sorry its a rambling post... just need to write things down

Bumbelinawaterbaby · Apr 17, 2009 10:55AM

Not sure if this is the right place to put this but thought here might be the best.

My lo is 8 wks old on wednesday, and he means the world to me. but i find myself feeling so crap, I cry most days. I constantly worry i'm hurting him (not on purpose- just niot picking him up right ect) I dont think my little boy likes me very much, and i worry he'll never love me. I feel i need him more than he needs me

I feel totally useless with him, and the things i do for him (feed, change, bath etc) any tom,, dick or harry could do for him. When he cries i feel like its because its something i"ve done wrong.

I'm jealous of my oh as our son likes him more, settles for him better, smiles for him more ect. I know its really bad and selfish of me but i want my boy to need me more than he needs him. I sat crying my eyes out on thursday when my lo was laughing at his daddy, all i kept wondering was why couldn't I make lo happy.

I think lo would be better off without me sometimes, i dont think i offer him much in life. My oh has stopped me leaving once already. I felt so guilty afterwards. I know these feelings aren't right but i just dont know what to do. On thursday i could barely look at my lo, thank god oh was home to help me look after him as all i did was cry.

I feel like everyone is having a go at how i try to bring my lo up, ppl are forever giving me advice which makes me doubt what i do. when my pil came over friday, i mentioned how often i feed lo.... mil was straight in with a dig about how he should be gonig longer between feeds, how he should be sleeping through now ect.

I feel so bad, when lo cried when on mils knee i made oh get him to settle him, as i was worried i wouldn't be able to settle him. My in laws make it quite clear that they think i wont be able to bring our son up right- they've said they'll get involved with his disapline (sp) if we dont do it right.

I'm sorry if i'm rambling on and it doesn't make sense but i'm so confussed about how i feel, one minute i'm fine, the next i;m crying my eyes out. i think i dont have any mothering instincts- like i dont know why lo cries sometimes, and i dont know how to settle him

I'm frightened to go to the Dr or speak to my hv (even though she is lovely) as i'm worried they'll take my baby away from me.

I wish i could just start again, right from when my first contractions started, so i could do a better job of bring my boy into the world.

Mummy_Chooch738 · Apr 13, 2009 6:06PM

Hi I'm so sorry you're feeling like this and I havn't been through anything like this yet. Just made me so sad that you want to go back in time. You should tell your hv or doc, they won't take your baby away for it. I get loads of pressure from my in laws but OH always tells me your his mum so it will always be up to you (sometimes I worry they'll try and take charge of my lo) But nothing ever happens because I'm boss basically. I think your doing fine and just a little worried. Remember no matter who he seems to take to now doesn't mean your doing something wrong, you are his mum he'll always love you!

Bumbelinawaterbaby · Apr 14, 2009 2:30AM

thanks for your reply yummymummy.

OH has told me i need to spk to my hv, or he will do it for me. I had a terrible night last night. The problem is i'm swinging from feeling fab to feeling rubbish- its so unpredictable.

When i feel fine, i think what was i being silly for, but when i feel rubbish i;m falling to pieces, and a part of me wants to give up.

Last night i asked OH to leave me and take lo with him. as i said they'd be better off without me. I know this is stupid, but thats just how i feel when i have my down moments. i just hope today is a good day

kyan2012 · Apr 14, 2009 4:17AM

Waterbaby, i'm really sorry that you are feeling so down at the moment. Whilst it is normal for new mums to have a cry now and again due to change of hormones and general tiredness you do sound as though you need to talk to the hv. I had pnd with my first baby and lots of what you have said is how i felt. I used to be mean to my dh so he would leave me as i felt useless and worthless.....this is not normal. Luckily i can tell you if you do get help then that grey cloud above you will part and you will feel better. I found talking to people about how i felt really helped, you are welcome to post on here and 'talk' to me anytime.
One reason that you lo may not always settle with you is that they are quite good at sensing how you feel. I often find that when im happy i get lots of smiles from my lo and if i am stressed she will cry.
Please,please go for some help.....its great that you have talked to your oh about it, you will need him to be really strong to support you at the moment.
I really hope that you start to feel better soon......you've made the first step you have noticed and admitted that things are not quite right.
Take care

Bumbelinawaterbaby · Apr 14, 2009 5:37AM

thank you kyan2012 xxx

Annieuk76 · Apr 15, 2009 7:23PM

Hope you're feeling ok today? A lot of what you are saying was how I felt when I had my little boy. I was very scared at the time and my Midwife made me go to the doctors, which I am so glad i did. My fear was like you too, that they would take my son away from me, but my midwife assured me that they would not do that and that made me feel a lot calmer. My son is now 19 months old and I am slowly getting better. I won't lie to you, at times it can be hard, but you will come through the other side. It sounds like you have a supportive partner, which I had and is a big help. I am always willing to talk if you need a shoulder to cry on. Sending you a big hug

kyan2012 · Apr 17, 2009 10:55AM

Hi waterbaby just though i would 'pop in' to see how you are. How r u feeling at the moment?
Take care
Holly

sorry its a rambling post... just need to write things down

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