Clingy and overruling Grandma (long)
- I've recently had my first baby with my fiancé. She is 7 weeks old. Ever since she was born (stb)MIL has been hassling me to have her for the day or overnight once a week. She gets mardy and accuses me of keeping her from her granddaughter if she can't come and see her every few days. She doesn't understand boundaries either. I was naked in bed once and I'd just settled her down when she was struggling with colic (I'd had barely any sleep and was planning on having a nap) when she came in and picked her up waking her up and I couldn't get her down for hours after that. She refuses to leave her be when she's asleep which causes problems for the routine I'm slowly introducing.
I get on with her but haven't built much of a relationship with her as they live on the other side of town so naturally I trust my mum with my daughter more and she hates that and can't seem to understand why. I let her have her for 5 hours the other week just to keep the peace but I was very uncomfortable the whole time because she wasn't responding to my messages. My daughter came back ridiculously overtired because she wanted to 'play' with her all day and refused to settle her to sleep when she need to be down. She was 5 weeks old at this point and 5 week old babies don't 'play'. Therefore I had a fussy baby all the way through the night that would only sleep if she was being held and screamed if I put her down so didn't get any sleep myself. That's why I'm very hesitant to let her have her alone again because she doesn't listen to my 'rules' so to speak.
My fiancé has a 3 year old son from a previous relationship and he used to have him over at MILs house before he moved in here so he's still going there to see him before we gradually introduce him to our new home and his sister. He stays overnight once a week which has only become a recent thing (so ex has felt the same way as I do for 3 years). MIL takes over completely so my fiancé doesn't get a word in edgeways regarding his sons visits. If he says no to something then MIL will always say yes. She always feeds him loads of chocolate and sweets then he's sick when he goes home and fiancé gets it in the neck from his ex. She takes him out shopping without asking fiancé and buys him everything he wants so if fiancé takes him and he has no money to spare (is sensible) then he has to deal with ridiculous tantrums. If he's refusing to sleep and wants to play then she will play with him until the early hours.
I understand that grandparents are meant to be fun but taking over essentially the parents role and spoiling the kid to death is not brilliant. I do not want the same to happen with my daughter. I want to wait until she is old enough to decide if she wants to stay over herself. I don't know the best way to voice this to MIL without coming across as rude or nasty. Any advice? Or has anyone experienced similar?