am i over reacting

ok so 6mnths ago i asked my hubby not to message this woman and he promised he wouldnt but i had a feeing he still was so did a bit of digging and hey presto had been chatting to her on facebook so i confronted him asked if he was txting her he said no and promised me he stopped when i asked. he got a contract phone a few months back and his bills have been really high so i looked at his bill online and there was a number that came up alot so i email this woman pretending to be him and aked for her no and guess what was it was her so i asked him out right if it was and he said no even said i was acting phyco and should tell the doc to see if i had postnatal depression even gave me a speach on how he couldnt take much more after i found it was her i even said to him about talking to hv about my'paranioa' and he was all up for it.
also looking on his bill he was txting her when i was in labour and the first person he txt when i sent him home was her and phoning her when i was in the thing is i dont actully think he is having an affair but that aside he has lied to me for 6 months is getting us into debt by running up phone bills we cant afford by talking to her has ruined my memories of my labour and marred the day she was born made me question my sanity and clearly has no respect for me our family or our relationship.
am i over reacting? tell me honestly what would you do?please im in a complete state i have a 6 year old a 3 year old and a 6 week old


  • oh gosh hun! I'm sorry I will have to be blunt, if I were in your shoes, my OH would get ALL HELL from me. seriously. I would tell him about my snooping, tell him outright that I know it's her. I'd want to know exactly what their relationship is as it seems very perculiar that he'd be so eager to speak to her whilst you're in labour etc?! You are not over-reacting or being "psycho" at all, it sounds as though he's feeling very guilty and has things to hide, so is trying to turn this round onto you. Stay strong though, don't let him make you back down. Even if his relationship with this lady is innocent, he should not be going behind your back, lying to you and going against your wishes, so something is going to have to change. You need to sit down and have a very open and fran discussion with him. I'm sorry if I seem insensitive, but sometimes it is good to get a fresh perspective from somebody not emotionally involved?

    I feel for you though, big hugs and I really hope he gives you a full explanation and apology. good luck xxxx
  • thanx be as frank as you like he knows iv been snooping as i sat and pionted all the calls out to him and the txts over 350 of them and nearly half of his last phone bill
  • have to say i would have to have it out with them, and ur not iover reacting the slightest! i'm sorry but what sort of person deliberately tries to mek u feel like it could all be in ur head and tells u to speak to ur hv about it, sorry but what an a*se! i can stand there and bareface lie and make u out to be the bad one. perhaops ur right he isn't ahving a sexual affair, but, in which case he needs to explain to u exactly what is going on, and why it was so important to text her and run up huge bills, when ur in labour??? i agree with linzi u need to be as open and honest about how ur feeling and what u know as that may be the only way to get him to be honest., if u keep this to urself and don't ask him are u ever going to trust him? i knwo i ecrtainly wouldn't, everytime he took a phone call or got a text i would be wondering, and eventually it would destroy ur relationship. i'm still reeling tho at the way he's tried to twist it, i'm actually astounded that he could be so brazen and cruel to try and make u feel like perhaps u were suffereing from some mental disorder, there are a efw owrds i would liek to use right now but they wouldn't really help. he needs to start owning up to his action and accepting responsibilty for it rather than shifting the blame, and he's not going to do that all the time he thinks he's getting away with it. perhaps if u feel u can't tell him to his face that u've found phone bills etc an,d know its her number then i suggest u prhpas right it all down in a letter and give it to him, or send him an email. that way u get to say exactly what u wnat with out him cutting u off mid senetnce and twisting it around. and if his relationship is innocent with this woman then perhaps it may be worth u both seeking some couples councilling to get to the bhottom of why he feels he needs to continue his friendship with this woman on the level it currently is, and if there is anything he's talking to her about that he feels he can't share with u.

    sorry ur having to face all this right now and i really hope he explains himself properly and doesn't try to back out of it.

    take care chick xx
  • I think you are under reacting! You need to be brave and lay down to him exactly what you know, try and do it in a factual fasion. e.g. I know you have been lying to me because i've seen your bill, emails facebook etc I would like to know why you lied to me, what you talk about to this woman and ask him if he thinks its ok for him to do this? I would also tell him that he should ashamed of himself to try and make it out to be you with a problem.

    You have a family with this man and need to protect that, I would also call this woman and tell her to do one then follow this up with an email confirming everything you have said but do this without being insulting just tell her that its inapropriate for her to be contacting your husband and explain that their relationship will eventualy split your family up and that as a mother of three children you will do all you can to stop that from happening.
  • I'm afraid I agree with the others, you are definitely not over reacting at all and please don't take any notice of what he is insinuating!

    What has his reaction been when you blatantly pointed out all the texts? How did he justify it? What do you think their relationship is? How do they know each other? If they are old school friends or she has been in his life forever, then maybe it is innocent but IMO I doubt it.

    I became friendly with a guy at work when I was living with someone. At the beginning I talked openly to my OH about my friendship with this guy but as the months went on, my OH got less interested, so I talked about him less. Our friendship continued and about 9 months later we kissed. It was a bolt from the blue, totally unexpected on my part but god, when it happened, I realised how much I wanted to be with him and eventually I left the guy I was with. I'm telling you this because it started innocently but it led elsewhere and I wouldn't give your OH chance to do the same! They obviously have something special for them to be in contact during your labour, etc. If he tries to pass it over as nothing, then I'd think he was lying.

    I really am sorry but you have to be strong for your family, take care xx
  • thanks girls thought maybe i was cracking up iv contacted her and been honest with her and im 98percent sure she was honest like iv said i dont think they were having an affair but why lie
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