difficult situation

oscar2 · Jan 30, 2012 8:31AM

Hi

Just read your post. I have been through ivf and it cost us ??4000 pounds, so i know it is heartbreaking to have to go through it but i agree with you. Where will it stop? If they are asking for the money for investigations how will they pay forivf which will be alot more money? And what if they need more cycles and if they do fall pregnant how will they support a child?

I understand people get into debt etc but if they are serious about this they should clear their debts and then save the money themselves. Have you discussed these points with your o/h?

Xx

GlitterBug09 · Jan 27, 2012 10:33AM

I don't think you are in the wrong at all. I have to say, I'm not just saying that either - I will be honest and say you and I post advice on lots of threads and I don't always agree with you (only because I think we have some different ideas about things, I don't mean that in a mean way) However, I am completely with you on this issue. It is terrible that your BIL and his girlfriend are struggling to have a baby, as mothers we can both understand the pain. However, it is a lot to ask of you and your husband, especially when they have not paid off the original loan. If, for whatever reason, money became an even bigger issue for them then you really cant put yourself in a position where you are trying to pay two loans on their behalf. What would happen if they decided to separate and the loan was still outstanding? Who would pay it? Or would you find yourself in a position where both of them refused to pay it? If you wanted to move to another house or buy a new car the loans in your husbands name would stand against you and you might find it harder to acquire credit should you need it. With a little one these are all things you need to think about. There are other people in their lives (like the girlfriend's parents) who might be called upon to help so you shouldn't feel guilty about saying no. You are not denying them the right to have a child. The cost of three holidays would have probably paid for this procedure 3 times over, it is not your fault that they chose to spend there money differently. 3 years is a long time to ttc without success, so you would have thought that once they started to clomid process they might have tried to save for a 'just in case we need IVF situation'. I understand your hubby being upset, he wants to help his brother, but you and your little boy have to come first and he really should not make this decision without your consent. In fact, I would be livid if my hubby took out a loan for someone else when I had said I didn't want him too, HE would be in the dog house! I think you have the right to get a little cross here and tell him that he cant make financial decisions without your consent. Its crap, and if you were millionaires I am sure you would help without hesitation, but you can not be chastised for not wanting to get in to debt on someone else's behalf regardless of the reason. xx

KittleLitten · Jan 27, 2012 10:43AM

oh my goodness, no wonder you're feeling stressed

I don't think you're in the wrong at all, your OH has already gone behind your back and against your wishes in the past, no way should he be doing that again.

I can understand oh wanting to help out his brother, but in all honesty if they've had 3 holidays this year and are just back from Tenerife then as far as I'm concerned they should be flipping well paying for it themselves as they obviously have money coming in from somewhere. Or are they putting these holidays on credit cards as well?

It's such an emotive subject, and in a way it's very unfair to be putting it on you 2 when you have a young baby as you're just finding your feet as a family yourselves.

Maybe you could come to some sort of compromise, like when they finish paying off the current loan then you can talk about giving them another for fertility treatment? Might sound harsh to them having to wait even longer, but I think they need a bit of a reality check.

good luck getting it sorted out, massive (((hugs))) xxx

Tinkerbell563 · Jan 27, 2012 10:56AM

I saw this on the front page and although I cant offer much advice I didnt want to r & r.

I agree that you are certainly not in the wrong for saying no THIS TIME, as the other ladies have said, what about the NEXT time and the time after that? Your oh cant keep taking out loans everytime his brother gets into trouble. It sounds like they need to look at their lifestyle (i.e the holidays) rather than relying on the fact your oh will bail them out each time.

I can understand you feeling guilty about the fertility treatment but again, they should really have started saving for this just incase the clomid didnt work.

I really feel for you as it sounds like you are in such an awful situation, please let us know what the outcome is.

xx

GlitterBug09 · Jan 27, 2012 2:21PM

You aren't 'in your face' at all, its nice to hear lots of different opinions to be honest, it would be boring if we were all the same! I really hope that tomorrow isn't too tough on you. Just remember though, you are not stopping them from having a baby. The way they choose to spend the money they do have is. xx

angelheart · Jan 30, 2012 3:44AM

I agree with glitterbug, you are not stopping them. In fact you could say you are helping any future children they may have by putting them in a better financial siutuation if their own doing. At some point people have to take responsability for their own financial situation and they coukd have paid for the investigations thmselves had they not have gone on holiday. Its just about people getting their priorities in order. You are not helping them by always giving them an easy option as they will never have a need to be responsible

Xx

difficult situation

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