need to talk, feel so down

ma and my oh have been arguing a lot recently. it all started when my dad had told him that i was a control freak and that he had to ignore me and that i would never let him do what he wanted, in my das woeds i was going to turn out 'just like her mother'. stuart (oh) then went into hospital to have his nose straightened, but he had a reaction to the anesthesia and nearly died. when he came home from hospital, things were great between us, better than they had in a long while. i realised what i had come close to losing and it scared me. but, a few days after he was feeling better, we started to argue about really stupid things like having money to put fuel in his car for him to just drive with, not for work or anything, just for play. he then started getting really sulky and asked me to stay with my mum for a few days. i felt completely abandoned and his explanation was that if we didnt see each other for a bit, then we would get to miss each other and we would be ok again. the problem is, i need to talk about stuff when im upset, he just bottles it up. but when we talked it came out that he was really worried that i wasnt going to let him do anything and have no life (based on what my dad said). but we agreed to settle our differences and forget about everything and just try and be happy again. he then started arguin with me a few days later saying how i dont appreciate him and how i try to guilt trip him into doing what i want. i admit, at times during the pregmnancy, i havent been the easiest person to get on with and have had a really rough pregnancy and i felt so guilty for making him feel like this even though i didnt mean to. i said to him that i would try my hardest to not be as moody and to appreciate him more, which i really have been trying to do, but he threatened that if i didnt buck my ideas up, then we would have to split, for every1s benefit. i agreed to this willingly. i dont want things between us to end. i love him so much and i always thought that he was the one. the thing is, hes been saying, when i ask if we are going to be ok, that he doesnt know and that it will take time to build back upa gain. i can understand this completely. so now,im on my best behaviour,but he keeps saying little things like if he was single again, he wouldnt have a problem sleeping with anyone else and how if we did split up it wouldnt be the end of the world coz we would still be friends. but i am afraid to tell him that he upsets me when he says this, incase he thinks im nagging at him again and splits up with me. i dont feel like i can express how i really feel incase it al goes wrong again. im so scared of him splitting up with me. i wouldn not be able to cope with the baby on my own and have already told him that if we did spilt, i think it would be best for him to have her most of the time. i just dont feel strong enough to cope. and im worried that all this stress isnt good for the baby. the last thing i want is for us to spilt, as i love him more than anything. i just want things to be the way they were.

thanks for listening, it helps for me just to get it out.

grace and bump 35 +4 xx

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  • Hun, your oh is behaving like a spoilt child! he knows how much you love him and is using that and the threats of leaving you as a way of manipulating you to get his own way in everything!!

    To say to the mother of his unborn child that if he were single he would have no probs sleeping with someone else is bloody unforgiveable!! You say you have had a rough pg, and that you dont feel strong enough to cope with the baby alone. In my opinion HE is the reason you dont feel strong enough! He is heaping stress on you by forcing you to tip-toe around him to avoid upsetting him, when he should be the one pampering to your whims!!!

    If he carries on upsetting you like this he could well land you in hospital early due to the stress of it all. He has got you saying thing like 'I feel guilty for making him feel like this' and 'Im on my best behaviour' Well what about HIS behaviour!!!

    You would cope just fine raising your daughter alone, and if I were you I would try my damndest to get the strength to say to him 'fine, you want to split? then lets split, Im not willing to tolerate your disgraceful treatment of me any longer!' this would give him the fright of his life and make him realise what he was losing and just what a shit he is being!! If he is going to continue manipulating you in this way, you are going to end up thoroughly miserable and with no confidence, and that will also have a negative affect on your child.

    This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I feel very strongly that his behaviour is unacceptable and that you would be better off without him! He is making you feel low and unworthy, and that is unforgiveable. I would also be having words with my dad if he had said things like that behind my back, but of course at the moment you are feeling vulnerable and dont want confrontation. This makes their treatment of you even worse!!

    Good luck hun, really feel for you as my oh was similar with me when I was pg, but I told him to p!5s off then, and he soon bucked up his ideas!

    Try and keep your chin up hun, and find someone you can confide in. xx
  • Hey grace

    Babe I'm sorry to hear of what you are going through. First of all almost loosing someone you relaly love must be very hard.

    im telling you that you guys could still be friends and all that and how splitting might be best if you dont get yourself together? Well honey I am really sorry to say but it sounds like emotional blackmail. He knows fully well that you need him and his support now more than ever. And him saying these things to you will only upset you more.

    For some reason I know men think that if you have an opinion or want to talk about something it's called moaning. It sounds to me that your dad doesn't support or respect you by saying those things to him. If it were my dad I would have a strong word. He should be protecting his girl. Not batting for the 'lads' side.

    I ahve always said before. That the best partner is the partner is your best friend. If it were me I would say to him if there was any possible reason we might be able to to about something,. And before he canargue or object. Just say it would mean alot to you. Stay calm and speak quietly.

    Tell him after all this time you think you and him are good mates. And you have a problem and you think it would be nice for him to listen. Then start saying these things. About what a wonderful man he is. How supportive he was. How you felt on your wedding day. All the things that makes you happy. Then tell him how it makes you feel to hear how he can sleep with others. How easily he wants to give up. Ask him how you are supposed to do this pregnancy without any side effects.

    At the end of the day sweety. I think he is just being insecure about being a dad. Just speak calmly to him. Or write him a letter. If you think he will read it. Tell him how alone and scared you are. How when hugging him makes you feel better. How he always has made you feel secure.

    He will come around. He just needs to feel that he is still important!!!!I'm not covering for him. But sometimes you need to treat them like spoilt kids.

    Good luck. and chin up sweety!!!

    Tash
  • babe this situation is all the wrong way round, he should be there for you not you running around after him! this is a very emotional time for you, a life changing experience. he should appreciate you more, you totally deserve better! call his bluff and tell him to go, you can do so much better for yourself and that beautiful baby of yours.
  • hi petal, sorry to hear you're having a rough time. when i read the part about what your OH had said regarding sleeping with other women easily if you split and about still being mates etc, i couldnt believe what i was reading. for a man to say that to his pg gf is completely out of order. it's a very immature thing to say, but what i initially thought, was that for him to say something like that, he musn't really care about the consequences. men are quite simple creatures, they cant lie very well and don't often cover up the truth. purely from what you've said about him, he doesn't sound as commited as he should be. by saying those things he may have been attempting to give clues that he's just not quite ready for all this commitment and perhaps that he wants out of it all. it may be (hopefully) that he's just sh*t scared of having a baby, it is a huge change after all. your dad obviously hasn't helped and is partly to blame for almost turning your oh against you. all women get grumpy and emotional and irrational during pregnancy and its our OH's jobs to put up with us and help us through it. don't let him bully you or tell you that his commitment problems are you're fault because it doesn't sound at all like it is. he's making excuses and looking for an easy escape, you just need to show him what he's got, how lucky he is and that it's not going to be scary. make it obvious that you're confident (even if youre maybe not) about the future you two have, and how brilliant life is going to be. if he sees that you have faith in the relationship then he might start gaining faith himself. if you start withering and wilting and losing confidence within yourself because of what he's telling you, then he's more likely to either take advantage of his power over you, or your mood could reflect on the whole relationship and it could all just wither out. most importantly though, think about yourself and your baby, thats what this time is all about. keep healthy and happy, be positive, if things dont work out for you and your oh then you will cope, women cope because they have to and because they were designed to! you'd be suprised what inner strength you actually have. good luck whipping that man into shape!! keep us informed? xx
  • i will keep you informed. its a big chance i have to take and im scared but it looks like i have no other option than to do something. i cant leave it the way it is. its making me feel so depressed, and i already feel shit from not sleeping properly in about 3 months! i will see how things go when he gets home from work, and if he says anything hurtful, then im having it out with him. thank you so much girls, some of it, i admit, has been hard to hear, but i cant carry on unhappy.

    xxxx
  • Hi Hun - sounds like a sutle form of emotional blackmail to me. He sounds like he either can't cope with the idea of being a dad and is trying to run away from that or he feels guilty about something (not suggesting he's cheated - he could just feel guilty for not being there for you) and rather than making up for it he is trying to make you feel as bad as he does. I had a relatio nship a bit like this in the past (we split up once he turned violent) but were together for 2 years prior to that and I had no idea until after we split how he had gradually started to control everything I did and said - I'm a strong independent woman and always have been so it was a bit of a shock that I had got myself into that situation - but he'd been soooo sutle about it that I just hadn't noticed - just beward falling into that trap! I think he's being totally unreasonable but I do undertsand how scary it must be to think of life without him. I think you would cope on your own though - I damn site better than you think you would and unless you're prepared to be on your own you will never be able to insist that he must treat you appropriately or be out on his ear!!! Good luck hun, xxx
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