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I need a good rant!!!

Hi Girls, hope everyone is well?
Baby Brandon is doing great. He is over 3wks now and is just lovely.
As the title says though - I need a good rant!!
I am so dissappointed in my OH that its eating away at me. He has never been very talkative when it comes to our angel baby Ryan. He will ask me whats wrong if i'm upset and then its basically like talking to a brick wall, I get no response from him. I have been feeling very upset recently. I think its just having given birth to 2 babies within 10 months, and the trauma of Ryans birth, the stressful pregnancy with Brandon, and although his birth was ok, I was constantly thinking he was going to die which made it extremely stressful. I am always thinking about Ryan and I honestly think i'm the only one that ever does. I feel like he starts and ends with me, almost like I went through losing him all by myself. That was the most awful and traumatic thing that has ever happened to me and has honestly changed me forever. I was broken hearted the other day and my OH basically told me to move on as I should be over that by now. I couldn't believe him. Out of everyone in my life he was the last person I thought would ever say that to me. I wasn't even angry with him, just so dissappointed. If Ryans own father can say that then it really says alot doesn't it? I know losing Ryan has affected me far more than him, but I will never get over losing him. I didn't realise there was a time limit on these things. He is so heartless and I feel so let down by him. Its like Brandons here, so just forget Ryan.

My OH has gone back to work today and i'm actually pleased. I hate him for what he said to me. I keep trying to forget about it but its not working. Instead, i'm getting more and more upset and feel if I bring up what he said and how it made me feel i'll just go beserk.

My Health Visitor has advised me to go for counselling but I don't feel like I need it, maybe i'm wrong though. All I want is people to remember Ryan, to acknowledge him. My family have never mentioned him and I have relied on my OH which clearly was pointless. You have all helped me on here though so thankyou so much.

Anyway, rant over. It feels good to put it down in words instead of just being stuck in my head.

Take care everyone, Luv always, Kathryn xxx


  • Hi, Glad to hear Brandon is doing well. three weeks old already image

    Im quite lucky in that OH has always been open about his feelings and we talk quite a bit about Darcey. Theres days where im feeling low and he is always there to cheer me up and the other way around.. If anything i would say he struggles to deal with the situation more than me, but i think thats probably down to our personality. He very much wares his heart on his sleeve and i always try to put a brave face on. The fact that everybody deals with emotions in differant ways can be really frustrating, and hard to understand. I don't think your husband means to come across so 'harsh' maybe it is just his way of dealing with things, to block it out and try and forget. That said though saying what he did, is being in-sensitive to your feelings so he isn't respecting your way of dealing with things, I think you should try sittinig him down and telling him how he has made you feel. I imagine if you dont you are probably going to end up very angry and resentfull towards him. Do you talk to anyone about Ryan? maybe a friend or your mum? Im lucky that i can talk to Russel about her, we talk alot about what happened and what she might be like now etc and i cant imagine not having him to talk about with it, as he is the only person who fully understands how i feel. We havent had counselling either, its just not something i feel id benefit from.

    Anyway I hope that makes sense image I know its not the same but remember you can rant here anytime xxx
  • Hi hun,

    I've been wondering how you and Brandon have been getting on! I can't believe he's 3 weeks already!

    As for everything else, rant away hun, thats what we are here for!

    Your OH sounds a bit like mine, our relationship came to a bit of a head after he said something similar but after confrunting him, he actually broke down and appologised saying it was the only way he could deal with it, he told me that if we didn't mention Ian and what we went through than he could almost forget it happened, since then we have both been able to talk about our feelings without being worried about upsetting each other and our relationship is the best it's ever been!

    As for councelling, it's not something I would have ever considered but our families both asked us to give it a go and to be completely honest it was the best decision we made, we have both been able to talk to someone impartial both together and seperate and explore our feelings and fears over what happened!
    It's amazing what I learnt about my OH during these sessions not only how he felt about what happened to our son but also his memory of whatching what I was going through and not being able to help me or tell me it was all going to be alright, he was also terrified of me giving birth this time as it was such a bad experience this time.
    Since we have started and finished councelling sessions, we had our last one last tuesday we both have learnt so much about ourselves and eachother, so please don't rule it out but obviously only you know what is best for you!

    Tlk to your OH as chances are he wont realise how much he has hurt you!

    (((((((((((((((((((((big hugs hun))))))))))))))))))))))))

    And like I said rant away at anytime!

    Becky - due in 11 days!
  • Rant away- I hope you're feeling better now though.
    I don't really have anyone to talk to about Angel as oh clams up and doesn't like to think about it and everyone else doesn't get that it wasn't just a 'thing in the past to get over.' they all seem to think not mentioning her means I won't remember, that and she wasn't exactly a part of anyone elses life!!!!! ????... I'm sure he didn't mean it the way you've taken it, he's probably struggling just as much as you (aside from the physical aspects) and just felt you should be giving your love to Brandon right now. No-one would say you can't love and miss Ryan, he probably is just desperate to see you happy. I know my oh had a really hard time understanding my need to get pregnant again and just wanted me to be grateful for our zachariah, he was actually so frustrated after the mmc as he didn't want to have to deal with those emotions anymore or have to be the strong one etc.... You both lost your little boy and you're both dealing with it in the best way you know how, don't hate him for trying to look at the future. I know I hurt more than my husband but I also know he still hurts. We didn't go down the councelling route either as we didn't feel it was for us, neither of us like to talk about our emotions to others and I was also scared it would open up healed wounds. I did find writing things down helped a lot though.????
  • Hi Girls, awh thanks for the kind words and advice. I have stewed on this for days and days, so ended up sending Darren a text when he was at work. I find saying what I want to in a text is easier although cold. Its just when I start to say how I feel to him in person I end up getting really upset and then can't talk, so don't really get anywhere.
    We had a gud talk when he got home and its helped. He was really sorry and said he didn't mean to say what he did. I know I am a really sensitive person and take everything to heart. I then worry and agonise over everything and to be honest I wish I could be a bit more like Darren. He never worries about anything.
    He said he just doesn't know what words to use to say what he wants to say. Then he blamed the usual, he's a man, he isn't the most articulate, he isn't very sensitive with words, etc. I asked him if he could try and change then but I think thats asking a bit much really. If he asked me not to worry so much I couldn't oblige.
    I am still having a think about the counselling but i'm not overly keen. Darren and I attended a local Sands Group shortly after we lost Ryan and we came away feeling more depressed than when we went in. I wonder if the counselling would end up being the same?
    Thanks again girls, Luv Kathryn xxx
  • ah hun , u poor thing i've had the sam,e feelings as i also have had 2 babies in 9 and halfr months so i totally know where yr coming from when i was pg with ella i was convinced same was going to happen , and then when she arrived i was so happy to have her but still so sad for charlie and deperatley wanted him here too .
    my oh half sometimes doesnt think either it is a man thing , i think he still misses charlie but ella has made him feel so much better,
    it is charlies birthday this monday coming and i'm not sure how i'm going to get threw it ,
    i also feel like its only me that thinks about him so yr not on yr own ,
    i tried councillinjg but i didnt like it but , i did try it , so give it a go see how u feel , i'm so glad brandon is doing well ella is 9 wks old now and doing lovely too she is my miricle as brandon is yrs ,but we wont ever forget our angels ever were there mummys and always will be lots of love vicki xx
  • Hi Vicki, just wanted to say thanks for not making me think i'm the only one feeling the way I am. I really hope you got through Charlies Birthday okay, I know it will have been so hard so just to let you know i'm thinking about you.
    I'm so glad Ella is doing well. Gosh, 9wks already, where does the time go!! Brandon is 5wks on Thursday and he is just fab.
    Take care, Lots of love and hugs, Kathryn xxx
  • Just saw this and wanted to say i think of you often Kathryn. Can't really post what i want to as i'll just breakdown as Andy was my rock through everything that we've been through with Thomas and without him i'm just totally lost...maybe i leaned on him too much and it was too much for him to bear?

    Anyway re conselling, i've not had any and Andy and i didn't fancy it after losing Thomas. Everyone thinks it best for me in light of whats now be honest i don't want it right now as i simply can't face talking to a stranger about my have to do whats right for you as do i xxx
  • hello,
    am gatecrashing, and don't pretend for a second to understand what you girls have gone through, as I've only lost a baby in first tri.
    but reason I replied is I had a slightly similar situation with my now hubby when I lost a friend at uni. I was crying 3months after her death and he asked what was wrong. when I said that was why I was crying he said I should be 'over it' by then. My friend killed herself in the room below mine at uni. The last time she left the room was to have lunch with me a few days earlier. The only picture in her room was a framed photo of the 2 of us I'd given her when she was in hospital previously, she'd turned ti to face the wall and taken everything else in the room down. I still have that framed picture in my bedroom now.

    Grieving for a suicide is different to 'normal' grief, and people who haven't been through it will never understand. Losing your Angels is the same, I admire you all for having the strength to carry on.

    When I lost my friend I really found that writing down how I felt really helped. I wrote in a diary every now and then for a good few years. This could be a good way to show OH how you're feeling if you feel too upset to talk it through. If he reads how you're feeling over a period of time maybe he'll find it easier to understand. I never showed OH my diary, but still found it a huge help to me, to just let the emotion out. Especially if you feel you can't talk about it to others and don't want counselling. Reading it back 3 or 4 years later you will realise how far you've come since now, and though you'll never forget you will cope better.

    My friend died 7 years 5months and 19days ago, and I still think about her all the time.

    I think you're all amazingly strong in this forum and hope I haven't intruded. Good luck to all those still ttc'ing/preg, and hope Brandon and the other babies fill your lives with joy.

  • Its so good to hear from you Natasha. I'm always thinking about you. I just hope and pray that you are coping better with each day but as I know from past experience, this isn't usually the case, as the longer it is since we lost our loved ones, then we only miss them even more.
    Thanks for your reply Gems, you haven't intruded at all. I am sorry about your friend. Unfortunately, I have experience aswell of losing someone close through suicide. When I was 16 my 27yr old brother committed suicide. I hadn't really lost anyone very close up until then and I think I believed everyone would live forever until he died. I am 36 now and not one day goes by when I don't think about him. I was so young when he died and it was very hard as my parents were obviously devastated. I remember family telling me not to get upset in front of my parents, and I think that is why throughout my life since then, i've tried to hide being sad, until it just explodes. At the time of his death I remember thinking how un-happy he must have been, and decided that all I wanted to be in life was happy, and if I wasn't, then I would do something to change that. I guess I just need reminding of that now and again. I still remember what I wrote on the card of my brothers funeral flowers, and that was I am happy if you are. Suicide is a terrible agony for all those left behind, but unfortunately we can't understand what goes on in someone else's head.
    Brandon is a star, as are all my children, including my little Ryan, who will always twinkle that much brighter.
    Take care, Luv kathryn xxx
  • Hi Katy,
    Just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing? Sorry i didn't reply to your post earlier but in all honesty I didn't know what to say as my experience has been the opposite to yours, both my OH and family acknowledge Ewan was real and a big part of my life, if you know what I mean. I'm finding it difficult at the moment, I think it's because i'm so close to the boys arriving, but i break down all the time thinking about Ewan, usually on my own so no-one knows. Anyway, I'm glad you got a chance to explain to you OH how you were feeling, sometimes it's easier for them to just block things out. Anyway, take care and glad to hear Brandon is doing so well xx
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