleep in the other room. (so he doesn't get woken up by Michael) At the moment I can not care less what he is doing with who. You should have seen his face when I suggested he goes out about three days a week. I have the feeling he feels trapped, he doesn't want to be home but feels he has to.
The thought of no more fights just makes me feel a lot better. I know it is not ideal, but I hope he comes to the conclusion by himself.
I have thought about pnd, I must admit. But I am not thinking it is that bad. At the moment it just hit me that we lost our Sam and that I can not expect anything from my oh. The thing is that I was fine till a few days after hearing the news. Than I thought I was better after the ERPC, but it became worse about a week after. I think it just is realising what I have lost. And than discovering that the guy you love is not supportive at all and does not understand what you go through.
and maybe if he has a bit of time away he'll come to his senses and realise what he's missing.
Gxx
He was finally just sitting there and listening. We are going out on saturday to have some us time. I bought a nice new dress (well I ordered it online, so I hope it is nice and fits when it arrives) And I generally feel good about it. I finally want to do something nice for him.
Deciding I did not want to fight anymore and that whatever happens I should not care I made a good choice. We are sleeping in different bedrooms at the moment, but it is more for the fact that Michael started to wake up 4 times a night for different reasons and he needs his sleep. Now he gets his sleep, he is less irritated and annoyed. I must say that I am exhausted, but I keep saying to myself there is light at the end.
Gems
xx