I feel like a prize bitch

Found out this evening that my sil is pregnant. I got really upset. I feel quite negative about it at the moment. We're spending Christmas day with hubby's folks, sil and her hubby, and I just know this is all anyone will talk about. I know it will be so hard to keep it together over the Christmas period anyway, and now this will be rammed down my throat at every opportunity.

I know this is horrible, and I'm ashamed to admit it, but for split second I hoped she would have a really hard pregnancy. I feel very embarrassed to admit that. What a bitch I am. I would never wish how I have felt over the last few months on anyone. I suppose it's jealousy. Plus she is one of those people who has everything easy and never seems to struggle with anything, which does often annoy me cos it makes her very un-empathetic.

I've tried feeling positive about it and happy for her, but right now I can't. I feel hollow and resentful. And ofcourse, being the worrier that I am, I now have visions of her getting big and pregnant and having a lovely baby, while all the time we are ttc with no luck. I have nothing to base this pessimism on, but I can't help but think I will end up holding her baby long before I hold my own.

Why is this all so hard? It makes me so angry. None of us should have to go through this - having children is meant to be the happiest, most natural thing in the world, but so far for me it has brought nothing but sadness fear and pain.

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  • Oh hunny, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. For some stupid reason the world likes to throw everything at us all at once. Please don't feel like you're being a bitch - these are natural feelings. If you read my post from a few days it was very much like yours.

    All we want is to have a healthy pregnancy and to hold our baby in our arms, and for some reason it's going to be a little longer for us than for others around us.

    I think it's probably best to ride your feelings out - if you keep them bottled up you're going to end up feeling a hell of a lot worse.

    Does DH family know what you've been through? It might be worth sharing it with them if they don't, so that they don't unintenionally ram it down your throat so to speak.

    Sending you big hugs

    xxxx
  • oh moon & s, i am soooo sorry. dealing with your own grief is horrible and then to hear of someone elses happiness - well, it was never going to be easy.
    you are not a prize bitch, your feelings are totally normal, i still feel like 'well why the hell is it I'M the one it had to go wrong for, and i 'know' i'd be a damn good mum blah blah blah'
    you'd never wish your pain on anyone but it doesn;t mean you cant have a hint of jealousy, you just have to unfortunately learn how to control it.
    christmas will be hard regardless, had sil announced this after the 12week mark or is it still early days? i would imagine if it is early, people wont talk too much about it but at the same time if you really think it would be too much to bear could you and oh not try and make special plans for yourself? maybe it will take you longer but when your baby comes it will never be taken for granted and will have that special love from a mummy who has waited and wanted. also your sil may be someone who gets everything easy but at the same time you never know what goes on behind closed doors x
  • Im so sorry sweetheart, I understand completley how you feel, last xmas my sil & I were both pg with our 1st & by the time new years came I was mc & she had a scan whilst I had been admitted to hospital!!

    I promise you it does get easier & you wont feel so resentful as time goes on, like rainbow says if they understand what you have been through it may be a bit easier. I dont know what to say cause I know how painful it is, at one point I couldnt even look at my sil but now I have a gorgeous nephew who I love to pieces & wouldnt change him for the world.

    You will conceive a healthy baby hun & it may even happen whilst she is still pg so you'll have lots to talk about.

    Sending you lots of love & hugs hun xxx
  • can't you agree a no baby talk xmas? surely they'd understand.

    we went out for dinner recently with friends who have got pg since our MC (and only 2nd month trying, yes I was very jealous). Hubby told them before not to talk about pg too much as I was sitll upset, and they never mentioned it once, we just had a normal meal and chatted about other stuff. apart from when the starter platter came me muttering I'll eat the goats cheese so she could have the other 'safe' cheese.

    I know not mentioning it at all is prob gonna be hard over the whole xmas, but trying to keep it to a minimum might help a bit.

    I so know what you mean about the joy of pg being gone for us. when I got bfp last time I bought 3 pg books the next day, and was buying loads of pg mags, next time will not be so innocent and exciting.

    But I'm sure our bfps will come sooner than we think, and then you and SIL can be pg together.
  • Thanks girls!

    Rainbow I do remember your post, so it is comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling this way!

    To answer some of your questions: yes, the outlaws do know what has happened but that won't stop them. No, we can't opt out of Chrimbo, outlaw family politics (so wish we could though!). And finally, she is only 8 weeks, but that won't stop them going on and on. I know this cos when she was pg last time she told the entire family (like, EVERYONE!) when she was 3 weeks pg! God that pregnancy lasted a lifetime - it was like she had the gestation period of an elephant!

    Sorry, sour grapes coming through there again. Think I will have to start practising my fake smile.
  • do you listen to chris moyles lots? if you do - you need a one of the paper bags happy faces they do the pretend adverts for. If you don't you won't have any idea what I'm on about - LOL!

    telling people that early is brave, but then I guess people who haven't MC'd see it differently. Like last time we said we'd try not to tell many people til after 12wks scan as the first trimester's the highest risk of MC, etc, but we never thought it would actually happen to us! it's just so bloody unfair isn't it.

    Right I'm off to bed. hope you feel better when I catch up with you guys tomorrow. Everyone cross your fingers for me that no animals get sick during the night. I could really do with some sleep.

    Gxx
  • Gem, I know exactly what you mean! Think I will invest in one!

    I'm off to bed too now, hoping a good night's sleep will make me less of a grump.
    xxSara
  • Well no, sleep did not help me feel less of a grump! I don't feel resentful anymore - after all it's not sil's fault that I mc, and it's not her fault that she is pregnant now (well, it is, cos she was trying for a baby, but you know what I mean). But I just know that mil will drone on and on and on about it, it will be the most enormously amazing thing EVER, and every little pregnancy thing will be gloated over and shoved down my throat. Mil is not the most empathetic or tactful of people, so it won't occur to her that I may be the wrong person to bang on to about it. I don't have the best relationship with her, can you tell? ;\)

    I think that is what I am dreading, more than anything. And to make it worse I can't really talk to hubby about it cos he thinks the world of his mum (rightly so I suppose).

    But at least I have stopped having evil thoughts about sil, which is good - they were making me feel so guilty!
  • It is normal. I feel jaleous of everyone with a bump. I know it is horrible, because they deserve to be happy as well. But it is just how you feel, at the moment is not the right time to talk pregnancy and such, especially not with someone who has never been through a mc before.

    Maybe your oh can explain to his family that both of you don't feel comfertable hearing things about pregnancy and that both of you still feel terrible. Maybe she would stop going on about it for her son. You can explain to him how it makes you feel, but not put the blame at MIL or SIL. Just tell him hearing about others being pregnant makes you jaleous because it was taken away from you. That you are having a hard time especially with christmas coming, that you want to have a nice time, but that you feel very anxious about hearing all these things about pregnancy and such and if he can talk to his mother. Maybe he understands?
  • Glad you feel a bit better today. I felt exactly the same when I heard my SIL was prganant (4 weeks after MC) right down to hoping she'd have a difficult time, so you're not alone and I don't think it makes you - or rather us - a bitch.

    I hope your in laws surprise you and that Christmas isn't as bad as you fear xx
  • Breighlin you are totally right - I think I will talk to hubby a bit nearer the time. I put off talking to him about his family though cos he tends to go off on one cos he finds it difficult to see my point of view where they are concerned. But in this instance I think he will cut me some slack as he has seen how deeply upset I have been and he won't want me to be sat there on Christmas Day holding back tears.

    I am starting to feel more positive about it. It just came as a bit of a shock as the last thing I heard they had decided not to have any more children. Also, the last time she was expecting it put a lot of strain on my marriage. Long story, but in a nutshell mil used it as yet another reason to guilt trip hubby about living far away, blaming me and generally stirring things up between us.

    But as with other things in-law related I will just have to suck it up and brave it out.

    Thanks for your kind words Danger Mouse. It is good to know that I'm not some evil witch!
  • awww hun i would be feeling exactly the same! Did she know about your mc? it'll be a hard time for you and i really do feel for you ((((((hugs))))))) xxx
  • No way hosay! You're not being a bitch at all. My response has been exactly the same.

    My SIL is due 10 days before I would have been and even though I've moved on from the bad emotions of the mc, I still hope she has a rough birth or bleeding nipples from breastfeeding or endless sleepless nights or a colicy baby etc etc. We went some of the above when my DS was young and I still think it's totally unfair when I meet parents of young babies who say "Yes he sleeps really well and never cries". Some people don't know their born!

    TBH, whilst my SIL and I get on OK, there's a bit of history and we're not the best of friends so why should I want everything to go totally smoothly for them? I don't think this makes me a bad person for feeling this way.

    Having said that, I hope she's enjoying her pg more than I did with DS. She prob is as she hasn't had a mc .

    Even the most unreasonable in-laws must surely understand that you don't want to be subjected to lots of pg talk at Christmas. SURELY! I think your hubby must pipe up if they start doing this on the day or change the subject or something.

    My DH is v.protective over his family too but there comes a time when they need to cut the apron strings and realise their wife's feelings must come first before other family members.

    Interestingly, 3 out of 4 of my best mates are also pg at the mo. I'm not bitter at them even though none of them have had a mc, but I think that's because they've all been really supportive. It does make a difference.

  • You're not being a bitch at all M&S! I'd be exactly the same if it was my SIL and we get on v well. When was pregnant with nephew we all knew 10 mins after test was taken and felt like an elephant length pregnancy!

    After my ectopic my mil, completelt innocently, felt the need to give a running commentary on what a joy he was and how joyful being a parent was. I felt as though it was a kick when I was down even though it wasn't meant like that.

    A girl at work is due on same day I was and if i have to hear her moan about her going off of chocolate i'll scream. Watching her chain smoke also raises my very low pressure no end too! x x
  • I love you guys! You always make me feel better :\)

    Quote
    " Even the most unreasonable in-laws must surely understand that you don't want to be subjected to lots of pg talk at Christmas. SURELY "

    You would think so, wouldn't you Makka? Not so sure myself.

    You are great you lot, thanks!

  • Hi hun

    I hope that you are feeling much better. It's hard with things being rubbed in your face all of the time. I have a neighbour directly over the road from me and she is due round where i would have been. She is still smoking and it just seems like a constant reminder everytime i look out of the window.

    Could you go out for a long walk on xmas day to "walk off your dinner!!" if things start to get to you? Could you fake food poisoning ie "are you sure this turkery was cooked properly!!!" Or get smashed so that OH has to bring you home early, cos lets face it we have done it a few times over the years with them!!!!

    Xmas always seems to amplify emotions, as it always seems to be a time for reflection, i normally absolutely love xmas, but this year just won;t feel the same. I almost just want to get it over and done with, but then feel guilty as i don't want my son to feel he is missing out.

    Jodie xx
  • hi hun,

    dont beat yourself up about being a bitch - you are not! some people can be so insensitive and stupid x

    I went out with friends for lunch on sat as it was one of the girls bdays - shes got a 3 month old baby and I didnt mind seeing him at all. what I did mind was her moaning constantly and then going off to the toilets for half hour for a cry when he had doen a really big poo! wtf. OMG I could have slapped her then and there (but didnt!)

    I have also been practising my fake smile - but hubby laughs at it as says thats its a really sarcastic smile! well at least its a smile!

    I know im waffling (thats me) but what Im trying to say its please dont think you are a bitch x x x

    love purplebubbles x
  • Oh Jodie and Purple, you made me giggle!

    I can just see me at the dinner table, completely sloshed, slurring my words and accusing various family members of trying to poison me! Would love to try it!

    Purple - what on earth was she crying for? Did she not realise that babies poo a lot?? What a wuss.


    xxxx
  • Oh yes I love that idea, a big drunken fight to avoid pregnancy talk! I love it!

    After my MIL offended me by suggesting me using a laptop caused my ectopic she's too scared to mention anything pregnancy related! I may get wasted anyway! x x x
  • Well, as if to prove me right for not wanting to talk to my mil about the mmc, she told hubby yesterday that :

    at least we are young
    at least we know I can get pregnant
    at least we won't need to have IVF (she then went on to compare me to a lady who had had IVF at the age of 62!!??!)

    For a lady who repeatedly claims to "know what I am going through" because she had a mc she has all the tact and sensitivity of the Ebola virus.

    The worst thing is that hubby seems to think that his mother is being very kind and keeps dropping heavy handed hints to suggest that I should call her to make HER feel better (again !!??!). :evil:

    GGGGGRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! Angry thoughts, angry thoughts!
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