Psychotic depression

im still in hospital still got a few problems after having my twins in july (!). my baby girl died when she was 3 weeks old and it just tipped me over the edge. i have/had pnd and ptsd and now ive got psychotic depression which scares the hell out of me and is oh so confusing. i hear things like my baby crying but idk how it can be cos i never heard ber cry but whatever.. maybe its the fact i never heard her cry thats just screweing me over, i hallucinate- the lights melt down the walls and whenever i switch the tv on the guy tells me that everyones out to get me and i cant trust anyone and not to go to sleep. sometimes im scared to close my eyes incase someone comes to get me. but how do u rationalise that? its just my stupid brain? and i can hardly talk sometimes the words just get jumbled in my head or im talking and i just say what im thinking it makes sence to me but everyone else is like huh.. its so frustrating it makes me so angry. how can i not do one of the basic things. talking.. my 3 year old can probably talk better than me right now. or i just repeat what people say to me eg dr: how are you doing today kaylie? me: how are you doing today kaylie? ok ok
friggin hell. im getting mad just writing it now. half the time im completely normal too. and i just want to go home. i cant stand taking my meds atm. the dr had to open my mouth and shove them in the other day because i got so mad at this woman and just jumped on her. if i walk out theyl force me to stay and just section me i know so i have to like master my own head. its so difficult i dont know how long i can do this for