what should i do???

Hi Girls,

Hope your all well.

I have a massive dilema and seem to have left it until the very last minute to sort out.

My mum and dad split up when i was 5 and my dad re-married and my mum has a long term partner.

When i was pregnant with my first child my mum was great, although her otherhalf twisted about everything she did for me. She was there with me thru my labour and was a real support. Then for the first couple of months after Joshua was born, she came to see him all the time and we were quite close.

Then she just seemed to stop visiting, unless i rang her to say are you coming to see Joshua? One time it took her a few weeks to visit until i told her what i thought about it, she just dismissed what i said and came to visit him.

Everytime i ask her for a favour she makes out that its such a chore.

I asked her to look after Joshua 1 night while me and OH went out for a meal and i forgot to pack nappies in his bag. Wouldn't any normal person just pop to the shop and buy some? Well my mum phoned my step mum kicking off cos i'd forgot to pack them. She mad her feel like it was her fault and she said to her "If i go to the shop to buy some she can give me the bloody money back in the morning" That just upset me cos i thought, can you not spend ??4 on your grandson?

And i moved in with my mam for a week or so when joshua was finding it hard to settle on a night and one night he cried so much when i was holding him, my mam just came and snatched him off me and stormed off. HOW DARE SHE?

Anyway, i could go on and on but me and my mother dont seem to get on as well anymore, i didnt even get a christmas card from her but Joshua did.

Since i had Joshua, me and me step mum have got really really close and she has helped me so much thru traumas with my OH and helping me with sleepless nights with joshua. (me and OH wernt together the first few weeks he was born) I even moved in with my dad and step mum for a few weeks until i learnt how to cope.

When i fell pregnant this time i asked her to be my birthparter (aswell as OH). The dilema is, i dont know how to tell me mam cos i know she will be hurt. I just dont know what to say.

Can anyone help????

So sorry for rambling on!!

Heather 38wks xxx


  • tbh i wouldnt bother telling my mum if i was in ur position unless she brings it up and even if she does u have got a perfectly good reason for not wanting her at the birth.
    good luck
  • I think you are lucky to have your step mum if your mum is being the way she is. My mum is overjoyed at being at grandmother and this is your 2nd if your mum has not shown any interest then you should not worry about your dilema.
    at the end of the day you have chosen someone who has been there for you, blood or not thats what counts knowing you have someone who you can trust.

    I agree with victoria dont mention it to your mum and if she actually mentions it just say you have it covered.
    Dont get stressed or worked up about it cos shes clearly not worth it, just feel chilled in the knowledge you have who you want at the labour
  • ooh its a tricky one. i too have an overbearing mother and i want my sister in with me when i have baby this time but mother is not taking it too well. i would just leave it unless she mentions it and then if she does play up just say that you wanted to let your step mum experience something so wonderful and make her feel a part of your family unit as she has done so much for you. say it tactfully and nicely if your mum knows whats good for her she'l start playing nice or she could end up losing u and the kiddies altogether. good luck xxx
  • love I know that at this time you need to think about your self 1st and formost...

    from what you have said about your mother it sounds like her personailty has changed... I have done support work for many years and recognise some familiarities, now of course I don't know your mum or the situation properly... I just wondered after reading your message if your mum was suffering any type of domestic violence... that doesn't have to mean being hit... it could mean that she is simply being controlled which is emotional abuse, an example of this would mean if she did something her other half disaproved of he would make it very difficult for her afterwards... perhaps withdraw affection, be moody, not allow the subject to lie, throw it back at her at any given moment, this sort of behaviour is done very discreatly and is built up over a period of time... perhaps rather than just saying it to your mum, maybe you could ask about it indirectly the next time she comes around? I maybe wrong... it was just something I thought when I read what you have written... because often women in that possition are cut of from the people they love and care about and abusing otherhalfs are very well practiced in making it appear to come solely from the partner... xxx
  • Thanks for your replies!

    Its funny you shoul,d say that it_must_be_love cos ur not the first one that has said that to me. The other week i went into hospital and asked my mam to take me. she had just gotten in from work but said she would. By time i had been checked over and what not it was 8pm and they said they wanted me to stay another 2hrs. So she went to ring her partner and he said to her "can danny (oh) not go or her dad and stepmum" My mam explained to him that danny had our LO and my dad and step mum were doing something important. So he hung up on her!!

    I wonder if your right. Hmm...

    And i think i wont tell her unless she says something cos it will upset her. I just wish we still got on like we used to but for some reason everything is hard work for her where me or my son is concerned!

    Heather xx
  • I know that you feel far away from her love... maybe just say (remember she may feel defencive) that you know it maybe hard for her to come sometimes, maybe you could use 'words' on the phone you have prepanned such as you phone her and ask her to come to an appointment the reply althought to him sounds inocent has an alternative meaning for the both of you, of course this depends upon her being willing to open up about it, I would try to raise it because DV only has so much power because nobody is willing to discuss it as it's still so taboo... I have done loads of DV training but am no expert but if you want to chat about it your more than welcome to add me on MSN [email protected]

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