Incensed at the father!
Sorry - I hope you don't mind me venting ladies but I really need to say this - and I would welcome advice for the questions at the end of my rant! 
.... Today I got really incensed with the father of my child. I am 19 +4 and although I am really, really overjoyed at the prospect of having my first child, I haven't seen the father since week 6. Initially when he found out he told me to have an abortion - "You know what to do!" were his exact words... I got an hour lecture about how irresponsible I was and all sorts of other things... also got told he was moving to Jamaica and I should "come over in a year or 2 and look him up!" Then a couple weeks later he started to seem more "human" in his understanding of the situation so we met up and talked. Ever since that meeting he has let me down every time he was meant to do anything. After 12 weeks of it, constantly getting stressed and crying I gave up and told him that I won't be contact him anymore and I have accepted it.
. How the hell can he just go about his jolly life knowing that I am struggling with my diabetes (I am a type 1 diabetic so have to attend clinics at least every fortnight), finances and everything else and not lift a finger!? As soon as the baby is born I am getting on to the CSA; don't see why baby should miss out on the money and why he should get away with no responsibility at all! I am going to write a letter and let him know the gender of the baby and how appalled I am at him again I think once I have had the scan... although I don't want him to see it as a potential emotional manipulation tool which he can use! He's the type who will derive pleasure from that fact he perceives it as me needing him - cos he loves to be in control - and may well play around with that fact. And if he was going to help he would have done by now wouldn't he; a letter is unlikely to make a difference.
He obviously has no intention of helping us in any way toherwise he would have apologised for his behaviour and at least given me some money, even if he wasn't going to do anything else.
Thank you for reading my rant. I am just so surprised.... but nothing really should shock me, humans are humans and can act in very odd ways! Is anyone else having this problem? How are you approaching it? And do you have worries about your baby not knowing his/her siblings etc from the father's side, cos that is one of my biggest worries and I resent the fact that cos the father is an idiot my child should not know his siblings, cousins etc.
Thank you again xx
.... Today I got really incensed with the father of my child. I am 19 +4 and although I am really, really overjoyed at the prospect of having my first child, I haven't seen the father since week 6. Initially when he found out he told me to have an abortion - "You know what to do!" were his exact words... I got an hour lecture about how irresponsible I was and all sorts of other things... also got told he was moving to Jamaica and I should "come over in a year or 2 and look him up!" Then a couple weeks later he started to seem more "human" in his understanding of the situation so we met up and talked. Ever since that meeting he has let me down every time he was meant to do anything. After 12 weeks of it, constantly getting stressed and crying I gave up and told him that I won't be contact him anymore and I have accepted it.
. How the hell can he just go about his jolly life knowing that I am struggling with my diabetes (I am a type 1 diabetic so have to attend clinics at least every fortnight), finances and everything else and not lift a finger!? As soon as the baby is born I am getting on to the CSA; don't see why baby should miss out on the money and why he should get away with no responsibility at all! I am going to write a letter and let him know the gender of the baby and how appalled I am at him again I think once I have had the scan... although I don't want him to see it as a potential emotional manipulation tool which he can use! He's the type who will derive pleasure from that fact he perceives it as me needing him - cos he loves to be in control - and may well play around with that fact. And if he was going to help he would have done by now wouldn't he; a letter is unlikely to make a difference.
He obviously has no intention of helping us in any way toherwise he would have apologised for his behaviour and at least given me some money, even if he wasn't going to do anything else.
Thank you for reading my rant. I am just so surprised.... but nothing really should shock me, humans are humans and can act in very odd ways! Is anyone else having this problem? How are you approaching it? And do you have worries about your baby not knowing his/her siblings etc from the father's side, cos that is one of my biggest worries and I resent the fact that cos the father is an idiot my child should not know his siblings, cousins etc.
Thank you again xx
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Replies
I was thinking once the baby's born I could contact his eldest son (he's an adult - father had his 1st child young!) but I am just not sure whether that will open up a whole Pandora's box!
Thanks x
One thing you don't mention is your own feelings towards him. Do you still love him? That will really complicate your feelings and reactions and makes it even more important to take a step back for a while so you can separate your personal feelings for him from your attitude to him on behalf of your child.
As for contacting his son, I'd definitely wait a bit and let your hurt and anger dissipate. Once said, it cannot be unsaid, and it could make your man feel backed into a corner. Plus you just don't know how the son will react. His reaction might be negative and hurt you even more and it doesn't sound like you're in a place where you can cope with that at the moment.
Give yourself a breather, focus on the positive, enjoy your pregnancy and come back to this thorny problem once your feelings have had time to settle. There's no rush to sort everything out right now. The one thing we all have is a whole lifetime ahead of us to work things out!
Good luck!
I really appreciate the time you took to write this.
It is on my mind so much that I am now dreaming about it all! Ridiculous isn't it!
My feelings for him - thing is about me, I don't bear a grudge, I have only just learnt to cut people who are negative to me out of my life... tough lesson learnt after being in an abusive relationship for 4 years (not the father). Now I have found new confidence - but I still am forgiving; in that sense I am constantly asking myself if I could have done more to make things different. I am nowhere near perfect but I know I do address my responsibilities and I try my best to be kind and treat others with respect - in general I hope I am empathic. I've tried to be empathic to this guy.... which is why I kept listening to all his fake apologies and excuses.
My feelings - ironically - and this is like something out of a movie.... I actually told him I loved him for the first time the day we had sex to conceive the child! I was completely overcome with emotion and so it just came out. He ofcourse didn't say anything - even if he did feel that he'd never say - and his selfish actions have shown he is unable to care in that manner. Everything was fine when I was taking care of him and making him feel wonderful; he said all kinds of things, how I was a dream come true, how he couldn't believe he had found someone like me blah blah blah ... Jeez if you had seen the time and effort I spent cooking for the man you'd probably raise your eyebrows lol! Anyway, I believe that if he could show he would be consistent and responsible then I would be able to put this all behind me - for the child's sake. It would be hard but I would give it my best shot. However I don't think he will do this.
Anyway, thanks again. I will try and take your advice - it is just the bigger I get and the harder I find it to cope by myself both physically and financially, the more I resent this man. I can't understand how he can look at himself.
I am glad things are better for you... sounds like you have sorted yourself out and you're getting on with your life and what is important, which is great.
For me the CSA is a means to an end, I am not letting my child go without his contributions every month; it's principle and the fact that I need the money. I could do without but I believe he should financially contribute!
The guy is trying to contact me and having had the most lovely time last Monday at my 20 week scan (which was so fantastic - I'm sure you can recall the excitement from your pregnancy) my happiness was temporarily shattered slighly by his incessant calling - I won't bother writing what he said but basically it was transferring blame onto me. So I told him exactly what I thought and gave him tangible examples of his appaling, irresponsible behaviour. After he called back for the sixth time (most of the times I didn't pick up, or if I did I told him exacly what I thought again, very simply), he sent a text saying he is sorry.
Now really I don't really care what he says, I care what he does as the most disappointing fact for me out of all this is the fact that he has lied continuously about helping etc. I didn't reply to his text.
Tonight he called twice and I haven't picked up. Not out of maliciousness, just out of the fact that I don't believe his words and he is intelligent enough to realise that he can help me out without having to speak with me over the phone. I do feel far more empowered now about the whole situation - I put him in his place and told him I will not take any more of this ridiculous behaviour cos I have too much respect for myself and for my son. Frankly I don't need the stress during the pregnancy so I will most likely leave it till after the birth.
I am very keen for Joshua (my lil boy) to have contact with his father's family; he has 3 brothers and a sister, as well as a neice who will be a year older than him when he is born (daddy started young!) and loads of uncles and aunts. However, I am going to think very carefully about this before embarking on talking with his eldest son re the situation.
Thank you very much once again for your time and your help. I am feeling far more in control and happier. I hope everything goes very well for you xx
I think you're right to cut out the stress for a little while until you're better able to cope. A little distance might encourage him to think things through and calm down a little too, which can be no bad thing! It sounds like he's at least starting to think about being involved which (despite all the messing around and bitterness) sounds like what you wanted originally. So there's hope. Joshua is a lovely name by the way!
I've enabled my email address now, please feel free to drop me a line if you want to have a chat.
Peanuts - I really admire what you have done and how you have managed. It must give you a tremendous sense of achievement, and when your child (children?) is older he or she will admire you for it too.
I think you're right to cut out the stress for a little while until you're better able to cope. A little distance might encourage him to think things through and calm down a little too, which can be no bad thing! It sounds like he's at least starting to think about being involved which (despite all the messing around and bitterness) sounds like what you wanted originally. So there's hope. Joshua is a lovely name by the way!
I've enabled my email address now, please feel free to drop me a line if you want to have a chat.
Peanuts - I really admire what you have done and how you have managed. It must give you a tremendous sense of achievement, and when your child (children?) is older he or she will admire you for it too.
I am glad things are better for you... sounds like you have sorted yourself out and you're getting on with your life and what is important, which is great.
For me the CSA is a means to an end, I am not letting my child go without his contributions every month; it's principle and the fact that I need the money. I could do without but I believe he should financially contribute!
The guy is trying to contact me and having had the most lovely time last Monday at my 20 week scan (which was so fantastic - I'm sure you can recall the excitement from your pregnancy) my happiness was temporarily shattered slighly by his incessant calling - I won't bother writing what he said but basically it was transferring blame onto me. So I told him exactly what I thought and gave him tangible examples of his appaling, irresponsible behaviour. After he called back for the sixth time (most of the times I didn't pick up, or if I did I told him exacly what I thought again, very simply), he sent a text saying he is sorry.
Now really I don't really care what he says, I care what he does as the most disappointing fact for me out of all this is the fact that he has lied continuously about helping etc. I didn't reply to his text.
Tonight he called twice and I haven't picked up. Not out of maliciousness, just out of the fact that I don't believe his words and he is intelligent enough to realise that he can help me out without having to speak with me over the phone. I do feel far more empowered now about the whole situation - I put him in his place and told him I will not take any more of this ridiculous behaviour cos I have too much respect for myself and for my son. Frankly I don't need the stress during the pregnancy so I will most likely leave it till after the birth.
I am very keen for Joshua (my lil boy) to have contact with his father's family; he has 3 brothers and a sister, as well as a neice who will be a year older than him when he is born (daddy started young!) and loads of uncles and aunts. However, I am going to think very carefully about this before embarking on talking with his eldest son re the situation.
Thank you very much once again for your time and your help. I am feeling far more in control and happier. I hope everything goes very well for you xx
It's so needless for him to be like this and I feel for you. A lot of my first pregnancy and unforgiveably my son's first birthday was ruined by my ex's antics and it was so stressful which is why I decided that once he opted out he was staying that way. Luckily after an initial barrage of abuse blaming me for everything he has never contacted me. Nor have any of his family despite me writing to them and saying they could. I am now married and expecting my second child under such different circumstances, it brings home to me what I missed out on last time. I really hope you get it all sorted out and things settle down for you. A friend of mine took years with the CSA but now they have pinned her rogue of an ex down and he is having to pay up, so there is hope.
Salks, yes I would love to contact you by email. I am a little confused as to whether your email is here and I am just missing it... sorry, my brain's not working too well!
Thank you for all your kind and very strong words. Peanuts.... over the past week or two I have been thinking over your original post. I've come to think that actually you are correct, why should I be berrating myself and wondering how to make things ok... and what if this and what if that.... it is not my fault the father has acted like this. He is old enough to take responsibility.... he apparently is a "veteran at all this" his words (Jeez!) and therefore should be able to step up.
I am very scared that I will let Joshua down, that somehow he will miss out and blame me... or even if he doesn't, that in the future he will realise that he missed out on his dad's culture. This comes from my own past ... I am mixed race and adopted to white parents and my life experience, although filled with incredible love, stability and amazing opportunity was marred by a great deal of racism (which I couldn't comprehend) and a feeling of not belonging (coe I don't know where my father was from). So I guess you can see where my worries come from. However, I do have Jamaican friends who I have spoken to, who have agreed to act as male role models and talk to Joshua, when he is old enough, about growing up in Jamaica and anything else he may want to know about. I am also making a start on finding my birth mother.... and hopefully my siblings and then fingers crossed my birth father's family. Again though I have to say, my parents are incredible and they are and always will be my everything.
Phew, anyway.... I have decided to focus on me (and my type 1 diabetes which doesn't go that well with pregnancy!), Joshua, my parents and friends for now. Then my new career as a teacher, then finding a good man!
Peanuts, I am really glad you are happily married now and having a completely different experience.... this is exactly what I dream of for myself in a few years. It's wonderful -
Salks.... talk to you very, very soon, thank you again. Glad you like the name Joshua.... been calling him that since week 12 so just as well it was a boy!
My Girllandl - thank you for your kind words. I am going to try and forget him - at least till the birth. It is a work in progress and not something that I am finding that easy. I am not contacting him, just that I think of what to do about the situation a lot.... and I have to train my brain to stop that... cos it isn't me who can change anything regarding him. You're right about keeping happy and healthy, my baby is my #1 priority absolutely and I have to make sure he is safe, loved and healthy.
Love and hugs to you all, thanks again xxx
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