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Is 2 months to long to grief for mmc?
I have the ask here, cause no where else I can talk about it. Frends don't know about it, famly don't care and I can not tell MIL even though I wish I could. Every time I see someone becoming pregnant I am getting slightly jealous, I know it is wrong, but I can't stop it. Yesterday I had a bit of a bad day, everything went wrong and such and just ended up feeling down. All the feelings of loosing Sam came back up again and I ended up really down since last night and today. I just feel I have to go with it for the moment and that bad days will become less and less. I have a lot of good days inbetween and a lot of the days I can look forward, but some days I just can't.
I know I shut out my husband, but every time I try to talk to him he just makes me feel worse. I know it sounds bad, but it is the truth. Today after shuting him out for a few hours and feeling sorry for myself he told me: It s only death, it has been months (2 to be precise), you should sit here and mope, you should move on. It is not like it was alive anything. It was nothing. It wasn't your baby, t was an it, a nothing. Get over it!' And more of those in the same sense. This is not the frst time he says something like this, but the first time he went on and on about it.
In short he thnks I should be over it by now and should stop feeling sorry for myself. And I can't. Some days I look forward to being pregnant again, days like this I am convinced I don't want anymore children than Mchael. Some moment I even wonder if it worth t to stay with him instead of splitting up and going back to Holland with Michael.
Tell me I am not wrong in grieving? Please tell me he is wrong and people do still feel this way 2 months after their miscarriage? Or am I just stupid and not allowed to grief anymore? Should I be over it completely?
I know I shut out my husband, but every time I try to talk to him he just makes me feel worse. I know it sounds bad, but it is the truth. Today after shuting him out for a few hours and feeling sorry for myself he told me: It s only death, it has been months (2 to be precise), you should sit here and mope, you should move on. It is not like it was alive anything. It was nothing. It wasn't your baby, t was an it, a nothing. Get over it!' And more of those in the same sense. This is not the frst time he says something like this, but the first time he went on and on about it.
In short he thnks I should be over it by now and should stop feeling sorry for myself. And I can't. Some days I look forward to being pregnant again, days like this I am convinced I don't want anymore children than Mchael. Some moment I even wonder if it worth t to stay with him instead of splitting up and going back to Holland with Michael.
Tell me I am not wrong in grieving? Please tell me he is wrong and people do still feel this way 2 months after their miscarriage? Or am I just stupid and not allowed to grief anymore? Should I be over it completely?
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It doesn't sound that your husband is giving you the support that you need but for a lot of men they find it hard to show their emotions the same way we do. Sometimes they respond in a very matter of fact way that to us seems cold but they don't mean it like this. Do you have any close friends that you can talk to? The worst thing you can do is bottle everything up. Perhaps you should see your doctor. They could offer counselling or medication that can help get you over this very hard time.
You ask if 2 months is too long to grieve. I don't think you can put a time on it to be honest. I don't think it ever gets easier as such. Time just allows you to accept it more.
Hope you feel better soon. xx
I am very open to everyone dealng with it in their own ways, but for me to be told I have to be over it and have to leave it behind me and look forward, doesn't make me feel any better. He only makes me hold onto Sam (I called my bean Sam) he only makes me more aware of it. It feels that he is demanding me to forget Sam and to forget I ever got pregnant with Sam.
[Modified by: rachwill on January 09, 2010 01:52 PM]
Would it make you feel better to go away for a weekend, perhaps to a spa hotel or something? Take a friend and just have time away to pamper yourself and unwind.
You cant put a time on greif hun like you say gradually the good days will outweigh the bad ones.
My 1st mmc my GP signed me off work cause I couldnt cope I think had nearly 2 months off, although I had suffered from depression previously.
I've attached a webpage below that might help you, read the part headed a particular kind of loss.
I found this helped me understand the greif I was dealing with.
xxx
http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/downloads/Pregnancy loss - how you might feel.pdf
i wouldnt worry about the grieving as it is different for everyone, but i do think you need to talk to someone if it gets worse,maybe go to your doctor and see if they have any numbers you can call.
also read some of our stories as this may help as well coz you can feel very alone in this situation..
I know it sounds bad to say it but men tend to have strange ways of dealing with things, where we like to talk about our problem men tend to want to bottle them up and not think about the problem...
How far were you when you lost your baby?????
As others have said grief affects people in many different ways and for varying amounts of time. I was 'lucky' in that mine happened just before Xmas so I had 10 days of DH, me and the girls and nobody else. I could go back to bed and sob if I wanted! Also DH is very laid back and goes with it.
I agree that your OH sounds like he is also having a hard time and doesn't know how to express his feelings but what he has said to you is really insensitive and I hope you told him this. Nobody can tell you how to feel hun - not even you! I think it can be hard for men as they haven't experienced the physical aspect of the pregnancy and loss but still feel the grief...
My youngest is 6 and seemed quite OK about it all - we had told her from the beginning that not all babies grow properly and that as I was older (41) there was more chance that it might not work out. But a week or so after the mc she started crying and not being able to sleep at night but she said she was sad but didn't know why. I believe this was her grief coming out but she didn't recognise it and I think same has happened with your OH. I don't know if you know about the stages of grief but denial and anger are two of them...
Was he positive about the pregnancy? Maybe he was more excited than he or you realised and it has hit him harder than he expected?
Anyway enough of him... you need to talk to someone that can help you... a friend maybe? Doctor if you think that would help... they may be able to offer counselling?
I was given a leaflet that was very useful and I think it was from website given on here in previous post.
Your feelings are valid my lovely, time WILL heal but you can't force it. Are you thinking of ttc again? That's another thing that has helped me...
Remember we're all here and my email button is on if you want to rant
I had all the symptons you can think off and than at the scan they drop the bombshell and the day after husband went back to work. I still felt sick all the time, still had all the symptons till I had the erpc. Husband stayed home for 2 days, than went back to work again. Michael got more and more demanding and in the weekend me and oh would just fight.
I think I am dealing with things quite well. I have been quite positive about things for the last few weeks. Just yesterday when everything was going wrong I felt down and the same today. It is the frst two days in about 2 whole weeks of being positive. It is just whenever I am like this, I get my husband who tells me off for being said.
We did go on ttc straight away, but now I doubt if I want to be pregnant wth oh again. If I even want another child with him. He has been great on occasions, but he is making me feel ten times worse whenever I feel down. This morning he was shouting to me and Michael. (to Michael for crying when he was shouting at me)
I can not leave for a weekend away, we do not have the money for it. I can not leave Michael with my husband because I would not be able to relax at all. So I am kinda stuck here.
Thanks laujai for the link was just reading it and it made me cry even more. I know a lot of what is in there is correct. I wll read it again when I am less upset about the whole thing.
I've had days of wanting another then doubting the decision and also whether I want it with dH and I think it's all just part of the muddle our heads are in.
As M still needs such full on care I doubt you've had time to just grieve yet. Is there anyone that could help you out with him to give you a break? Sometimes people think it's better to keep going and take their mind off it but it has to come out eventually.
You really need to tell your OH how you feel and that you need him to understand that it is out of your control.
I think on that website there is a section for partners....
I don't think 2 months is too long at all. This is month 4 for me and while I am miles better than I was, I still have moments of sadness for what should have been.
While your oh may be struggling to cope with his own loss he has no right to be mean to you over it. However maybe he feels overwhelmed at the moment, loosing his baby and his Grandfather so close together (I am right in thinking his Mum's father passed on a little while ago? Apologies if I am confused).
I don't really have many solutions for you my love as I know you are kinda stuck; I just hope that in some small way our support and friendship is helping you.
xxSara
PS Hello Seraphina, hope you are doing okay. xxx
my hubby has been wonderful about the mc, but I remember back when I was at uni a close friend killed herself, and when he found me crying about it a few months later he thought I should be over it by then. I remember being so so angry at what he said to me. but he just didn't undertand how I felt. he'd only ever lost elderly grandparents, so hadn't really experienced it. like a miscarriage, a death through suicide is very different grief than a 'normal' death, as you think of all the things you might have been able to do to stop it happening. it has that same irrational guilt to it. But in a way I'm glad he didn't undertand, because it meant he'd never suffered such horrendous grief in the way I had.
I think in some ways after a MC is similar. although our OH's have lost a baby too, it's really not the same thing we're going through, as we have the physical symptoms and the storm of hormones too. So although he has been insensitive and isn't supporting you aswell as he ought to be, feeling the way we do after a MC isn't a thing you would ever wish on another person. so maybe you shoudl feel glad for him that he isn't suffering this way, even though it leaves you feeling alone. you always have us to talk to if you can't tell him.
Gems
xx
sorry i wasnt around when you posted.
no one can ever put a time on grief, and I dont think it will ever go away (sorry) but it gets easier to deal with
maybe your oh doesnt want to show emotion and grief - some men like to bottle things up.
we're always here for you hun,
you can also email me - my mails go straight to work so I can usually reply easier than coming on here.
hope youre okay,
take all of the time you need
x x x
I think you have to just give yourself time - maybe your OH doesn't understand how much of a part hormones play in all of this.
Sending you big hugs (((((HUGS))))). Hope you get some support from all the lovely ladies on here,
Jo xxxx
Suffered a miscarrige 9 months ago,is it normal that still grieving.I had really bad depression for the first few months n started to feel abit better but as it grew towards my what would have been my due date I've became even more depressed than I was at the start.I dream about it most nights,feels like I reliveing it all over again,the dreams re that real that wake myself up from screaming and crying in pain the way was when got admitted to hospital.everyone says you need t move on ad believe me trying,I don't want to remember but can't block it out,no matter how hard try.this might sound silly feel dead inside.If anyone h suggestions on wat o h m bpreciated