Depressed before I started

I have 2nd grade bi-polar disorder (manic depression) but since being diagnosed it was made very obvious that no-one in a position to help gave a shit. I am very much on the depressive side of it and have been suffering severe depressive episodes for many many years, so have tried a fair few antidepressants, all of which have increased the crazy or made me ill because I also have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which screws with your hormones, and most ADs are hormone based. I fought really hard to get on CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) waiting lists etc. but kept getting bumped over and over, being told I wasn't a high priority because I don't allow myself to overdose or hurt people, which is just sick, that I can't get help because I still have a little self restraint left. No other offer of help except the drugs I can't realistically take without high risk of manic episode.
Then suddenly I was pregnant (three months when I found out because no periods to go by) and they STILL didn't seem to give a crap. A month before I found out I was obsessed with self immolation and so suicidal that one night when left alone I drank nearly a whole 70cl bottle of whiskey just trying to distract myself from my awful thoughts. When I found out I told gp etc this and no-one seemed to think it a bad idea for someone in this position and unsupported except by long suffering and slightly inept partner to have a vulnerable newborn at their disposal. Finally when I got to about seven months pregnant the powers that be deemed me worthy of a few assessment meetings and some slapdash CBT with a trainee who had four free sessions going. And that's it. They still deferred my emotional reguation group placement saying I wasn't high enough up the list (having been on it and begging for attention for over a year) and now six weeks after the baby I haven't heard anything still.
So now I am in the natural state of exhaustion, only because the depression is creeping back in even when I have the opportunity to sleep I either can't and end up crying locked in destructive thought cycles for hours instead or if I do get off have terrible graphic nightmares involving either violence toward others or the untimely death of babies at my hands. I have no sinister urges toward my child, I will say that clearly now, but it does not make the dreams less disturbing and the images haunt me throughout the day. I have been crying more than three hours a day for over a week so I know I'm heading into a proper depressive state but what am I meant to do about it? I have very very few friends because my condition has made me reclusive and the few who are not penpals and so are in a geographically immediate position to help or show they care don't (and yes I have, without pleading, made my position plain - which is very hard, openly saying that you are lonely and in trouble) and so blatently do not care which is understandable because I can barely tolerate myself and I'm used to all this shit. The only offer of any support has come from my parents, who for long-story related reasons (summary: drunk unpleasant dad, useless mum, early move out, guilt trips from mum ever since forcing me to see dad, hatred of them unsuccessfully repressed by nauseous guilt for next 13 years) I despise in every way imaginable, I mean for eg the simple natural smell of my father's skin makes me physically gag - I always couldn't stand him but it has gotten much worse since I got pregnant and I can't make them go away and leave me alone without telling them clearly why I want that (they are in denial about our relationship and understandably so they're awful people and if they had to face the way they raised me they'd be depressed too) but they have sad empty malfunctioning lives and the idea of telling these people however awful they are that I just loathe them and always have makes me feel sick with guilt. I find even any idle contemplation of them seriously depressing and an arranged visit has me miserable and nauseous for days before and after, which now they're forcing their way in once a fortnight with their nasty little guilt trips means I am like that around half of the time just from thinking about them, let alone all the other depressive shit which crowds into my head about how on earth I am going to be a decent parent when I spend so much of the time so miserable and confused and overwhelmed I'm suicidal and have to use non-invasive self harming to hold the thoughts off.
I'm sorry I'm going on so long, but over the years I've gotten so sad so many times and turned to people I know for help rather than doing something like this and all it gets me is pointless rejection because people can't or won't help or feel awkward and never see me again or I feel awkward and never see them... I know if I ring my stupid little mental helpline numbers they'll assess me for danger to the baby and offer me meds which I can't take, and to 'put a word in' for me to speed up the CBT (which I coulnd't now attend easily anyway because they won't let me take the baby and it's during the day when my partner is working and can't take time off so only option to ask my parents which would just make me worse) and then nothing, just nothing nothing nothing because that's all they ever do for me nothing nothing nothing, And it may well be all I damn well deserve but it's so horribly hard knowing that everyone around me thinks as lttle of me as I do - it's hard to remember you're paranoid when everything supports the paranoid thoughts.
And the final thing it comes down to, is anything they did suddenly pull out of the hat, any unexpected effort or solution, it would be because of the baby, and that's all, same as the only reason anyone has visited since she was born, to see the baby - they don't even ask how I am! A common tip in the maternity / baby mags in to accept every offer of help or support and it makes me sob to read it, because the pre-requisite is people who offer! No-one cares about me! I'm not jealous of my little girl, I am crushingly heartbreakingly sad for her, because once you stop being a child there's no-one to protect or show an interest in you (except your mum maybe and it's patently obvious I am going to be USELESS, maybe even worse than my own) no-one wants to help you without wanting something in return and it's an awful awful world to grow into. And I can't even make her childhood good because I sit here crying for hours and hours and she cries with me, I'm already damaging her just by being so damn miserable and that only makes me sadder. If I thought for a minute my partner could cope looking after her alone I'd happily put myself to rest but how can I let her grow up knowing I did that right after she was born? Whatever I do, stay, go or finish things, I can't do anything without royally screwing them both. I'm ruining three live and there is simply no way out.