Pnd

Hi everyone, 

I'm new here so forgive me if this message becomes an essay, other than the Dr's this is the second place I have turned in hope for some advice/answers and personal experiences so I know I'm not crazy. So I have one child, a daughter and she is now 6 months + 2 weeks old and I just want to share my own personal experience of the entire experience. I'm a slightly older first time mum at 32 now as I always feared the whole process of birth what it entails and of course pnd, my mother suffered badly with this with both her children and I didn't want to go through it hence waiting and prolonging having my own children. I found out I was pregnant December 19 and I was approx 2/3 weeks at the time, within two weeks of finding out I was pregnant the symptoms started intensely, I had to stop working at all for nearly two months then onwards due to the constant feeling of wanting to be sick but not actually being sick. I remained bed bound for that entire time and when we'll enough I returned to work with reduced hours and struggled to maintain this due to spd, I had crutches in the end and the whole experience was so hard. To make matters worse I was fostering a nephew who was a teenager at the time and he began to act aggressive towards me and I'd end up with nights up calling the police having one hour sleep then doing a 12hr shift. To top it my partner was very unsupportive and told me that I was lazy as I didn't get out of bed for two months nearly even tho I had never had time off work and had worked their full time for five years and he basically couldn't cope with the responsibility of supporting me, cooking, helping me wash and generally showing he cared. He said alot of hurtful things and we spent alot of time arguing through it. The next pressure was the birth, I requested a c section as feared how baby would arrive without trauma I was offered the choice but I wanted to prove to myself and everyone around me that I could do this. I well prepared and had everything ready for the day. I started having labour pains over 24 hrs with no sleep and then it really started and this got worse into the evening so now nearly two days awake. My first experience was I was dilating and my contractions were irratic throughout so due to this it was hard to tell what stage I was at. My partner called the hospital and mw said to stay at home within 20mins of the phone call he called bk she heard me and said shes obviously not coping bring her in. I coudkbt drive as hospital was 15miles from where I live and he doesn't drive so he called an ambulance who thought since contractions were close that I was going to give birth in the ambulance. As anyone I was so scared not knowing what would happen next but contractions were unpredictable throughout. Arrived at hospital and I told mw we called first and she said very unhelpful yes I know (abruptly) did u think it was appropriate to call an ambulance when u could have drove here there may actually be an emergency?! I was so hurt and scared and my reply was I'm dilating and in early labour how can I drive anyone this was reported after the experience was over. So she patronised me and told me I'd got hours yet and to sleep. I was in agony and within two hours of being in the room had an examination to find I was actually 5cm dilated so much for the sleeping and have hours to go lol so off we went to delivery I stated I wanted an epidural as I was scared of course but wanted a natural birth. I had my epidural these mws were so much better and really caring. Anyway baby turned back to back so now I know why I was in so much pain with contractions too I pushed for three hours nothing happened and I had to chose so I went for forceps not knowing what this would mean. Went to theatre and had a nice large cut to my bottom cheek nearly to the top of the leg and three times she attempted to get baby out, on third go it was successful with two of them pulling. The room filled with silence it wasn't the magic I thought it was there was alot of blood on the woman's mask, all over the baby and silence they lay her on me for a few seconds then took her away. I now know she wasn't breathing properly and had the cord wrapped around her neck twice and was in shock so they had Dr's around her. Anyway she was taken from me after a few seconds for hours and hours just to have vitamin k injection like they forgot she needed to be returned to her mum. It got no better, I had such damage to my vagina that I had blood pooling under the shin hematomas and the Dr's said they would reopen stitches and drain it and that was a big no for me so I lived with the pain I instantly felt like a failure, not able to feed my baby in first few hours of her life then to not be able to get out of bed due to bleeding and pain for two days I had to rely heavily on the mws. I was on morphine through the night and didn't sleep for a further two nights and had a catheter fitted which was left in for a day or so after birth. It was the most traumatic and horrific experience of my life and I can go on to say i even wanted to breastfeed and wasn't shown had to do it properly and I assumed u can't do it wrong and withing the first day of her birth my nipples were actually bleeding! Things went bad to worse and determined to go home I signed myself out after two nights there came home unable to hold wee in and scared to poop obviously are more upsetting things then because I couldn't have physical sex with my partner which I really wouldn't want anyway I caught him watching porn and this just made me feel worthless, less than human and from then onwards are relationship has been unhealthy and I'm now pretty much on my own all day with the baby isolated. Sorry for the long long message but can someone help me with their own opinions, experiences and help me to understand myself. Thank you all in advance