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Advice needed - partner not looking after himself and not finding him attractive

Me and my partner have been together 8 years . my partner is a bit of a gaming addict and it used to cause us some major problems, almost split up over it many times. We had a baby this year, he is now 4 months old and since getting pregnant our relationship has been much better, he has been much more caring, helps with housework and baby duties much more than I ever thought he would, tells me I'm still attractive etc, games much less than he used to, I really can't fault his behaviour .however.... it's really started to get to me that he doesn't take much pride in his appearance .he has been gradually putting on weight since we met and now he is what I would class as obese, he doesn't get his hair cut as often as he should, never does anything with his hair, just gets up and goes. He wears clothes that look trampy even tho he has better ones in the drawer and doesn't shave even tho he knows I hate facial hair .i don't find him attractive anymore but I love him lots and wouldn't leave him .should I tell him I don't find him attractive the way he is or should I just accept that it's just him and he is brilliant in other ways?


  • Humm maybe you could have an open conversation with him maybe just about 1 point I know if I said all those things to my husband he would really not feel great maybe tell him about his facial hair and ask him to give it a try to Shave every three days and make a really big deal when he does shave Like lots of kissss and tell him how much you enjoy kissing him when he shaves It might make him think it’s worth it. take it slowly with the weight issue I know males are super conscious like women about their weight .. and help him make healthy choices by not buying Too many treats and naughty food if you do the shopping. 

    Make sure you go on date night and look after your relationship it can defo get lost after having a baby 

  • There's no way on earth he would shave every 3 days. I don't really mind about it in the week as he works long hours and quite frankly I don't care what he looks like when he is at work haha .but at the weekend we have one day we spend together then he has one day on his game, all I ever ask him is to have a shave the night before we have our day together but just lately he isn't even doing that, he prob does it every other week.  And with the weight thing it's not so much what he eats but how much he's like he likes the attention he gets from eating so much food...he shows off to his friends how much he can eat....think man v food and that's my partner. I have spoken to him many times, Iv told him its not how he looks that worries me but that I want him to be around for his son and be able to run around with him when he is older but he just doesn't seem to see how serious it is . I think if I told him I don't find him attractive anymore that would really upset him and I don't want to hurt him but equally I don't know what else I can do to get the point across . 

  • Yeah I think that’s fair Hun when baby gets older take them to a play centre and he might find he needs to loose weigt to keep up hehe 

    on a serious note maybe honesty is the best policy with him its not that you don’t love him just that hes not loving himself by taking care of himself and you don’t find that attractive. 

  • Yeah that's exactly how I feel .thank-you for your reply, it's made me feel better about it as I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable and should just accept that is the way he is. 

  • This is a such a tough one. On the one hand if my husband said to me 'i don't find you attractive anymore' or 'you've put on weight and it's not sexy' i think i'd be heartbroken, but by the sounds of things, you have tried telling him gently, and you are well within your right to feel this way...

    Are you in charge of the cooking at home? If so, you could put him on a diet without even telling him! Stop buying unhealthy stuff, give smaller portions. I know this would only help at home and you can't control what he's eating during the day. Have you thought about offering to go on a diet together? Kind of say 'you've put on quite a bit weight and so have I, shall we lose it together?' That might help give him the wake up call?

    Have to say, i think it might be time for a really honest chat. Such a tricky situation hon.

  • To be honest the food I cook at home is pretty healthy and Iv been on a diet myself since having the baby and I go running regularly .I make his lunch for work so that is healthy but I know he goes to the cob van on his morning break and he goes mad with his orders.  For example...from the cob van he will have 2 X footlong sausage and bacon cobs .also at the weekend he orders an all day breakfast at the pub but he orders 2! Anyway after deciding to talk to him again I got home today and he has had his hair cut, had a shave and bought me a birthday card ready for tomorrow...usually I don't get one until after he has finished work on my birthday as he doesn't think to get one until the day! Il have to just give him lots of praise and make it worth his while and then chat to him when he goes back to being a tramp haha 

  • Happy birthday to you lovely!

    Wow, sounds like he really is overeating. It's such a touchy sensitive subject isn't it? But that is AMAZING he has listened, and had a shave and got a haircut - he's taking it in! Now maybe some gentle suggestions about what clothes to wear, and keep praising (sounds like we're talking about a child doesn't it! But i get it!) i reckon this is a step in the right direction. Dare i ask, birthday sex 😂😂😂

  • I had to make it worth his while having a shave 😂😂 .  If that's what it takes to get him to shave his dirty beard off then so be it 😂😂😂 

  • Thank-you mrsg 😊 . I just hope the haircut and shave isn't going to be a yearly birthday thing only haha . It just goes to show that he knows how to make me happy (that was the best birthday present I could hope for) but I just hope he doesn't keep it as a yearly birthday thing haha. 

    Let's just say I had to make it worth his while 😂😂 . If that is what it takes to get him to shave his dirty beard off more often then so be it haha.....and if he slacks off that might also have to turn into a yearly birthday thing and see how he likes that 😂😂

  • Sorry repeated last message, thought one of them hhadn't worked lol 

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